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Fostering Conversations with Utah Foster CareConversations about parenting for bio, foster, adoptive or blended families to increase understanding of issues we all experience as families. Author: Utah Foster Care
Utah Foster Care guides real and raw conversations about parenting for bio, foster, adoptive or blended families to increase understanding of issues we all experience as families. Utah Foster Care's mission is to develop innovative strategies to help recruit, train, and retain foster families. Language: en-us Genres: Kids & Family, Parenting Contact email: Get it Feed URL: Get it iTunes ID: Get it |
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Ep 69: Reunification
Episode 69
Tuesday, 10 March, 2026
In Episode 69, Amy Smith sits down with longtime foster and adoptive mom Crystal Dukes for a heartfelt conversation about the real purpose of foster care: reunification. Crystal shares her family’s journey fostering more than 30 children, adopting through both private adoption and foster care, and developing deep, lasting relationships with biological families. This episode offers a candid, uplifting look at what it truly means to support reunification even when it’s challenging, emotional, and full of unknowns. What We Discuss • Why reunification is the primary goal of foster care • Crystal’s early experiences as a new foster parent and the mindset shift she had to make • The story of two young brothers placed in her home and how their mother’s gratitude changed everything • Navigating a Safe Haven baby placement and ultimately adopting her youngest son • Maintaining meaningful relationships with biological families long after reunification • The emotional complexity of children moving between homes • How foster families can cheerlead, support, and build trust with parents • A multi‑year case that transformed into a true village of caregivers • Advice for new or prospective foster parents • Why openness, compassion, and connection benefit everyone involved Key Takeaways • Foster care works best when caregivers approach it as a team effort with biological families. • Kids thrive when they can remain connected to parents, grandparents, and others who love them. • Reunification can be challenging but often leads to beautiful, long‑term relationships. • Supporting parents and honoring their role makes the experience healthier for children. • The more people loving a child, the better. Resources Mentioned Learn more about foster care in Utah at: https://www.utahfostercare.org About Our Guest Crystal Dukes is a former foster parent, adoptive mom, and advocate for reunification. Over seven years she and her husband cared for approximately 30 children, building ongoing relationships with many of the families they supported. Her compassionate, connection‑driven approach provides valuable insight for anyone exploring foster care. Listen & Subscribe New episodes of Fostering Conversations are released regularly. Subscribe on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss a conversation that matters. Transcript: Speaker: On today’s episode, we’ll be talking to a former foster adoptive mom about reunification. The entire goal of foster care is to reunify the kids in our home join us. Amy: Welcome to Fostering Conversations. I’m your host, Amy Smith. Today we have Crystal Dukes, who is a foster and adoptive mom, and we are so glad to chat with her today. Thanks for being here, Crystal. Crystal: Thank you so much for having me. Amy: So we wanna just start off by letting our audience know who you are. So tell us a little bit about yourself. my name’s Crystal Jewkes like Amy said, and,My husband and I have been married for 27 years, and we have four kids of our own. We’ve had about 30 kids in and out of our homes, many of which we’re still, in contact with in one way or another. and it’s been a while. we were foster parents for seven years. our older kids actually are adopted and that’s what put got us, interested in foster care is to it, to go that route. Okay. Yeah. So you guys had adopted domestically or internationally? Privately, essentially. And then did foster care Crystal: an agency here. Yep. Amy: Okay. Okay, cool. So you’ve experienced both situations of adoption. That’s awesome. That’s really neat. So today’s podcast, we wanna focus on reunification. So we’ll start with that. The goal of foster care is to reunify these kids, right? We want them to go home, but what has your experience been while working towards reunification with the kids that have come through your home? Crystal: I actually absolutely love this topic because, we have to go into it that way, or it’s, makes it so much harder. And for everyone. And that is the number one most important thing, whether you’re open to adopting or just fostering, that is absolutely so important to understand. especially anyone who’s listening who is just interested in foster care, that’s the biggest thing. but to be honest, we got into it to adopt Amy: Yeah, which a lot of families do. Crystal: To be honest,we were newbies. We didn’t really know what we were. Doing, and we wanted more kids and wanted to adopt more kids. And we thought that, foster care would be a good way to do that. And so we were quickly told, that’s not what this is for. and Amy: Right. I said, okay. I said, okay, we’ll see. Yeah. Crystal: and we got a call fairly quickly about a week after, and, And asked if we would take two little boys, and they were ages three and four and barely three. He had just barely turned three. And so really it was, they were quite young. And they came and dropped him off at our house with a can of seven up in their hands with nothing else. And, but they were fine. They were. Came in and we went to a baseball game of my son’s that night, and I just getting to know ’em and feeding them and, it seemed like a play date for them, I think at Amy: Yeah. Crystal: and then we started really figuring things out and, That was a really, it was a tough time because they were adorable little boys, but they were really hard little boys. However, that first week, When we were gonna have a quick meeting with the, their mom and she was gonna have a visit. I took them to the store and I said, okay, pick your mom’s favorite drink and then pick your mom’s favorite candy bar. And so they picked something pink andI’m like, they told me it was your favorite. And Amy: Yeah, exactly. Crystal: But the moment, I was a little nervous. I didn’t know what I was gonna see on the other side of the door, and we walked in and she immediately got up and gave me a hug and said, thank you so much for taking care of my babies. and we, so we had brought her little gifts and I had brought her all the pictures I had taken and I had, had ’em, made them a little book for her so that she had some pictures of what we did that week, whether it was going to get an ice cream cone at McDonald’s or playing in the backyard or whatever. And just so she could see that they were being taken care of. Amy: And she, to this day, 13, 14 years later, she still tells that story and she te still tells me how grateful she was. and it really did break the ice for us. Crystal: made me instantly love her Amy: Yeah. Crystal: and it made me instantly Amy: And humanize her that these really are her kids. Crystal: they’re her, kids. Yes. And humanize her and be a cheerleader for her. So from then on we were. We actually grew quite close the whole time. with good boundaries, we were all safe. She did have a pretty good support system, with her family. But it had gotten to the point where we can’t save you anymore. You’ve gotta, hurt a little bit so your kids are going to foster care. Amy: Yeah. Crystal: and so we had them for nine months. And during that nine month or six, in six months into the nine months, we got another call. And this one was for, a Safe Haven baby that it was the first in 25 years Amy: Yeah. That’s very Crystal: in the county. And so everyone was standing around going, we don’t know what to do. Amy: Right? Crystal: And so they knew I was after that and our caseworker called and said, there’s a baby that’s been dropped off. And Amy: Wow. Crystal: so we, it was the day after Christmas actually, Amy: Oh wow. Crystal: and we went and we picked him up and he was totally healthy and. Great. and we adopted him. So he stayed with us and we don’t really know anything about his parentage or anything, but, we’ve done the DNA stuff and nothing yet, but we’ll Amy: yeah. Wow, that’s interesting. Crystal: So these cute little boys that we had, they, they still view him as their little brother because he Amy: I love that. Yes, Crystal: they were there. So it was cute. Amy: adorable. Crystal: It was really cute when they were there, but, I was so grateful for that experience because we were in it to foster, to adopt and be done. And after the fact, it was a wonderful reunion. the day they were, in fact, actually. I think this week is their anniversary of going home and after nine months they were, they went home in March and that court day was really special and she was so grateful. Amy: By the end she was having Sunday dinner with us I love that. Crystal: and and to this day we still have girls’ nights and her sisters and her and me, we go out and have dinner. Amy: That’s so awesome. Crystal: We see the boys every once in a while, but they’re, they, one of them just graduated. The other one is getting ready to graduate from high school. And so it’s, it was a really hard and great experience and I learned so much from her and what, my part really was in being a foster parent. And so after it was all over and we were like. we’re not ready to be done because we still love you and you still love us, so we’re gonna, Amy: Keep going. Crystal: have some, at least some communication and contact. But after my husband and I were talking and we were like, are we done? And after and after we adopted the baby, my youngest, we thought maybe we’d be done. And we’re like, it was such an amazing. Miraculous experience to be a part of putting another family, supporting and helping put another family back together that we decided to stay. we kept going and we did a lot of crisis and respite from then on. But,it’s so weird how this timing has happened because. Just the other night. we had a set of twins that were, a few months older than my youngest and they came to us when they were two. So I had like triplets, Amy: Yeah. That sounds intense. Crystal: killed me. I’m not gonna lie. Amy: Yeah. Crystal: But to be honest, and here’s a plug for those that, are looking into this, is they’re like, this birth mother really needed you. Or, this, I don’t even, it seems wrong to even call them a birth mother. Their mom really needed you, to believe in her. She needed someone to believe in because they were in a placement where. It wasn’t necessarily a great match. And so they came to us for a summer before their parents got them back, and now they’re 14 years old and she has a third child and divorced. So she’s bi, she’s single with three kids, but she had moved away,someplace in the Midwest. And so I lost track of her, but when she was still here. they, I knew where they lived and would go to the grocery store and just buy a bag of popsicles and drop ’em off on my way home just to still support just a little bit. ’cause it, it was a struggle there. There’s a reason why kids are taken, because it was a struggle. She still needed some support. But, just recently, I found her just before Christmas. I found her. She’s in Amy: Oh, wow. Crystal: Arkansas. And so I had sent them all a outfit, and her an outfit. She texted me a couple nights ago and thanked me. So all this, it’s weird that all this is happening at the same time and doing this five. Amy: it’s fun though to remember the stories of the things that have happened. I just, I think, so I don’t, you probably don’t know this, but I also am a foster adoptive mom and have reunified kids, and I was the opposite. I was like, I’ll do foster care as long as they all go home. I didn’t all go home, so love them, but they didn’t all go home. but I just love the aspect and the thought process like that You are their support system. I am constantly telling people the reason why we have foster care and why kids get dropped off at all hours of the day at strangers’ homes is because they, their parent doesn’t have anybody. There is nobody safe or secure that those kids can go to. So CPS brings them to a stranger, a foster home. That is just mind boggling to Crystal: it it really is. Amy: Yeah. and I can’t get over it even though I’ve had so many kids come through my home and I’ve met many parents and reunified and adopted and all the things, but it’s just like these people don’t have anybody. And so that foster family can become somebody that supports Crystal: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. our, current situation is we are not, with work and other kids and growing up we just. We weren’t able to, continue to foster, but there was one that we kept renewing for. Amy: Yeah. Crystal: ’cause she came to our house when she was 18 months her first time, and then they went back to parents and then came back three months later and then went to a kinship home, and she just was failing to thrive. And she came back and,we were on track to act, to adopt her. So she’s a few months younger than our youngest. Amy: Okay. Crystal: And we went through, COVID the whole bit, and it just got to a point where parents weren’t, they’d be successful for a minute and then not. And Amy: which is very common. Crystal: yeah. And yet her parents love her. Her parents love her and she loves them, but she’s old enough now to just realize and , it got really difficult and, and, my kids saw the stress that was on me and the attention that was taken from them it was rough. And, the back and forth that foster kids go through when they’re visiting a parent for a weekend, then coming back. they can leave an angel and come back the devil, Amy: Yeah. Crystal: just, Amy: It’s a good way of putting it. Crystal: it’s because they’re just confused and it’s hard. and I just, it was one of those things that. We called on the higher power and was just like, we don’t really know what to do. And it was really quite miraculous how it turned out because in my mind I thought someone has to lose. Not everyone can win in this situation. either dad’s going to lose her forever, never see her again. Grandma, she’ll never see her grandma. She’ll lose her dad, or I’ll never see her again. And at this point, and in those formative years, she is quite bonded to me and our family. And she, to this day, it’s, she does Your home is home and there’s some other,another foster family involved as well. and she lives with grandma. But, But it was really miraculous how it turned out, and it did take some begging on my part to say, please let her live with her grandma. Amy: Wow, that’s unusual. Crystal: I promise you, I will. I promise you I will stay around. I just, I can’t sacrifice my own children at the moment. And that’s, that was the reality of it, as hard as that is for me to say. and so we all work together. it’s the team and her grandma and I are great friends and her dad and I are friends and with our family and Amy: it’s working, Crystal: it’s working pretty well and. There may be a time where she’s with us more, but right now it works. It works well. But at the time I was really, and even our caseworkers to this day are like, I cannot believe Amy: Yeah. That’s unusual. Crystal: when we were going, when we were going through it, they were like, this is the craziest case we’ve ever had. and even, and then I run into ’em now and they’re like, amazing. Amy: yeah. I love. Crystal: so grateful. Amy: Yes, absolutely. And I love that you said, like somebody had to lose, but ultimately they didn’t. Like everybody is getting to be a part of her life and you are getting to be with your family. The grandma’s getting to raise her, hopefully the dad is still being able to see her. that’s a win for everybody, which is incredible. I love that. Crystal: it really is. and sometimes that’s hard to accept because she’s gonna be. Most provided for, and in, in certain, in a certain situation. but that’s not all of it. There’s so much more to, there’s still some pretty hard days and, even though she’s older, there’s still hard days when she comes back Amy: Right. Crystal: from her dad’s and sometimes, we ha we have hard conversations and. Amy: Yeah. Crystal: she starts to understand stuff and it’s helpful, but, I’m forever grateful that we’re all friends now. It wasn’t always like that. I, I, used to be the devil to them, Amy: Crystal: but we all, they’re, they are, very thankful. That, that we’re still around, and so it’s working well. Amy: yeah. I think it’s really important to realize, if prospective foster parents are listening that like you say, sure, maybe I can provide a nicer house and maybe I can feed them whatever the heck they Crystal: Paper, Amy: of. Yes. Pay Crystal: all stuff. Amy: Yes. Yes, exactly. But that’s not everything. Part of a lot of it is that they deserve and they want to be with their mom and dad or with their grandma, whoever they can be with. But I’ve seen that with my adopted kids. We have a really good relationship with one of our bio moms and. My daughter’s five and she will sometimes say, why can’t I live with mama so-and-so?and I’m just like, yeah, I’m so sorry. And she’s doing great now, if the circumstances were different, they’d be different, but they weren’t back then. And kids want to be with those biological ties, want to be with those people that they grew up with and look like and love. And I think that’s really, can be really hard to understand as a foster family because we think, I have this, and this to offer them. Crystal: We can never offer them that biology or that instinctual innate bonding love. Amy: Yes, we can love the heck out of ’em, but it’s different. Crystal: Yeah, and I’m really grateful that I had. Adopted kids with very healthy, relationships with biological mothers and fathers and families, we’re actually quite close. And so it helped me understand that a little bit sooner, I think. As long as they’re healthy and the child is safe, they’re, I promise you, it’s worth it. It’s worth hanging onto that relationship. It’s never worth. Cutting it off because it will come back sometime. It might even be in adulthood, but it will come back and it will be a big issue. And this way she knows we’re all transparent. She knows, I’ll ask her about her dad and how her visit was, she could tell me, things like that. So yeah, it’s. Amy: better place for kids to have, in their families to be able to say, I miss Mama some, whoever, and I miss this person. And for us parents to say. It’s okay. Like I’m sorry, you do deserve to get to be with them, but because of life you don’t like, I would rather our kids be able to say those things than to, go into adulthood and find them selves in a not healthy situation, So I think we can provide that safety to our adoptive children. And I have an adopted child who we don’t have a relationship. The mom completely fell off and. I don’t know. Like I reach out every few months in hopes that I’ll get a response, but I don’t, And so that happens too. And it’s unfortunate, but that’s how it is. Crystal: And I think it’s also important to say that doesn’t mean the birth parent doesn’t love their kid. they’ve probably come to a reality that they’re not Amy: In a good place. Crystal: a good place and they don’t wanna mess things up or bother anything. and that’s how one of the, our birth mothers are, is they just don’t wanna, mess things up. And so they don’t, and it’s fine, but we still buy Christmas presents for. From her and, we still do her shopping and we, little things like that. and it’s also interesting because now that, now that, she’s older, our foster child is older, and, for all intents and purposes at this point, we’re just great family friends on the, on paper. But she views me as mom and I. That’s great and she also talks about her other mom, so Amy: Which is great. some kids do have multiple moms, multiple dads, and that’s okay. Crystal: And there was a point where, we really did need some help. And so we’ve, we had another foster family and that other foster family and us were best of friends. And it, this has really turned into a village and she knows, the other foster mom and I, we both go to parent teacher conference and we both, I don’t know how many of you have experienced this who are foster parents, but food always seems to be an issue. And they are hoarding food and always wanting food and always checking to make sure there is food. And so I first thing out of her mouth when I pick her up is, what are we having for dinner? What’s for dinner? First thing, and then first thing is she walks in the house, is opens the fridge or opens the pantry. And so it was actually starting to drive me crazy and that’s my problem. But so did, Amy: I feel that, Crystal: I did want her to understand something and I said, there were some times, that your dad didn’t have food. Or your mom didn’t have food and you suffered for it. And so psychologically you suffer from that a little bit. So I’m telling you this, not because I’m telling you not to open the fridge, but I’m telling you that they have some psychological stuff there. that happens. And so we do have those hard conversations and I always make sure I tell her, your parents, love you. They’ve always loved you, but at times they didn’t have food to feed themselves and couldn’t feed you. And so it’s affected you that way. And, making sure that they always know that their, parents love them is really important. Amy: Yeah, I agree with that. That’s awesome. these podcasts always go by really fast, but if there was anything that you could. Advise or recommend to anybody that’s considering foster care? What would be something that you would say that you’ve learned that you would’ve loved to know at the beginning or something like that? Crystal: With my experience, our experience, I wouldn’t trade any of it. we’ve learned so much. But number one is, as a foster parent, our job is to be the biggest cheerleader we can be for the parents to get their kids back if it’s possible. and if it’s not possible, you can still love them. You can still support him Amy: Yeah. And hopefully have a relationship if that Crystal: and have a relationship. Absolutely. the other thing, if you’re new into foster care or if you are, seeking something, it’s okay. We were to, and we were blessed with the miracle and,the crazy thing the week that. We were called about our son, being a safe haven baby. Those of you who aren’t quite sure, that means that he was dropped off at the hospital, no questions asked, walked in, left at the emergency, and walked out. There were two babies in Texas that were found in the trash can that same week, but thankfully they were, being, the dogs were being walked and found them before they died. Amy: Oh wow. Crystal: So they did live, Amy: Yeah. Crystal: but just thinking about that and thinking that could have been my son, just, I can’t even, I can’t even think about that. The other thing is about that particular situation. I remember I had taken him to the doctor just as a baby checkup and and. I loved our doctor. Great. Raised all my kids. And, he said, I remember him saying, how do they, how do people do that? How do I can’t believe birth mother or, mothers would do that? And I immediately said, thank goodness they did. Amy: Yes, I Crystal: Thank goodness they did. Amy: And I, he immediately realized what he had said. And, Yeah. Yeah. Crystal: so that kinda stuff goes through foster care as well. and to the, families out there who maybe have had kids go to foster care, this, it is a safe place. Hopefully, hopefully, you can trust it and,and not everybody’s perfect by any means, but, the goal should be getting him back. No matter how much you love them, and if you really love them, do that and keep a connection with them. The more people that love a kid, the better, and I learned that through adoption. There’s no reason to cut off birth. Mothers who place their babies for adoption is the more people that love somebody, the better that person is, Amy: Yeah. I totally agree. Yeah. thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your passion for reunification. I also have a passion for reunification. and I agree. It’s such an experience to get to. Stay connected with those kids that have been with you and to also see those parents succeed. I think that’s pretty incredible to get to see a parent in their lowest of lows and then do everything they can to get their kid back and get their kid back. Like what an awesome thing to get to be a part of as a foster family. so yes. So thank you so much for sharing your time and experience with us, and we Crystal: My pleasure. Amy: it. Crystal: My pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. Amy: Yes. Thanks for joining us for fostering Conversations. To learn more about foster care, go to www.utahfostercare.org.
