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The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Creepshow 2
Saturday, 19 January, 2013
The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Creepshow 2 Being a sequel to an actually good scary movie and keeping the EC Comics motif. = +10pts Giant balls on the tween who does not run away screaming at the site of the obviously demonic periodical man. = +5pts The writer who wrote that above line. = -10pts (To be applied to a personal scorecard.) Really lame "magic hands" move of creepy periodical man. = -3pts Lack of star-power evident in the opening credits. A complete reversal of Hollywood's view that the original Creepshow was a good idea and a movie to be seen in. = -10pts. Exact opposite of creepy synth/keyboard solo during credits. = -5pts Not being directed by George Romero. (Despite what the poster art would have you believe.) = -8pts Utterly terrible between story animation sequences. = -5pts Opening scene of old white man singing "Jimmy Crack Corn" while dusting off a giant Indian Smoking man in front of his store. (In 1987 = 0pts, In 2013 = -17pts) = -17pts Old white lady making fun of freeloading (really poor) Native Americans. (In 1987 = +1pts, In 2013 = -20pts) = -19pts The look of confusion on the white guys face at receiving turquoise necklaces in lieu of cash. = 0pts (But kind of hilarious.) The dialogue. = -3pts The "You're disgusting" line uttered after obnoxious wailing fat guy grabs his crotch and tells the old man to "put this in your mouth." = +8pts Unintentional (one hopes) Diet Pepsi appearance at awkward moment. = +2pts HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT IS FUCKING IRISH ACTOR HOLT McCALLANY PLAYING THE LONG HAIRED NATIVE AMERICAN ROBBER. (In 1987 = nobody gave a shit, in 2013 = -20pts) = -20pts Poorly dealt issues of race this movie thinks it is treating with respect. (In 1987 = +5pts, In 2013 = -25pts) = -20pts Ability of previously petrified Smoking Indian to operate contemporary technology, like televisions and garage door openers. = +7pts Telling the petrified Smoking Indian covered in blood that he is not alive and can't be alive and then wasting time shooting him. = +3pts Troubling implications of Smoking Indian scalping another Native American as revenge for killing white people. (In 1987 = +10pts (Irony!), In 2013 = -20pts (Racist!)) = -10pts Yes, I'm still here not-scary-cartoon-man. It'll take more than a little 80's cultural insensitivity to get me to stop watching this clearly inferior sequel. = +10pts (For doing me the courtesy of making sure I'm still awake.) Um...spoke too soon. The Raft freaked my shit out bad when I was a kid and is one of Stephen King's best stories. = +20pts Douchbag teens yelling at each other to "pass the weed." Oh, these kids can't die fast enough. Already much better. = +5pts The blonde douchbag's hilarious yellow bikini bottoms. (Likely a joke in 1987 = +5pts, In 2013, still a joke, but funnier in 2013 = +8pts) = +13pts Here's a great idea for you: Drive 50 miles out into the middle of nowhere, take a swim in what looks like an abandoned rock quarry, and leave your car back on the "beach" with the keys in the ignition and the radio still blasting. What could go wrong? = +15pts Watching duck be mysteriously pulled into the water and still swimming in the general direction of it. = +5pts Who took a shit in the lake? = +3pts DON'T TOUCH THE SHIT IN THE WATER!! = +10pts Killing the virgin girl first. = +15pts (You know, because it's not typical in these kinds of movies... Not because it's cool to kill virgins...) Threatening to punch a girl who is upset after watching her friend dissolve into a glop of lake poo. = -5pts Foot-to-face. Best. Raft. Death. Ever. = +25pts Um...non-consensual molestation while a a pervy slick of acidic poo watches. = -20pts (in any decade) Taunting slick of acidic poo. = +5pts Poo wave!! Who's laughing now, beyotch! = +10pts There's nothing like the smell of a rich white lady running over a homeless black man in the morning. = -10pts Car phones with actual cords attached to them. = (In 1987 = +10pts, In 2013 = +15pts) +25pts Refusing to give a ride to the black man you ran over with your car even after he's managed to track you down several miles later. = -5pts "Thanks for the ride, lady." = +5pts (Still makes me laugh.) Now I know where Quintin Tarantino got the inspiration for Django Unchained. = +3pts Why would, what clearly appears to be a zombie, after being mutilated, suddenly fall over after getting shot a few times by a gun? = -2pts Accidentally run over a homeless black man, once? Shame on you. Purposely shoot him six times and then run over him again, repeatedly? Well..shame on you again. (In Regan's 1987 = +10pts, In 2013, -20pts) = -10pts Overallpoints to be earned through unarftful commentary of important issues relevant to 1987. = 0pts (a wash) Progressive Cinema Scorecard Total: +17 points Once again the scorecard proves that the closer to 0 a movie actually is, the less value there is in literally watching it. Had this movie not had The Raft at its center, and had it not been chock-full of shoehorned metaphors of a dead decade, it might have been not bad. But, as it is, it is not good.
