Adulting with Autism

Author: April Ratchford MS OT/L

ADULTING WITH AUTISM A movement for neurodivergent adults, created by autistic occupational therapist April Ratchford, OTR/L. Adulting with Autism is a global community for autistic and ADHD adults navigating independence, relationships, college life, careers, emotional regulation, and real-world executive-function challenges. With over 2.7 million downloads, April blends lived experience, clinical insight, and honest conversation to guide neurodivergent adults into their next chapter of growth. Each episode brings practical tools, mental-health strategies, autistic storytelling, and real talk about boundaries, burnout, sensory needs, finances, friendships, and the messy parts of becoming an independent adult. Featuring leading experts in autism, mental health, neuroscience, accessibility, and creative industries along with deeply human stories from autistic adults around the world. If you're a late-diagnosed autistic adult, a college student trying to survive executive-function chaos, or a neurodivergent person trying to build a life that actually fits you are in the right place. Hosted by: April Ratchford, OTR/L autistic occupational therapist, autism advocate, author, and executive contributor to Brainz Magazine.
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Language: en

Genres: Education, Health & Fitness

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Regulate Yourself First: Parenting, Meltdowns & Boundaries with OT Colleen
Episode 356
Monday, 28 September, 2026

What if one of the most effective ways to support a neurodivergent child is not starting with the child at all? What if it starts with the adult learning to regulate themselves first? In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with fellow occupational therapist Colleen about self-regulation, co-regulation, sensory processing, meltdowns, shutdowns, boundaries, parent burnout, repair conversations, and helping neurodivergent children build confidence without being punished for nervous-system responses.paste.txt Colleen shares why every behavior is communication, why meltdowns are not manipulation, why shutdowns can be missed because they are quieter, and why "defiance" is often a poor explanation for what is actually happening. We also talk about the difference between being firm and being harsh, being flexible and being permissive, holding a boundary and dismissing a feeling, and helping your child develop independence without rescuing them from every hard moment. This episode is for parents, caregivers, neurodivergent adults, occupational therapists, educators, and anyone who has ever thought: "I know what I should do, but I am overstimulated, dysregulated, and my kid just pushed every button I have." In This Episode, We Cover Who Colleen is: pediatric occupational therapist, self-regulation specialist, parent educator, creator of Growing Butterflies OT, and founder of Creations With Colleen.paste.txt Why she moved to California—and why good weather was part of the decision. The guiding question behind her work: "What if the most effective way to support your child is to regulate yourself first?"paste.txt How Colleen's pediatric OT work led her to focus on supporting adults and parents before expecting them to co-regulate a child. Self-regulation in ordinary language: feeling as okay as possible while navigating the hard, uncomfortable, stressful, overwhelming, or unexpected parts of life. Why emotional regulation is not about never having feelings—it is about understanding feelings, noticing them, and choosing what to do next. The difference between self-regulation and co-regulation. Self-regulation: how you care for yourself, understand your body, identify your needs, and move through difficult moments. Co-regulation: how your regulated nervous system influences and supports another person's nervous system. Sensory processing and self-regulation: why hunger, fatigue, transitions, sounds, smells, light, food textures, social demands, and sensory overload can affect behavior. Why smell sensitivity, noise sensitivity, light sensitivity, food aversions, movement needs, and sensory preferences can all affect emotional regulation. Why some people need more intentional sensory support to feel calm, safe, alert, focused, or organized. Why "defiance" may be a misleading label for a child who is overwhelmed, dysregulated, lacking a skill, anxious, sensory overloaded, confused, or feeling powerless. Why some children born after COVID may show more intense preferences, stronger opinions, and less willingness to simply "go with the flow." How to honor a child's voice while also accepting that some tasks are non-negotiable. The balance between accommodating children and helping them learn to do hard things. Why a child's meltdown is communication—not proof of bad intentions. What meltdowns may communicate: overwhelm, lack of control, sensory overload, frustration, fear, perceived unfairness, exhaustion, lack of communication tools, or a nervous system that has reached capacity. Why children often have their biggest meltdowns with parents or caregivers because they feel safest there. Why shutdowns are just as important as meltdowns, even when they are quieter and easier to miss. Shutdown signs: becoming quiet, withdrawing, disengaging, appearing to "give up," becoming less verbal, avoiding interaction, zoning out, or losing access to previously available skills. Why confidence-building can protect against shutdown by helping children feel capable of working through difficult moments. Common adult reactions that accidentally increase dysregulation: saying no without explanation, piling on language, arguing, escalating, demanding compliance in the heat of the moment, or ignoring a child's need for control. Why children may interpret "no" as permanent unless adults clearly explain the boundary and offer future options. Effective co-regulation: adults learning their own triggers, sensory needs, anxiety patterns, exhaustion signals, and capacity limits. Why many adults were never taught emotional regulation in childhood and are now expected to teach it to their children. Colleen's coffee story: missing a needed second cup of coffee before a demanding preschool observation and then realizing how quickly neglecting her own needs affected her capacity. Why taking care of yourself first is not selfish—it allows you to show up with more patience, discernment, flexibility, and emotional room for others. Boundaries: the difference between harshness, permissiveness, overgiving, self-abandonment, loving limits, and firm guidance. Why setting boundaries is especially difficult when parents are tired, triggered, guilty, people-pleasing, sensory overloaded, or afraid of upsetting their children. Why feelings are always valid, but not every behavior is okay. A simple core message: "You are allowed to feel angry. You are not allowed to hurt someone because you are angry." How to prepare for hard moments before they happen rather than trying to teach new skills at the peak of a meltdown. Why a dysregulated child is not ready for a long lesson, reasoning, negotiation, or behavior analysis. Why co-regulation with autistic and ADHD teens may look like space, quiet presence, patience, offering options, respecting no-touch preferences, and waiting for communication in its own form. Why nonverbal, minimally speaking, or differently communicating children are still communicating constantly through behavior, facial expression, movement, proximity, withdrawal, sensory seeking, and choices. How to create sensory-supportive spaces without spending huge amounts of money on specialized equipment. Low-cost sensory supports: noise-canceling headphones, spinning chairs, therapy balls, trampolines, movement breaks, jumping, safe pressure, music, massage, fidgets, household items, weighted blankets, and sensory routines. Why sensory support does not need to come from expensive products with the word "sensory" printed on the label. Why older kids, teens, and adults should be taught to identify their own sensory needs instead of relying on others to identify them forever. Why self-awareness is one of the most valuable long-term OT goals. What power struggles often communicate: a child needs more autonomy, clarity, predictability, connection, choices, or emotional support. Why offering more small choices throughout the day can reduce later power struggles. Examples of small choices: red cup or blue cup, shower before or after dinner, homework before or after snack, which shirt, which activity, which order. Inner authority: building trust in your own ability to decide whether a strategy is working, whether it needs more time, or whether it is not the right fit for your family. Why families need to listen to advice without losing their own discernment. Repair after conflict: why it is not enough to just move on after a big feeling moment. When to repair: after everyone has settled, not at the peak of distress. A repair script: name what happened, acknowledge feelings, identify the behavior, hold the boundary, ask for the child's perspective, and make a plan for next time. Why "I'm sorry" alone may not feel meaningful to children without explanation, accountability, connection, and changed behavior. How adult children can work toward repair with parents even if they did not grow up in regulation-focused homes. Why adult children today are more willing to name past harm, ask hard questions, and refuse to pretend childhood experiences were okay when they were not. Why repair requires self-reflection, honest communication, accountability, and willingness from both people. Parenting while neurodivergent: sensory sensitivities, trauma, burnout, emotional overwhelm, strong reactions, masking, and the additional pressure of raising a neurodivergent child. Why neurodivergence includes strengths: creativity, perception, deep interests, connection-making, unique problem-solving, honesty, building, creating, and understanding what others miss. Why neurodivergent parents deserve self-acceptance instead of pressure to appear more neurotypical. Colleen's My Feelings Workbook and its body-awareness activities for children and families. A simple family regulation practice: pause, breathe, scan your body, and identify how you feel physically—strong, tired, hungry, dreamy, energized, overwhelmed, or needing movement. Why helping children name body sensations can make emotions more understandable and manageable. Where to find Colleen's parenting book, children's workbook, educational resources, OT content, courses, and social media.paste.txt About the Guest Colleen is a pediatric occupational therapist based in California. She specializes in self-regulation, big feelings, sensory processing, transitions, co-regulation, parent support, positive boundaries, and helping children develop emotional awareness and confidence.paste.txt Through her practice, resources, courses, books, and online content, Colleen helps families understand that behavior is communication. Her approach combines OT-informed sensory strategies, emotional regulation, nervous-system support, parent self-awareness, clear boundaries, repair, and compassionate guidance.paste.txt She is the creator of Growing Butterflies OT and Creations With Colleen. Her resources include How to Lovingly Set a Firm Boundary, the My Feelings Workbook, parent education tools, sensory supports, and educational materials for children and families.paste.txt Find Colleen at growingbutterfliesot.com, on Instagram at @growingbutterfliesot, and at creationswithcolleen.com. Key Takeaways Self-regulation is not about never getting upset. It is about understanding what you feel, what your body needs, and how to navigate difficult moments. Co-regulation starts with the adult. Children cannot borrow calm from someone whose nervous system is already on fire. Meltdowns, shutdowns, defiance, avoidance, anger, and power struggles are often forms of communication—not evidence of bad intentions. A child can be overwhelmed and still need boundaries. Feelings are valid; harmful behavior is not automatically acceptable. You do not teach a new regulation skill at the peak of a meltdown. First reduce stimulation, maintain safety, offer space, and wait for everyone to settle. Small choices throughout the day can reduce later power struggles because children feel more autonomy and predictability. Sensory support does not have to be expensive. Movement, fidgets, quiet, headphones, trampolines, spinning, pressure, music, therapy balls, and household items can all help. Parents who ignore their own needs are more likely to become depleted, reactive, resentful, and less able to co-regulate. Boundaries are not harsh when they are delivered with clarity, calm, consistency, and respect. Repair is one of the most important parent-child skills: name what happened, acknowledge feelings, maintain the boundary, and plan for next time. Neurodivergent adults and parents deserve to understand their own sensory needs, nervous-system capacity, trauma patterns, and strengths. The goal is not to make every child look neurotypical. The goal is to help them understand themselves, feel supported, and develop the skills they need for their own life.