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Adulting with AutismAuthor: April Ratchford MS OT/L
ADULTING WITH AUTISM A movement for neurodivergent adults, created by autistic occupational therapist April Ratchford, OTR/L. Adulting with Autism is a global community for autistic and ADHD adults navigating independence, relationships, college life, careers, emotional regulation, and real-world executive-function challenges. With over 2.7 million downloads, April blends lived experience, clinical insight, and honest conversation to guide neurodivergent adults into their next chapter of growth. Each episode brings practical tools, mental-health strategies, autistic storytelling, and real talk about boundaries, burnout, sensory needs, finances, friendships, and the messy parts of becoming an independent adult. Featuring leading experts in autism, mental health, neuroscience, accessibility, and creative industries along with deeply human stories from autistic adults around the world. If you're a late-diagnosed autistic adult, a college student trying to survive executive-function chaos, or a neurodivergent person trying to build a life that actually fits you are in the right place. Hosted by: April Ratchford, OTR/L autistic occupational therapist, autism advocate, author, and executive contributor to Brainz Magazine. Language: en Genres: Education, Health & Fitness Contact email: Get it Feed URL: Get it iTunes ID: Get it |
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ADHD Is Not Bad Behavior: Parenting, Shame & Family Systems with Judy Richardson-Mahre
Episode 345
Monday, 31 August, 2026
What if your child is not being defiant, lazy, careless, or disrespectful—but struggling with a brain function they cannot simply force into place? In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with Judy Richardson-Mahre, founder of Kaleidoscope Coaching and Counseling, ADHD specialist, therapist, educator, wife to an ADHD partner, and mother of four neurodivergent children.kcccares+1 Judy shares what changed when her husband and daughter were diagnosed around the same time—and when her husband said, "You mean I'm not just stupid?" That moment became part of her mission: helping neurodivergent children, adults, couples, and families replace blame with accurate brain-based understanding. We discuss ADHD as brain wiring rather than a discipline problem, why consequences often fail when executive function is impaired, how emotional escalation can be a form of attempted motivation, and what positive discipline looks like when you are raising kids with different strengths, struggles, and support needs. In This Episode, We Cover Who Judy is: ADHD specialist, therapist, educator, engineer, wife to an ADHD partner, and mother of four neurodivergent children.kcccares+1 Why her family's diagnoses changed her career and inspired her to help families understand neurodiverse brains. The moment her husband learned about ADHD and asked, "You mean I'm not just stupid?" ADHD as brain wiring—not moral failure, poor parenting, laziness, lack of intelligence, or malicious behavior. Why behavior often reflects a mismatch between expectations and executive-function capacity. How Judy's engineering background supports her focus on systems, strengths, problem-solving, and brain-based patterns. What life looked like before diagnosis: chaos, escalations, confusion, discouragement, outside criticism, and attempts to gain "control" that made everyone more dysregulated. Why different ADHD children can express challenges differently: emotional intensity, difficulty following multi-step directions, high energy, forgetfulness, and other executive-function needs. Why parents need to understand executive functions before interpreting behavior. The dangers of placing neurotypical expectations on neurodivergent children. Why consequences often do not work when a child lacks reliable control over the skill being punished. The "glasses" analogy: when a child cannot see, we provide glasses; we do not punish them for failing to see harder. How negative messages affect ADHD children and can create shame, rejection sensitivity, low self-worth, and later mental-health struggles. Why Judy says children with ADHD can receive overwhelmingly more negative feedback than neurotypical peers. How chronic criticism can turn into rejection sensitivity and the expectation that every interaction will bring judgment or disapproval. Long-term effects of missed support: anxiety, depression, shame, self-harm risk, substance use, relationship challenges, driving difficulties, and employment instability. Why words such as "defiant," "irresponsible," "lazy," "not trying," and "bad behavior" can misrepresent executive-function struggles. ADHD and internal motivation: why a non-preferred task can trigger avoidance, anger, emotional escalation, or conflict. How anger may become the brain's attempt to create enough stimulation to complete an unwanted task. Alternatives to anger-based motivation: music, dance, body movement, playfulness, novelty, co-regulation, and creating positive emotional activation before a hard task. Positive discipline: not authoritarian, not permissive, but a combination of kindness, firmness, mutual respect, boundaries, accountability, and skill building. Judy's Parent Rescue approach: pairing positive discipline with ADHD and neurodiversity-informed parenting support. Setting developmentally appropriate expectations and adding support when a child cannot yet meet a demand independently. How to set boundaries around items such as screen time without arguing, negotiating endlessly, escalating, or shaming. Why parents need to regulate their own anxiety before trying to regulate a child. Parenting as a marathon rather than a sprint: repetition, systems, support, respite, tag-teaming, and realistic expectations. Why teenagers and young adults can trigger parents so intensely—and how family-of-origin wounds can affect a parent's reaction. ADHD in couples: forgotten agreements, shutdown during conflict, emotional escalation, different planning strengths, and mismatched executive function. Judy's relationship metaphor: "I'm the planner, and he's the planter." Why a fair division of labor is not traditional or identical—it is based on actual strengths, capacity, and what each person can reliably carry. Why an undiagnosed or defensive ADHD partner may benefit from a neutral third party such as a therapist or ADHD-informed couples clinician. When therapy, coaching, or both may be useful for ADHD adults and couples. What to seek in an ADHD-informed clinician: specific training in executive function, ADHD, neurodiversity, relationships, and the varied ways ADHD presents. How to recognize approaches that are too shaming, rigid, behavior-focused, or designed to make neurodivergent people seem more neurotypical. Why movement, sensory tools, music, breathing, and nervous-system regulation are essential supports for anxious ADHD brains. Judy's closing message: when parents understand neurodiversity, compassion, patience, mutual respect, and connection become more possible. About the Guest Judy Richardson-Mahre is the founder of Kaleidoscope Coaching and Counseling in Apple Valley, Minnesota. She is an Adlerian marriage and family therapist, educator, ADHD specialist, parent coach, and consultant who supports neurodivergent individuals, couples, parents, families, educators, and clinicians.kcccares+1 Her approach blends therapy, coaching, positive discipline, parent education, ADHD-informed strategies, executive-function support, couples work, and neurodiversity-affirming care. Kaleidoscope Coaching and Counseling provides support for ADHD, anxiety, depression, parenting, co-parenting, grief, loss, adolescent therapy, adult therapy, couples therapy, and family therapy.kcccares+1 Find Judy, her services, ADHD coaching, training resources, and Parent Rescue information at kcccares.com.kcccares+1 Key Takeaways ADHD behavior is not automatically a behavior problem; it may reflect executive-function capacity, internal-motivation differences, nervous-system activation, or a need for more support. Shame-based language can create long-term damage, especially when a child repeatedly hears that they are lazy, bad, difficult, or not trying. Consequences are ineffective when a child does not have reliable control over the skill being punished. Positive discipline is neither permissive nor authoritarian; it combines kindness, firmness, boundaries, accountability, and skill teaching. Anger and avoidance may be an ADHD brain's attempt to create enough stimulation to approach a non-preferred task. A fair division of labor in ADHD relationships is based on strengths and reliability—not rigid gender roles or equal-looking task lists. Regulation comes before executive function. When anxiety and emotion rise, access to planning, memory, flexibility, and impulse control drops. Parents do not have to be perfect. Understanding the brain and reducing shame can change a family's direction at any point.
