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Normalize therapy.Formerly called The Marriage Podcast for Smart People Author: Caleb & Verlynda Simonyi-Gindele
Formerly: The Marriage Podcast for Smart People Language: en-us Genres: Health & Fitness, Mental Health, Relationships, Society & Culture Contact email: Get it Feed URL: Get it iTunes ID: Get it |
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Loving a Sexual Abuse Survivor: A Partner’s Practical Guide
Episode 297
Monday, 27 October, 2025
Loving someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is a journey many walk but few discuss openly. As the partner, you stand in a unique and often challenging place. You may feel confused by triggers, hurt by what feels like rejection, and helpless in your desire to connect with the person you love. The past trauma can feel like a third person in your marriage, impacting everything from sexual intimacy to everyday affection. You are not alone in this. And more importantly, there is hope. Healing is possible, not just for the survivor, but for the relationship. We invited author, speaker, and survivor Mary DeMuth to Normalize therapy for a compassionate and practical conversation. She and her husband, Patrick, have navigated this path and offer a rare window into the journey from both sides. https://youtu.be/XcpGYV0JfJ8 Here is an edited transcript of our conversation, offering practical wisdom for partners who are committed to loving their spouse toward healing. Meet Mary DeMuth: A Survivor's Perspective Caleb: Mary, thank you so much for joining us. Your willingness to speak on difficult topics like this is a lifeline for so many. Before we dive in, for listeners who may not be familiar with your story, could you share a little bit about why this topic is so close to your heart? Mary: Yeah. So as you mentioned, I am a survivor of sexual assault in, uh, several different kinds of forms, primarily one year as a kindergartner, uh, for multiple times. And so there's just a lot of sexual brokenness there. Knowing the statistics and knowing how many people, whether men or women who have been sexually assaulted... it deeply impacts your intimate relationships. And... no one ever talked to us about it, and it was not an easy climb out of that hole. So I just am here to offer some hope because there were many years where I felt hopeless about it. The "Hottie For Your Honey Seminar": Why Culture Gets Sex Wrong for Survivors Caleb: In one of your articles, Mary, you described being at a woman's conference where the speaker was exhorting women to be a "hottie for your honey". And... your description of feeling so uncomfortable and out of place... you also use the phrase of feeling like a "skinny girl at a sumo wrestling seminar," that kind of really powerful image of feeling alienated. Can you talk about that gap between the common cultural or church narrative about marital sex and the actual reality for survivors of childhood sexual abuse? Mary: I remember sitting in that room... and I was so mad. I knew the statistics and I knew that between anywhere from 40 to 75% of those women had been sexually assaulted in some way. And for them to be forced or pressured... to act a certain way, was hard enough for someone with no injury, but... almost impossible for someone with sexual injury. There's two problems. One problem is, as a survivor of sexual abuse, some of the things they were telling us to do were impossible for me, at least at that time. The second part was that in a lot of these spaces... they'll be like, "Don't have sex before marriage". Okay, great. The moment you're married, then suddenly... you have to just be a hundred percent okay with everything when you've been told that it's bad and awful and terrible up until that point. So if you take those two things together, if you're a sexual abuse victim and you've been raised in that kind of evangelical complex... it makes for a very disappointing and freaked out... wedding night. Caleb: Yeah. And then day of marriage, you're supposed to flip a switch... I can't even imagine layering on top of that when you're a survivor of sexual violence and your body is just like, "What? This is safe now?" It's very confusing. Beyond the Bedroom: When Even a Hug Feels Unsafe Caleb: And so while it... makes sense that the sexual intimacy is a huge challenge, you've also written about how trauma affects... everyday non-sexual affection too.
