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Static RadioAuthor: Bob LeMent
The strange and humorous happenings in the lives of two US Midwesterners. Language: en-us Genres: Comedy, Relationships, Society & Culture Contact email: Get it Feed URL: Get it iTunes ID: Get it |
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Bottle Service
Episode 15
Tuesday, 14 April, 2026
Miles helps Desiree with a personal issue, while Bob changes his ordering procedure. Subscribe Random show from the last 25+ years Random Post https://youtube.com/live/r95ZbxHYsQs Miles helps Desiree with a personal issue, while Bob changes his ordering procedure. Bottle Service Bad AI Transcript Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world? And if you did, oh, she crying, crying, hey. I’m lying here with Linda on my mind. Hey everyone, this is Miles. Is that Conway Twitty? Yes, Conway Twitty, yeah. Are you a Twitty, what do they call those, Twitty Titties? What do they call those women that like Conway Twitty? I didn’t know it existed, but I guess. Back in the day. I see. something like that. They had some kind of, you know, funny name for them. Uh, not where i came from, but okay. Yeah. Really? I was really, you know, those women with the like bleach blonde, tall hair, you know, where they had keep going out went out and bought like the leaning tower, a piece of hair for their head. Oh yeah. Yeah. That big beehive kind of bullshit you know yeah well we’re going way back here, folks.Way back. Way back. Classic. I’ve got to tell you. Welcome, everybody, to the show. We’re glad you’re here. Thanks for listening. Really appreciate it. taking donations for the miles title ER fund. gone so much lately that, you know, he really needs to put in for a, you know. I need some adderall people, so come on, man. If everybody would just, here’s my po box, mail me all your leftover drugs. Yeah, anything. Yeah. That would be like if you remember the soupy sales thing where he said to take Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be you. You’d be like, I’ll take any. Leftover prescriptions. Yeah. Don’t even have to label them. And breast milk. Yeah. That’d be weird. Yeah. That was a weird thing to say. Yeah. Yeah. Fresh or frozen. I actually saw that on a, like one of those community boards there on something like some days I, I got plenty. So if anyone’s interested. And look, that’s a weird question. Now, would you give your, well, I know you would take it yourself, but would you give your child someone else’s breast milk?I don’t know how that works. Is that right? I mean, I don’t know. I mean, you give other people milk and that doesn’t seem right. Well, I know. I mean, what if the woman’s a tweaker or something? You know, I don’t know. People call me the space cowboy. Got breast milk on Craigslist. You see some weird stuff sometimes. I don’t know. Some people call me. Miles title. I’m down with the breast milk of love. I like a sippy cup full of bee juice. Oh, I hope my family’s not listening. Please. God. Yeah. If my nephew’s listening, this is all scripted. So if you’re listening, I’d be forced to read this. He’s got blackmail material on me that I cannot shake all the way from my college days. Yeah, basically.So I’ve been forced to do this all these years because of it. I could not tell my story without… Don’t blame your old Uncle Miles. It’s not his fault. I’m trying to think of… I traveled and you think I would have funny things to talk about. Do you like to go out and eat? I did. Well, this is kind of funny because… Not because it was inherently funny, but I got an out to eat story for you. And you love to judge people. So go ahead. Continue. How’s that breast milk tasting right now? So I was working out of town and I needed to get some food. I did not eat lunch. I skipped lunch because I didn’t. I don’t know. They had this kind of bagel sandwich thing going on. And I was thirsty for a teat. And then they’ll have this stuff all over. I cannot stand my food smeared with other juicy condiments. Like breast milk? Or whatever. Yeah. If you put a little cornstarch in it, you can thicken it up.Make it into a nice spread. Put a little strawberry into it. It’ll taste great. It’s like quick. I’m like, okay, I’m skipping lunch because they threw all the sandwiches in a big kiddie pool full of mayonnaise or something. I’m like, I cannot. No, I’m not going to have that. It’s not the salad I ordered. And they’re like, Bob, do you want some lunch? I’m like, no, no. You know, there’s always in the movie or whatever where somebody’s not going to touch whatever it is, like shaking their head. No, no, that was me. But Marie, I am awful thirsty. Yeah, and so I skipped lunch. So I was really hungry, but then I had to do an evening thing. So I’ve wanted, I know you’re going to,Was that like Buffalo Bill’s dance in the Silence of the Lambs? Was that your evening thing where you talk a little and start dancing? That’s right. What size are you? I picture that’s your evening thing. Would you eat mayonnaise? I’d eat a mayonnaise so hard. I’m not eating the mayonnaise. It puts the mayonnaise on the bagel. It’s the lotion in the bagel. I only had an hour to go get something to eat and get back. The problem was this venue was nowhere near anything. I wanted to have a nice salad and a steak. So I drove, they’re both healthy. So, yeah, exactly. So I was, uh, I was sitting there not paying attention, which I should have been and looking up and I’m like, oh my gosh, I could eat a steak and get a salad and a steak here at the hotel. And it’s going to cost me like $60. I know it was a fancy place and I’m like, but there’s an outback about 15 minutes away.Yeah. So I hightail it to the Outback during my time. Mm-hmm. You know, I’m driving. You know, you hear like Dukes of Hazzard music in the back. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Because I’m down at Lake of the Ozarks, which is already Dukes of Hazzard country. You get to the DV car. Come on. Yeah. So I go screaming into the Outback, and I get seated. And this nice lady comes over is going to be my waitress. And she’s like, well, you want to drink? And so I told her and, um, and then she comes back and she took a little long with the drink. You know what I mean? Sorry. I was almost on the clock here. I got to get out of here. Right. It was a big cup full of breast milk. It took me a little while. I’m sorry. Yeah.I actually had Coke Zero, which is my new drink of choice. Yeah, go ahead. Because, you know, I love Coca-Cola. But anyway, so she comes back with my Coke, and she’s like, you ready to order? And I’m like, yes. And I go, don’t delay anything. I go, I want it all as quickly as possible. You want an asshole. Jesus. I wasn’t being mean. And she’s She’s like looking at me like, she’s like, you know the salad will come out first, right? Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. I go, yes. I go, but don’t delay anything. Just put it all in. I don’t care when it comes out. I got to eat and get out of here. And she’s like all confused. Mm-hmm. She’s like, oh, okay. Mm-hmm.Anyway, she brings me my salad and my bread, which, by the way, they have the best bread. I don’t know what the hell it’s made out of. You know what the secret ingredient is, don’t you? What is it? Brass milk. Yeah, I figured you were going to say that. But anyway, I really confused the hell out of her. And then she did bring me my food fairly quickly. Here you go there, Russian boy. Here you are. And it was actually really quite good. My wife asked me, she’s like, did you send a picture to Miles of your steak? No, I did not. So I think that joke is worn thin now. Yeah. Yeah. But she really was put off by the fact that I wanted to have my food quickly. It’s weird. Bob will send these pictures like, hey, this is from Tiger Tigers. So, you know, I’m like, well, come on, get the fuck out of here with that. So, yeah, but I thought I was being nice, right? I was like, I’m going to try to do this more. I’ll be honest with you. Even though you think I’m an asshole.Oh, I know you’re an asshole, and I don’t think it. I know it. I know it. I’ve been too polite for too long, and I just need to put it out there the way I want things now into the world. As he makes fun of an old man a week ago on the show, by the way, yeah. Who was the old man? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys are out of the restaurant. All these crippled people keep coming. You’re making fun of some old man who probably fought in World War II. He could take you on any day of the week. I wasn’t making fun of him. I’m just saying he’s in better shape than you are. Probably. I’m like, yeah, I think this is the new approach. I’m like, no, I want this. The next night,I went to one of my favorite pizza places down Lake of the Ozarks called Pappos or Pappos. I don’t know how they say it. And I’m by myself. I go sit at the bar. The waitress comes up. What do you want? Coke Zero. And I got a pizza. And I’m like, I don’t even look at it in the menu. Give me this. And Coke Zero. Boom. She was happy. They both got 20%. Welcome to Areoles. So, you know, I’m just saying. Wow, it looks pretty hot looking. What’s that? Was she hot looking? No, they were just waitresses. I don’t know. Well, it sounds like you got something going on with those ladies at the bar. I don’t know. No, no, no. I’m just saying I’ve taken this approach where I’m not going to the conventional method where you get your drink. I know what I want. I know what I want every time I go in someplace.I never go anywhere where I don’t know what I want. I look at all the menus online and then I go there. Sometimes I do look at the menus online. But get in there. Get what I want. Get it ordered. Eat it. It’s fantastically delicious. Ate at the bar watching the Masters Tournament on the television. Yeah. And got out of there. The funny thing on that one was when I came in the door, they They have a weird setup. You come into the back of the restaurant at Papo’s. Because the parking lot’s back there. Because down at Lake of the Ozarks, the land prices are sky high. And so everybody’s got some kind of bullshit parking lot going on. So I happen to be just ahead of this herd of children. Out of my way.That’s right. George Costanza them into the building. I got one hour. So I come in and all these kids are piling in behind me. And the lady who’s doing the hostess lady is like, are you all together? I’m like, no, I’m by myself. I don’t know about these people. I’ll just sit at the bar. She’s like, go right ahead. Yeah. She was trying to lump me in with a bunch of children. I thought you were like the den mother or something. She’s like, I bet you’re, are you breastfeeding? Are you in the wax? Do you need a room to help pump? You take off those glasses. You look like B Arthur. But anyway, yeah. So, I mean, I did go out to eat and had some,I’ve got a new style now. I’m going to adapt this. This is my new style. I’m not waiting for the niceties of going out to eat anymore. I’m just going to tell them what the fuck I want and then just get it and be done. I bet you’d be all like, give me Uber Eats or something. DoorDash. Well, you know, I have done that in the past. Yeah. Quite a bit. And I got tired of that because well first of all, you know i don’t like DoorDash. Every time they come to get your food, they take it into the bathroom with them. I’ve seen it happen multiple times. I’m like waiting in line at chipotle or something, then this guy comes in he picks up an order, and he heads right to the bathroom. That does not sound right. Yeah. That’s not right.I was in the suburbs of Chicago. I had witnessed this. I’ve witnessed this here in St. Louis. I’ve witnessed it too much. And I’m like, never, I’m never doing this again. So now, yeah, now I’m, I’m, you know, on the bandwagon to just go out. That’s disgusting. I know. That’s what I thought. I’m like, all these bastards is taking your food into the bathroom with them. Is that why it takes so fucking long to get that shit? They, I mean, I know they got to go to the bathroom, but do that first. I’m going to crap on the clock. Yeah, I know. Wash your hands. So anyway, yeah, I’ve turned over a new leaf. Okay. I’m demanding what I want, and I’m getting it. Listen, you’re like a Jack Nicholson ordering here. Just give me an egg salad sandwich. Yeah, you’re all Mr. Tough Guy. Sure, I don’t understand. Yeah, you’re more Randy Quaid, but anyhow. I don’t know. Randy Quaid. Yeah, that’s me. But yeah, I…because it worked out so well this time. It worked out great for me. I did that, you know. Actually, I did it all three nights. I ordered like that so i had the fajitas one night, which were fantastic. The heat is in one hour unless it’s free. That’s right. Woofing that shit down. Yeah, I’m different. I was in Kansas City a few weeks ago. I went to an arcade. Yeah. So I’m doing more things. I’m like, fuck it. I’m by myself. Who cares? I’m going. I’ve been trying to get you to do this for a long time. And you’re always like, no, I’ll get in trouble. I can’t, Miles. I’ll get in trouble. Well, apparently I’ve figured it out on my own. Go to a titty bar or something. No, I can’t do that. I can’t do that. Yeah, go ahead. Who’s going to know? There’s a place there in Kansas City on the state line called Breast Milk Bertha’s. You should try it out. Tell them Large Mark sent you. No, so yeah, I’m just doing stuff, but there wasn’t I was going to go play some pinball, but there wasn’t the arcade place closed early because it’sNot quite seasoned down there yet. I was out of season. I would recommend it to anybody. Just get your order and get done with it. Why dilly-dally? Go see Bob’s favorite waitress at Papo’s. Papo’s, yeah. It was good. There’s more than one Papo’s. That’s a good one. I thought you said Papoose. Papoose. So, yeah. What’s that? Yeah. Okay. Apparently, that’s the name of this show this week. No, it wasn’t as funny. Yeah, it’s not as funny. I went to a restaurant. All the restaurants down here, down here, down in Lake of the Ozarks are all suggestive. Remember, I went to a place called Peckers. Peckers, right. Yeah, Show Me’s is the Doing your mom’s. Yeah. I went to this new one called Bottle Baby.Oh, that’s funny. Yeah. No, they actually have one. I didn’t get to go to it. It’s like a bar restaurant called Marty birds. If you ever seen the TV show, Ozark, you know, Jason Bateman’s characters named Marty bird. And they actually have a restaurant named after his character. Now they’re like in the Ozarks. I will try to go there and report in at some point. More now. Yeah. Anyway, what’s going on with you? I am taking control of my life. Full speed ahead. Yeah. Getting what I want. Yeah. I’ve become a motivational speaker, too. That’s my new thing. Apparently. Won’t ever want to eat a salad. All you weasley little bastards who can’t order food, I’m here to help you. Salad is good.Get a nice salad. You’re like the Gordon Gekko of salad. I had a salad tonight. It was fantastic. You love your salad. I do. You do. What’s up with you? So, you know, didn’t really have anything to do this weekend, unfortunately. You don’t like having me. I did absolutely nothing. Have you ever sat around all Saturday and just picked your ass? uh pretty much. Yes. And so, uh, my wife and her best friend, like just to compare like physical ailments and whatever you ever get on this contest. because I mean, I think you can keep up. No, I don’t, I don’t have any friends. I mean, you’re my kind of friend, I guess, but right. because I only show up once a week and then i don’t even ask you about anything yeah basically yeah like oh okay whateverAnd they always have, you know, something going on. Either they’re stressed out or headaches or whatever. Sometimes my head hurts. Sometimes my stomach hurts. Mm-hmm. Whatever. Yeah. My neck and back is aching. My sight and hearing is fading. I just can’t get it up. Yeah. Yeah. All that, you know. I’m an adult now. So I hear her talking to her best friend, Desiree, for a while. Oh, Desiree. And she gets off the phone. She goes, wow. I go, what’s wrong? She goes, man, she’s really worried about herself. Really? I’m like, what’s wrong? She goes, she hasn’t pooped in four days. What? My God, you can barely walk without pooping. I’m like, what? Yeah, she’s getting concerned. I go, I would be at the doctor’s office after like seven hours. I’d be like, there’s something wrong with me.There is something wrong with me. If I don’t wake up and poop, there’s something wrong with me. Right? Yeah. No, I’ve had to poop like the middle of the night sometimes. Oh, really? Not all the time, but yes, occasionally. Once in a while. Yeah, four days is a little extreme. Does she just want to eat or something? And I know she goes regularly because she used to come, especially stop by her house just to relieve herself. Oh, because she had a bathroom that she was comfortable in. Basically, like, she’d be out and about, and she’s like, oh, well, I know where i can go. I don’t have to go to, you know some you know food place or the big box store. I’ll just go to miles’s house and, you know, burn it up in there and you know what she hasn’t done in a while, thank god really yeah well because she’s not pooping, that’s why. I guess. No, I’m like, wow. I mean, I was really concerned. I wasn’t even like, wow. You know, like, usually i’d be like like uhI got a long finger here. There are ways to handle that. I can fish something out of there. I’m sure. Yeah. No, I was trying to make jokes. I go, because then they were like texting each other. I’m like, tell her that she’s having too much, you know, butt sex or something. Right. And, uh, so this goes on the back and forth, all this. Now she’s thinking about going to the ER. Oh my God. I’m like, wow. Holy cow. She can go buy a fleet enema for like, Five bucks or something. I don’t know if she’s aware of what that is. I mean, you practically, it’s like a hobby. Nah, one time. I wasn’t in college either, by the way. Was it before college? I experimented. Apparently, she did go to a small ER somewhere in the area.And, uh, was told, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with you. They’re like, is ned ZR? What’s your problem? Well, yeah, it was more like the vet, you know, it’s a vet, you know, we do oil changes on the north side. And, uh, it was kind of like your uh your your father-in-law you know, he was kind of like this back room, you know, uh, yeah. Yeah. He’s spayed and neutered. Animals, uh, on the side. Yeah. On the down low yeah yeah and uh yeah guy and so some guy named Dr. Fred, you know, looks her up there ain’t nothing wrong with you ain’t nothing wrong with you ain’t full of let me uh get my spy scope and take a look up there. So what did she finally poop or no?So after she goes to the ER, she gets home and guess what happens? All hell breaks loose. She poops. Oh, okay. After four days. That’s a lot. And, uh, so my wife’s talking to her. She’s hearing the good news. I go, well, just tell her that we were praying for her asshole. You know, some great. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she’s going to live. She’s going to live apparently. So, That’s weird. How long have you ever gone without pooping? Oh, God. I can’t even imagine. Oh, God. I go every day. More than once? Oh, yeah. Definitely more than once. I’m pretty much a once a day guy. But you go every day though, correct? There’d be no way you would like… Well, you know, like for instance, because I was traveling, I skipped a day.because when you, anyway, when you travel, you get a little bit off schedule. Yeah. Yeah. But normally once a day, but yeah, if I, if I’m, you know, running around or whatever, sometimes I’ll skip a day, but not very often. Like I was a kid. I was like that. Like I couldn’t go for a while. You know, I was like, like we travel somewhere. Like I can’t go. Yeah. Well, yeah. You know, adults like pull over, pull over, pull over. Yeah. Just hang your ass out the window. Yeah. So I’m better. Yeah. You should be excessive. Oh God. How a lot of good salad. Uh, she eats, uh, she has an unusual diet. Yeah. She has a weird diet. I don’t know. Press milk.Oh, I thought the show was going to end. I was letting the air. It can end. No, I just thought that would be a funny ending. Well, we can make it the ending. Here we go. Breast milk. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/04/07/amigo-punch/” title=”Amigo Punch” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/04/07/amigo-punch/” ——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-
