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Static RadioAuthor: Bob LeMent
The strange and humorous happenings in the lives of two US Midwesterners. Language: en-us Genres: Comedy, Relationships, Society & Culture Contact email: Get it Feed URL: Get it iTunes ID: Get it |
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Mowing Last
Episode 17
Tuesday, 28 April, 2026
Bob channels James Mason and asks Miles for an apology, while Miles entertains Mr. Miagi, trying to put together a lawnmower. Subscribe Random show from the last 25+ years Random Post https://youtube.com/live/ExBzspEVrg8 Bob channels James Mason and asks Miles for an apology, while Miles entertains Mr. Miagi, trying to put together a lawnmower. Mowing Last Bad AI Transcript Oh, no, no. here tonight, building in for Bob. How is everyone? Gee, fantastic. Are you there? You disconnected me a twat. He apparently is having some trouble with his technology. Oh, I’m appearing twice again. That is an affront to civilization as we know it. you tonight, Miles? I’ve already introduced you. Oh, I see. Uh, yeah, no good. I don’t really like to come in like this, but that’s all right. Well, I’m not sure what you mean. Late, perhaps? Late? My God, you show up like six minutes late this motherfucker is all like you don’t know your fucking web dude! My God, damn, man, fuck. you Here in the Queens country, we are never late. Christ almighty. Somebody’s got a big chip on their shoulder tonight, don’t they? I hope you’re not like this on that poor guy that talks about corner gas. Jesus Christ. Fuck. He’s never late. He’s never late. It’s amazing. Oh, come on. Bullshit. Never. He’s never late. I was a little late. I had some choring to do. Choring? Is that slang for something? I’m not so…convinced you know, there’s uh do you know who dana gould is? No, I think so. Yes. He’s a comedian. I think so. Yes. And he does. I don’t know how he does this. This is a good question. Maybe you have an idea because you are a shyster and you know how to rip people off. Yep. He does a show called, uh, the famous Dr. Z where he plays Dr. Zaius. He’s actually in Planet of the Apes makeup and the suit of Dr. Zaius. And he pretends… Okay. Hello? Yeah, he pretends that he is Dr. Zaius. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me? No, it said I’ve been disconnected. I’m sorry. Continue. Yeah, okay. You’re back again? I guess. Okay, continue. So he plays Dr. Zaius and does a talk show as if he’s been around since Planet of the Apes movies have been out, and he does impersonation and everything, right? That was my idea. I wonder how he gets away with that. That was my idea. Was it?Yeah. We recorded on the show here? Well, I didn’t say that, but i mean, yeah, it was my idea yeah i just i thought it one day. Okay. Yeah. Well, he does it. And so i’m thinking now i should do i should be i should do james mason and i’ll dress up like james mason and do a whole show like i’m james Mason. Uh, well, you’ve got less hair than you did. Well, he wore a wig, so will I. It’s all good. Wait, what? No. Yes, he wore a wig. Of course he wore a wig. All those people wore wigs. They did? They still do. No, come on. You name a person, and I’ll tell you if they wear a wig or not. Bert Convy. Of course you wore a fucking wig. Bert Convy? That’s the most stupidest thing.John Wayne, for Christ’s sake. Rip Taylor. A wig. Yes, a wig. Okay. All right. I don’t know. John Connery. Wig. Wig. Rug. Yeah. Yeah. He wore a wig. He wore a wig. Whatever. Oh, jeez. I think that would be… So, I mean, if Dana Gould can get away with Dr. Z, I’m sure I could get away with… Who’s paying attention to David… Or not David Niven. Who’s paying attention to James Mason at this point? David Niven. Same difference. I was going to do David Niven, but I thought it was too highbrow. Yeah, David Niven’s not… I don’t know that I could do his voice, but James Mason, of course I can. Yeah, his is more stylized. That’s right. He talks like this, and he’s… It’s so good to be alive. Yes. So tell me, Miles, who do you blame for your lateness?Is it an Apple thing? You blame your mother. Is it your mother’s fault? Or possibly a young lady? Lolita! I can have a co-host. Lolita could be my co-host. Lolita! There you go. I can tell you’re not even enjoying this idea in the least. No, it’s really gone on like 10 minutes longer, and I really wanted it to, to be honest. That’s because I started it before we started recording. I know, and it’s kind of a swing and a miss at this point. I’m like, okay. Hey, by the way, I’ve been instructed. I have notes here. I’ve been instructed to tell you, and my wife was not very enamored with your choice to let her die. in your because she’s she’s injured currently and she couldn’t get away from the zombies and or sharks. I just had a movie idea we built upon it and uh she’s not happy that that was, you know. You kind of took it to a dark place and uh i just said, okay, well, okay. What? How did i take it to a dark mine was uplifting where everyone lives when you change it around likeMaybe you could kill off my wife. I’m like, well, I guess. Yeah, I think that you can play the game. That wasn’t me. Thanks a lot. I watched that shitty shark movie that you were bitching about. Thanks a lot, jackass. I told you not to watch it. Because then my wife’s like, oh, let’s watch it. Bob watched it, so it must be highbrow class. Yeah. Oh, my God. What a horrible fucking movie. I told you. It’s horrible. I told you. Why would that Academy Award winning guy be in a thrash or whatever it’s called? Cash. Yeah. You know you’d fucking do it in a heartbeat. You’d be like, yeah. A million? Two million? Sure. I’ll do it. Yeah. Sure. I’ll show you my ass. Yeah. Why not? A million. I can live with myself. Yeah. What do you mean? You live with yourself now. Yeah, right. I’d do a Dirk Diggler if his money paid right. Yeah. I was going to say.It’d be kind of… A little dangle. A little… Yeah, thanks a lot. Watch it. Maybe a little… Yeah. More like Billy Birdie, you know? Yeah. So, yeah. So, anyway, she told me to make mention of that. Sorry, Mrs. Lumet. Sorry. They all can’t be winners. Mason in person. I was going to try to do that the whole time, but I don’t think I can, so… Please, yeah, at this point, stop. Oh, Miles. I really, everyone is tuned out at this point, believe me. They tuned out before they started. Even CB is like putting a rope around his neck right now. He’s like, I can’t, I can’t. Listen to this for five more minutes. I’m a diehard, I can’t do this. Yeah, I mean, the guy’s listened since like 1972 when we started this. I can’t, I can’t. My life is over.He’d be doing like auto erotic, erotic. Yeah. Goodness gracious. Yeah. So yeah. Anyway, I was just, Oh, got me. Oh, Crazy world, man. Crazy world. So the other morning I was driving early in the morning. And I think, what are the odds of this? I drive in early in the morning and there’s this truck in the ditch. But it’s not in the ditch like, you know, just nose first in the ditch. It’s like driven apparently at a high rate of speed to where the wheels are hanging in the ditch, all four wheels. Because it’s like somehow they’ve driven… in this ditch that was like different widths, I guess you’d say, or like narrower and it got wider where it was being held up on the sides of the fenders and stuff. And the wheels were just hanging down the ditch. Oh, it wasn’t me either. It wasn’t me. The hitcher. I don’t know. I was just like, I, it was at a corner. So I assume they were drunk and lost control and then just drove right into this ditch and kind of got,Did you go to Decatur High School like I did, buddy? He goes, pardon, pardon. Oh, there we go. Oh, Christ. Why? Why, God? My pickup truck is stuck in the ditch. Oh, my God. Why, God? Why? Anyway, I just thought that was probably the most interesting thing I saw all week was like, wow, that’s weird. And then that night, I’m grilling my dinner. And this guy walks up and says he needs a tow. No, and there’s that truck. truck is on the back of a flatbed, and they pull into my, you know uh gated community turn around, apparently. And it’s the same truck. They come pick it up, and it’s like on a on a they pulled it up onto a flatbed. Holy shit, I’m in the movie Duel. Holy shit. I was like, what the heck i’m like, what the hell? What are they doing down here? I don’t know. That’s the most, that’s,I’m sorry. That’s the most interesting thing that happened to me this week. You don’t want to hear about this. That or the fact that I’ve talked about going swimming. I go swimming. Now, every time I go swimming, all the old ladies ask how my wife is doing. Well, she’s in a coma and she may not pull out. No, they know she hurt her foot. Did you murder her? No. And so this week I had to go and I go, yeah, her foot’s still hurt. And my friend made up a movie where zombies come and kill her because she can’t get away. I just thought it’d be funny. She’s got one of those little knee scooter things. I just thought it’d be funny. The scooter is not good for rough terrain and she just gets bogged down. You’ve got to go downstairs with it. Yeah.Much like RFK, I left her in the dust. See ya! See ya! Cheryl! Cheryl! Can you believe it? No, I do. Every second time or something, they’re all like, how’s your wife doing? I’m like, she’s fine. She’s fine. She’s fine. yeah oh yeah it’s all yeah i’m just like i don’t think that the i don’t think that, you know, that situation were reversed. Yeah. That this would be happening oh uh were you married? Yeah. No, there would be nothing to be like, thank god you got rid of that lump. Where’s that ugly woman with the glasses that comes with you all the time? That swims topless all the time. That swims topless, that’s right. No, it’s my husband, Sparky. With the areola sticking out. Yeah, I don’t think that… Is that a friend of Peter Ustinov that comes here every once in a while? Yeah.I don’t think that these two things would be the same. I think there’d be a lot of, you know, oh, really? Oh, I never knew. Really? Here? They came here? To this place? I don’t think so. There’s a card. I remember. Honestly. They bring cards in with money, like, give this to your wife. Flowers, yeah. Flowers. I hope she’s okay. Here’s a cupcake. Don’t eat it, you fat fuck. Here’s a Bible. I hope she’s okay. No, that happens to me constantly. I’m like, yeah, she’s fine. When’s she going to come back? I don’t know. The doctor hasn’t said yet. Your wife hasn’t told them all to fuck off? That’s unusual. That may be a little worse than getting eaten by zombies. You old witch! Fuck off!Hey, truth hurts alright truth hurts alright so what so what oh my goodness. So, yeah, so I’ve been enduring that, so that’s, you know your wife’s an angel, I’m sure. Yeah, she’s an angel the only thing harder than being a saint is living with a saint, you know, so. Who said that? I read that on a bathroom floor I’ve read that in a Playboy comic. I was, yeah. I was in Cracker Barrel. It was written on the shitter. I believe that. So, Miles, what’s going on with you tonight? Well, I was swimming with all these old women. Yeah. I, you know. I haven’t even hit 60 yet. I’m already like a complete cripple. I’ve become this crippled up. I hate to tell you, this has been like over a decade or more, to be honest with you. Yeah, I’m turning into fucking Gollum or something. I’m just hideous looking. Oh, no, it’s come full force. Yeah, I mean, does that really? Well, I mean, you were doing pretty good when I saw you on your birthday. Of course, that was the day before. Yeah, I was almost died. Yeah.um it was a day before the mess. And, uh, I go, I’m getting, well, I know i’m getting old for a lot of reasons, but i’ve been obsessing over, like, mowing my yard. Like, I really need to mow this. I have to mow it what what is have you had have you hit your head lately? No, well, yeah, I have, actually, but, um. You have, I mean, you’re, like, two steps below me on the yard situation. That’s for certain. Well, no, okay, I never really raked my yard, so I thought, well, I’m just going to grind up these leaves, you know. Yeah, there you go. I don’t blow into the neighbor’s yard. Fuck them, you know. Exactly. So I go, okay, and I have, like, these two really old mowers, and I cannot get them going, and I’m just at the point of, like, fuck it. I’m just going to buy a cheap mower. I’m going out and buying a cheap mower. Fuck it. Why don’t you get one of those electric mowers with a cord? Oh, yeah.I didn’t do it. I’m a man. I want to gas. I got to have gas. Those are cheap. I don’t have a cord, but you could… I see some lady every weekend doing hers, the cord, and it just looks so weird. I don’t know. It just seems weird. I associate big cords with women. Yeah, I see it. Yeah, Alexa, I’d record, all right? She’s been doing it for several years. Yeah. Nothing more feminine than dragging a big old cord around. Nothing more sexual, I think, than a woman with a big… Anyway. So I go around to the big box stores, and all these things are like, you know, you’re almost like $400. You should take this back, because you should get the cord. I’m telling you right now, you’ll be much better with the cord. It’s too late. Take it back.No, listen, no, there’s more to it. I went to like three box stores and you know, you’re almost like into like a 400 commitment, you know well mowers aren’t what they used to be. And so i see a mower and at this point i’m so desperate. It seems to be the cheapest one. And it’s comes from a country that some people probably wouldn’t like. I won’t mention what it was but um okay so You have to kind of like… I didn’t know they made MOAs in the UK. Yeah, Morocco. I know people hate Morocco. Okay. And… I’ll scan this code and it’ll show you how to put it together. Because you’ve got to put it together. I’m like, okay. You have to put the handle on. That’s about it, isn’t it? No, wheels and handle, fuckers. Oh, well…Yeah. And, uh, next thing I, must have had some weird dejected look the next thing i know, like some short little lady that works like, Hey, Hey, you want one of those? I got one on the skid right now. I’ll go get it for you. Really? I’m like, maybe this is a sign. I go, okay. Yeah. Okay. I go, this is pretty easy. I’ll have this together in like maybe five minutes tops. Yeah. Not you. Basically, you’re gonna have to screw in, like, four wheels, adjust it, put the handle, the two pieces of handle together, and, you know. Put your safety uh you know, stop the mower safety device on there, yeah. Oh, that was already on there. Oh, okay. So I go, okay, well, all right. I guess, you know i’m like i’m gonna need some help now loading this up. You know, I’m not the young boy i used to be. Okay.talking to this old little tiny lady. Yeah. Don’t you worry about it honey we’re gonna get y’all fed up. Don’t you worry. Don’t you worry 200 pounds right over my head. Can you believe it? You pulled up into the, go in the pull-up yard there and we’ll get it all set where y’all said, you know, Jeff row out there he’s gonna do it. All right. All right. all right I’m not even pulled up. The guy literally stops me right in the middle of the parking lot. Stop, stop, stop. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s going on? He goes, just do right here. Just do right here. Okay. Pop, pop the latch. Let’s go. Let’s go. All right, all right. Jesus Christ. Yeah, all right. What happened to the nice redneck woman? I want her. Right here in the middle of the thoroughfare. I mean, literally two seconds he’s got this thing in my car. I’m like,Jesus, Hulk. You must be an old pussy or something. I know. I’m an old puss, though. I couldn’t lift up. Oh, my God. She wasn’t electric. She had the cord. I know. All right. You know what? Stick the electric up your ass, okay? With your head washed. Yeah. I got the gas. I’m a man. Okay, man. That’s why you have two mowers that don’t work because you’re such a man. I didn’t learn anything about maintenance. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m like, fuck it. Just watch a YouTube video. You can do it. They wouldn’t start. I’m like, fuck them. I’m not keeping them. Did you see what my garage looks like? I sent you a picture of it, right? Yes, it’s full of shit. It’s full of dreams and lost hopes.add two broken lawnmowers. Like, fuck it. I put it out for the junkers. They can enjoy themselves and play with these lawnmowers. Stick them up their ass. I don’t care perfectly good lawnmower this man’s throwing away. Hey, are you sure you won’t give this away? He must not. This guy doesn’t got a penis if he’s throwing out this lawnmower. I’m telling you. You know, my neighborhood. Do you want some meth with this like no no no you too as though i trade you a small rock. Yeah, thank you. So I opened the hatch. I get it out to the driveway. You can’t get it out of the car, can you? I dropped it out of the hatch. I just let it fall. Oh, God. It’s packed in. It won’t get hurt. Fuck it. It made it all the way here from Morocco, for Christ’s sake. It’s going to be fine. It’ll be all right. So I have to go in, get a knife. I’ve got to cut this thing apart. I’ve got to get the box open. And about this time, the sun has come out full force.full force. Yeah, too much sun i’m like already like, you know, like a foreign church wedding i’m like jesus is like i’m getting it out. I’m in directions, you know. You put a hat on or anything yeah no i wish i would have i would i would have done it naked. I was getting so hot i’m like freaking hot. I’m so hot. You don’t believe it. That lady over there is putting a lawnmower together naked. Look at that sydney Sweeney. Look at them tits and uh you know i’m doing it and like oh this isn’t so bad you know then halfway through, I realized I put on a couple things backwards, and i go, uh, damn it. And right about this time, I feel, like, eyes upon me, and i look, and it’s mr mr miyagi my neighbor yeahAnd this is not racist. This is not racist, okay? This is just the way it is. This is just the way he talks. He talks like that. Oh, my gosh. And he’s watching me, not saying a word, just watching me with, like, this crazy smile. He’s like, this is the shit show. This is better than the… He stopped pruning his garden and reading his Bible. He took a break from it just to watch me. His wife said something. I don’t know what they said because I don’t know their language. I’m like, shit, I don’t know what they’re… I go, man, I hope there wasn’t anything funny. How about that Polish boy? Please help me. Fat, sweaty Polish boy over there. That mower from Morocco, help him out, please. I go, man, it’s hot. Hot, huh?he’s just, like, smiling. I don’t know. Like, man, all right, all right, man. You know, Jack Torrance, quit smiling at me and uh i get the thing going, finally. And then he, like, turns away. Then he’s lost interest. Like, okay. Right, yeah. You actually, did you actually get it to start? Yeah, I started right away once i got everything undone. Yeah, I’m like. Oh, fuck. I remember to put the oil in and all that. I did buy oil. Yes. The redneck lady. You don’t need some SW 40 or 30 or 30 weight. 30. I don’t know. Okay. Just checking. No, she had redneck lady would not let me leave without oil. You don’t need some oil. Yeah. Let’s just pay her to mow your lawn. I mean, I wish, you know, one of those fast, you know, moving the hardware store people like, yeah.I’m like the opposite of those people. I’m the exact opposite. I’m like Snuffleupagus, you know. That’s why I would never work there because I’m like Snuffleupagus walking around the aisles. Oddly enough, you’re that way at all your jobs. Pretty much, yeah. Like imaginary, the imaginary worker. Yes, I’ve been let go of a factory once because I’m sure I was way too slow. I’m sure. So, yeah, I got it to go. I mulched up the leaves because I’m not picking them up. I’m like, fuck it. I’m just not picking up leaves. You know? Yeah. What’s the name of this mower? What’s the brand name of this mower? Do you have an idea? Crescent Moon? It’s called Crescent Moon, I think, or something. It’s called Turkish Delight. Turkish Delight.No, actually, this was not made in Morocco. It was made in the Nam, actually. Oh, the Nam, really? Okay. I didn’t know they made it. I didn’t either. I’m like, well, I go, you know what? Let’s let bygones be bygones, okay? I know some people ain’t going to be down with this, but I’m just going to let bygones be bygones. I can mail in for a free Agent Orange canister. Right, yeah. Please donate to children with one limb. Okay. But, uh, yeah, so i got the job done. I was very happy about it how long how long did that all take you there? How long? You know, someone in a factory, for what i did, probably less than five minutes would have had that complete job done me i don’t even know. It probably was close to an hour. I don’t even know. Wow. I don’t even know. I don’t even know how long the mower together was an hour? I don’t know. I was so hot sweaty i mean idrank like two giant things of iced tea when I came in. I’m like, honey, I need a drink. You know, you shouldn’t be doing that. I mean, you got health problems. I know I have health problems. I know. You should have took a break in between. I know. You’re going to be like a… freaking earthworm out in the sun after the rain. I got Miyagi watching me. Yeah, he’s not watching while you’re not doing something entertaining like trying to put something together. I mean, this guy’s probably about 20 years older than me and has had a stroke and is probably in better health than I am. Yeah, he’s much better physically than I am. Getting ready to do a marathon or something. I mean, if we were to wrestle right now, I would have no doubt that he would whip my ass. Yeah. Yeah. I would have no doubt about that. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I don’t just him watching me. It was like judging me. I knew he was judging me. You know, he’s like, I know you’re getting rid of these other two mowers or no, I would have put them up by the road. I’m like, fuck. Oh, okay. Goodbye. Motherfuckers. Boom. Yeah. Right. Once in a while.So, yeah. So, thank you, Redneck Lady. I’m sorry. Well, come on. Your neighbor speaks limited English. He’s looking at your project that you’re working on. He has no comment whatsoever. He’s just looking at you, this crazed look. Well, he probably didn’t think you could do it, or he was waiting for you to chop off some limbs. Well, yeah. Did you have to put the flap on the back where you can’t stick your foot in the back of the mower or anything? No, I was already on there. Oh, okay. It was all assembled. Like literally you had to screw on four wheels, uh, put in like these little fake, like, uh, hubcaps on the thing. I don’t know why you have, uh, literally, uh, you know, put together the handle, put the handle on the machine and then put the two pieces of the handle together.Put a little thing, a little eye thing for the cord, you know. Right, yeah. I mean, really. I mean, it’s got maybe six steps tops to it. And it took you an hour? I don’t even know. I lost track of time. I didn’t even know. That was delirious. Like the Bataan Death March or something. I looked up and the sun was beating down. I’m like, you’re not going to get me, son. And I said, I’ll build you a bridge, Mr. Miyagi. I’ll build you a bridge. all right come on now oh my goodness but you got it done okay i got it done i manned up but i did it nobody’s gonna get any of these references at all. I know, Miles wax off a lot so what what are you gonna do different with this mower uh well it’s in the garage right now and uh you know you made room for it. Yes, well, I got one of those crappy ones out in my yard i’m like fuck it i’ll sleep okay okay you justYou made room by taking the old one out and it slotted right in. I’m afraid of the city at this point because, like, they’ve come down on me twice now about my yard. Oh, there is the underlying rub. You’ve been fined. No, I was not fined. I was, okay, once. I don’t want to go. It’s a weird thing. Twice. I’ve got, no, three times. I’ve got maybe three separate letters from the city. That they’re not digging my whole MO, you know. Right, yeah. You’re going to have to cut that sooner or later, son, or we’re going to cut it for you. I know. I thought with all them leaves, someone’s going to have a shit fit. You need to be like me and move outside of the city so you don’t have any of that. Yeah, yeah. Although I do mow my grass with some regularity, so…uh i bet you do well i don’t think we’d ever have any you know i don’t think i’d ever get a letter Sorry. Oh, my goodness. Well, you know what? I’m going to say I’m proud of you. Really? Yeah, because normally you would just blame it on the other mowers and not do anything. And so at least this time you went and done something. Thank you. Yes, I did it. This is definitely not the norm for you. I bought the best Vietnamese mower that you can. And I, you know what? It’s called the Tiger King. I’m going to let bygones be bygones, you know, and whatever, man. Are you going to go mow Mr. Miyagi’s yard for him now you got a new mower? That guy mows like every three days, man. What the fuck? Well, you got to get him on the off day. Yeah, he kicks my ass. Well, I’m proud of you, son.Good job. You got the wheels on. It only took you six, 10 times longer than the average person, but I’m sure a guy like you would have had that together in 10 minutes or less, but you know, given your, you know, cognitive skills and lack of coordination, this is a win. Yeah. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/04/28/mowing-last/” title=”Bad Movies” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/04/28/mowing-last/” ——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-
