Static Radio

Author: Bob LeMent

The strange and humorous happenings in the lives of two US Midwesterners.
Be a guest on this podcast

Language: en-us

Genres: Comedy, Relationships, Society & Culture

Contact email: Get it

Feed URL: Get it

iTunes ID: Get it

Get all podcast data

Listen Now...

Back Crackers
Episode 38
Monday, 14 September, 2026

Bob meets his friends for lunch and gets the worst lunch pitch ever, while Miles has a very non-conversational chiropractor visit. GAMES, like old-school games, play a few with the Static Radio twist here – https://www.staticradio.com/category/games/ Subscribe Random Show Click Below https://youtube.com/live/CPj_fLbu5xo Bob meets his friends for lunch and gets the worst lunch pitch ever, while Miles has a very non-conversational chiropractor visit. Back Crackers Bad AI Transcript Like a measuring cup? Mm-hmm. Are you measuring what you’re eating, or is it just convenient? I just like to measure it. I’m measuring things. Mm-hmm. I’m sorry. organizations. Go ahead, Jones. Blow it back to God. Hey everyone, this is Miles. I thought maybe you’d sing the Honeycomb song again. No. Oh, okay. I’m going to have a little bit of cereal tonight. Yeah, I was… What was your dinner? What did you have for dinner? Chicken strips. I had some chicken strips. You created a monster, Chick-fil-A. Oh, my God. This guy, I swear to God, he spends like half his paycheck on fast food these days. I’ll just have to get some of that homemade lemonade as well. Yeah. And a cookie for $1.50. Didn’t you used to eat out quite a bit? I still do from time to time, but yeah. But there’s another issue where I have to travel, and so I’m forced to eat out. I can’t take a kitchen with me. Really? I just can have protein shakes, I guess. I could just take a bunch of Slim Fast or…under your chins. Oh my gosh. You shouldn’t really be eating this late, honestly. I like to do things that you disapprove of. Well, you’re doing a good job. See, like, I don’t work for you. Like, these stupid people have to work under you all the time. They have to kiss your ass. Like, yes, Mr. Lamont. I mean, I’m like, fuck, you don’t own me, dude. You know, fuck it. If I want to eat at 930 some super sugar crisps, I will. At 930, MFR. And if you don’t like it. Whatever I want. I shop after 7 p.m., which you don’t like. You can do that. It’s like, why? Why are you doing this to yourself? I enjoy it. I like to go shopping. I think of funny stuff. When I drive around by myself, I think of funny stuff. Well, that’s good. Yeah, it’s like creative for me. Well, that’s fantastic.I can appreciate that. I mean, it’s not really funny, but I mean, you know, I think it’s funny. I’m laughing at the grocery store. Yeah. That’s me. Buy some sugar smacks. I pulled a muscle laughing in the grocery store. That’s right. Like that schnooks. I pulled a muscle in the dairy aisle. Ha ha ha! All these cheese jokes came into my mind. You see, you see. Jello pudding. Oh, my Lord. Yeah. I’m just. Hey, you know, I was going to tell you here. You are, you know, a trendsetter. I’ve been told. Go on. Who told you that? My mom. Oh, okay. Yeah. Those tough skins are going to make you a trendsetter at school. Really? You don’t need Levi’s. You need Cavaricci. Tough skins. No, I went to lunch with some friends of mine. Oh, this guy with the lunch in front. Geez. I love to go to lunch with friends.This is so… I’m just jealous I have no friends. That’s why I’m so jealous. You’re not going to go to lunch with friends. I think I’ll invite my invisible friends and they won’t even go. I’m like, God damn it. So, Hefe met me for lunch and another friend, Erk. And the funny thing is we all came from different directions. So, we met in the middle because Hefe lives close to me, but Erk doesn’t. And So he came south, I came north, and then Jefe was screwing around out west, and so then he came east. And we all met for a lunch in a little town. Mm-hmm. Ferguson? What’s that? Ferguson? No. Ferguson? No, it wasn’t Ferguson. No, it wasn’t Ferguson. Go ahead. Go ahead. Not Ferguson, no. I mean, a little, you know, like farmer town kind of place. Oh, I see. And a bump in the road, as it were.But it was on Labor Day. Oh, fancy. And so we’re like, let’s go to the cafe. And it was closed. And then let’s go to the pizza place. It was closed. So we’re in this little town trying to find some place that’s open on Labor Day. It was kind of a tough thing. But while… We were waiting for Hefe because he’s kind of late. We were at the pizza place waiting for him. And this guy comes walking. We were just sitting outside. They were closed. And they have a bench outside. So we sat down on the bench and we’re just chatting, waiting for Hefe to show up. And… This guy from over at a body shop or something, some kind of mechanic thing, right? He’s wearing the shirt with his name on it, and he’s all dirty looking. He’s obviously a very hardworking man compared to myself. Yeah. Who’s just sitting on this bench wishing that pizza was open. Yeah.around lunchtime. Uh, Hefe is, uh, violating one of your rules of being late. Oh, Hefe is always late. I don’t know what it is about me and my friends who are always late. You, you have like certain strong likes and dislikes. I’m just telling the audience this, whoever might be listening, but, uh, this is one of them you you have to be you have to be early 10 minutes early. If you’re going to meet this nitwit, make it 10 minutes early. We continue on. Hefe’s always late. It’s only gotten worse since he’s semi-retired. He’s out of the game, man. He’s like, I don’t care. I want to show up whenever I want to. He’s kind of like that before. We’re sitting there and this guy from the…I don’t know, auto place over there. It crosses the street. Wow. He’s making a beeline for us, and I’m sitting there, and I’m like, I wonder what’s going to happen now. Are you the male prostitutes I ordered? Yeah. I don’t know if that was the case. Are you Irk and Bob? Yeah, a little small town kind of thing. And Hefe drives in at the same time. And it was, you know, kind of like everybody was meeting, you know, all meeting out in the desert or something. And… Yeah. It’s like the good and bad and the ugly at the end. Exactly. Blondie. Hey, Blondie. Blondie, Blondie. Shoot, shoot. So Hefe’s… pulling in this guy’s crossing the street. Me and eric are sitting there chatting and i’m kind of keeping an eye on this guy, you know, trying to figure out what the hell’s gonna happen yeah like are we in his favorite spot or something? Is it break time? Is it smoking time? I don’t know what’s going on. Bob does like strangers either. Oh no. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I had, yeah, I’m, you know,I’m the situation I’m sizing up the situation, deciding what needs to happen. Your bingo card is filling up quickly. I can tell on this adventure. And so, uh, so he gets over clay. He doesn’t come too close. Thank goodness. He, he did, uh, you know, I live my life like a celebrity. You can’t come within certain amount of feet from me. Right. Yes. This is true. This is all 100% true. I like to have a good distance between me and the regular folk. This is true. Even though I’m not a celebrity per se, I do like to live my life as if I am one. And you should know not to look at me, not to talk to me. Correct. And be more than two arms length away from me at all times. No hugging. No hugging. Yeah. No kissing. Yeah.none of that stuff. So he does keep a good distance and he stops. He’s like, Hey, guys, did you know that the pizza place was closed? Newsflash? Yeah, newsflash. And I’m like, Yeah, pretty, we’re aware of that. And he’s like, Oh, I wasn’t sure if you thought maybe somebody was coming to open it up. And I’m like, No, they got a sign. And I go, we’re just waiting on our friend. And at the time he just pulled in and he was getting out of his truck, walking towards us. I go, we’re just waiting for a friend here. And he’s like, well, this was like the most awkward sales pitch I’ve ever been heard. Sounds like a Rolling Stones song. So he’s like, well, he kind of looks around and,I don’t know what’s going to happen. My wife, and again, not sure where this is going, has opened this bowl place downtown. I’m like, bowl place? I didn’t say anything, but I’m like, what is a bowl place? Like a haircut? No, like you get a bowl and you put some rice and some chicken in it. Oh, he’s the… Uh, hype man for the, yeah well, he was the most awkward hype man i’ve ever seen. This is closed. You go downtown. Well, I’ve got a bowl shop. Like having goober pile. Tell me about a bowl shop surprise surprise surprise that’s gomer i’m talking about Cooper. Oh, sorry. I don’t know what i go ahead. That’s that predates me. I don’t know. I’m like, huh? He’s kind of kicking the dirt and looking around. Yes, you got it.Hands in his pockets. Shucks. Shucks. You got it. hype man. And I’m like, huh? You know, I’m still trying to figure this out. Yeah. Yeah, the bowl you know. And then, you know, Jefe walks up and he does, Jefe dismisses everybody. Yeah. He’s like, looking at the guy like, what the hell is he talking about you know I mean, yeah. Hefe does not care about anybody in the vicinity most of the time. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And so, so yeah. And the guy’s like, go on. She’s open up now. And I’m like, and Eric is just, I don’t think anything. He’s just like looking at him and I’m like, And out of the three of us, to be honest with you, Erk is the most worldly person. He’s been all over the world because he was in the military, so he made him go all over the world. And it was a little forced world tour he had to go on there. I think he’s probably got sealed carry, so he’s not the least bit scared. He’s like, mm-hmm.Well, yeah, that’s yeah. No, I, I bet. No, I bet you right now. The two of the three people probably had uh weapons within reach yeah and i’m not one of them. So yeah, I don’t want to see a weapon yeah so yeah they they had no, uh, qualms about whatever was going to happen was going to happen. You know, let me guess where you didn’t eat. Volarama. Volarama. Yeah. I’m like, oh, for some reason I become the spokesperson. Yeah. Because, I mean, you know, Hefe is almost ignoring him and Eric is kind of just giving him the side eye and, you know, waiting if there’s going to be any kind of move or anything. And then I’m like, well, thank you. I’m like, that’s very nice. I go, we were…thinking about eating here but you know we’re waiting on him and so we’re gonna make a decision but uh we’ll we’ll we’ll consider it okay And then he moseys on back over to the auto body place or whatever it was over there. And then we look at each other and we’re like, well, what do you want to do? Don’t forget. So then Hefe’s like, wait a minute. My wife ate at this place. I can’t remember the name of it. And so then he’s on his phone. He’s like, you know, Cindy Lou, what’s the name of that place that we ate at? Has breakfast all day. Hell if I know, Heffy. Oh, jeez. She didn’t know she was on speakerphone. It was hilarious. I’m like… I’m like, it’s not… It’s not like my wife. She’s just cussing and cussing. It was just funny. What the fuck are you calling me for? What are you calling me for? God damn. I thought you were going to lunch. Leave me alone. I’m taking a crap. Yeah. It’s just like…So anyway, we ended up at the Steak and Shake because it was the only place that was open. Typically, we go to these little weird places. Well, there you go. That was your end right there. It seems like you missed it. Well, I’ll tell you, Miles. I’m not in the market to eat leftovers sometimes. Yeah. Anything that’s in a bowl. I don’t care what the F it is. Yeah. Is leftovers to me. Yeah. It’s like, let’s just take everything we didn’t sell yesterday and offer it in a bowl. Everyone’s been finger blessing the food. You know, you’re like, yeah, no, I need something freshly prepared. Like a good steak and shake hamburger. Mm-hmm. I mean, I don’t care if every one of those people just got out of prison and is working there. That’s fine with me. Yeah.I’m not eating no bowl. I’m like, the bowl to me is like… I can’t eat any of that kind of stuff. Yeah, right. Let’s go to the Steak and Shake. Yeah, so we ended up at the Steak and Shake. It was fine. We always go to these weird little places. Usually they have like four or five tables. That’s the whole place. It’s happy and Steak and Shake like… Hey, man, where’s that breakfast 24-hour place? You want a breakfast? Yeah. But I passed a couple other places. I get there, and I’m like, we’re walking in because we were all separate, right? And so we’re walking in, and I’m like, hey, I just passed a Mexican place and a sports bar down there. Oh, fuck that. That Mexican place is shit. Oh, what?Hefe, he’s like, he ate there one time. It was horrible. Oh, my God. I go, what about the sports bar? Don’t know. Okay. Let me call my wife. Yeah, let me dial her up. What are you doing? Deborah. Yeah, that’s right. What do you know about me? Let’s check the Google. We had a great lunch, though. I really, you know. Yeah. But I didn’t even get to the part where you were a trendsetter yet. Yeah. But wait, there’s more. So Eric is telling me, he’s like, Hey, if you guys, there’s this place in McLean that has all these video games and pinball machines. And I’m like, yeah, me and miles went there. He’s like, no way. He’s like, yeah. So anyway, that’s where you’re a trendsetter. You’ve already been. Wow, man. I would,outdid your boss Yeah. Cool. I got, there’s no place to eat. Yeah, that sucks yeah we had like the sweatiest subway I’ve ever been in my life. Yeah. The greasy pig or something. Yeah. It was, oh my God. It was like, it was like we walked into the jungle to get our sandwich. Yeah. Axel Rose, I think was serving us. Yeah. Yeah. When you’re high, you never, ever want to come down. So anyway, I had a good lunch on Labor Day with my friends. Yay! My lifetime friends almost there. I’ve known both of them for, gosh, since we were, before we were, you know, like almost prepubescent. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what’s going on with you? Well, I didn’t have no cool adventure like you, apparently. I love to go on these little… I wish you lived a little closer. I would meet you for lunch, but it’s hard to drive four hours for lunch. I know. I’m sure your wife after a while would be like, you know, you two really got to cool it. Yeah, no kidding. You’re going broke, Bob. We did…Tri-State Ghost Patrol one time. We ate lunch together, remember? Yeah, that was good food. Mexican restaurant. That was a good Mexican restaurant. It was, actually. I love Mexican food. I know. I had it twice last week. It was good. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned I was going to the chiropractor. I’d switched to this really upscale, big place that seems to… It’s so big, it actually has multiple chiropractors in there. Backcrackers, Inc. Come on, Cracker. Come on, Dr. Back. And I’ve been working with my guy, my touchy-feely guy. At first, I thought it was a little weird, but then I’ve grown accustomed to it. He keeps singing Righteous Brothers songs. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You’re slapping me on the ass with a towel and stuff. He’s like, man, rubbing me down. I’m like, oh, you know, it was a little weird at first, but now, you know. You know, I got all the leftover baby oil that Diddy didn’t use before he went down. Yeah. And I had been given like a schedule sheet because I go in there like twice a week and I’ve been going there. Christ. Well, they want to get me right. You know, I mean, you know,Kind of a train wreck. Got you right over a barrel. Jesus. I’m a train wreck. You know, I’m just a fricking train wreck. You’re like dumpy Christ. Well, pretty much. Yeah. And I saw there was one week where I was not going to be working with my guy, you know, you know, like a week, you know, four, you’ll be working with, uh, Laura or something. They’re like, Oh, Hmm. Well, okay. Well, I always go at the same time and i noticed like they had screwed up. They had like changed the, uh, days and i just i glanced at him like okay so i went home, excuse me. because so usually going around nine o’clock about 8 20, I get this phone call from the place. Uh, Mr. Title. Yeah. ah this is, you know so and so fromSo-and-so? Yeah. You were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago. What? What? I’m looking for this piece of paper. What happened? I’m trying to prove her wrong. You lying son of a… Oh, damn it. I’m looking at my calendar here, my desktop calendar, and I haven’t got you written in. Yeah, I’m very non-electronic. Everything’s on paper. And I go, I’ll be there in like five minutes. So… i get there. And so i’m thinking i’m working with some lady, right? No, they give me like some some dude probably mid-30s ish late 30s i don’t know it doesn’t matter but you know younger guy it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter other than he was so good looking ah yeah you’re gonna work with uh chuck here you know i’m like oh okayThis is a, we’re hazing Chuck today. So you get miles. You got the short straw. Cause I’m like waiting for this lady, you know, like, Oh no, I’m gonna get this dude. I’m like, okay. And, uh, you’re right. He does feel like spam. Oh, you touch his belly button. He goes, and this guy is down to business. Let’s get down to business. Yeah. I mean, he wasn’t rude, but i could tell like, oh, okay. We’re not gonna have a good time here you know let’s get this over with jesus yeah let’s just let’s just get i’m disgusted already, man. Let’s just, you know, get you prone here and, uh, I’ll get behind you and do my good thing. And, you know like okay very very yeah just like i’m thinking i really should have listened to my mother and gone into accounting. Yeah. Don’t fool it. Right. Future’s plastics.And, um, I realized soon that this guy is not touchy feely guy. Yeah. You like him better or no? No. Oh, okay. You’re very down to business. Very down. You know, I’m trying to, you know, tell a joke. I was like, he’s politely laughing. I told him how I almost died on my birthday. And he’s like, Oh yeah. Yeah. I know how people must feel when they talk to you in person. That’s probably like, mm-hmm. That’s a riveting story, Mr. Title. Riveting. Bowls, you say? A bowl? He’s like, well, we’re going to go over to this other place here now. I’ve got some stuff over here. I’ve got the taffy-pulling machine to put you in. Yeah, Wonka takes me up. He’s like, come here, come here. And, uh…There was an older woman there. Violet, you’re turning violet. There was an older woman doing some exercises or something. They had made her do some exercises and stuff. It was kind of funny because she kind of looked like a drunken sailor walking around. They had her doing some tippy-toe thing. Poor woman. I’ve got balance issues. So I’m following this guy to this other place, and I’m in the middle of one of my riveting stories, which I love to tell. And literally halfway through my story, he’s like, hey, Bernice, you look funny. That’s off my story, just right in mid-story. Cut it off. It must not have been so riveting, I guess. Yes, and he did not come like, oh, I’m sorry to interrupt. It was like, no, let’s just…Oh, you’re talking? I’m sorry. Yeah, so he’s like, well, listen, we don’t have much time, so let’s just get this done. Shut the yap there. Yeah, I got the feeling. King Kong Bundy, shut the yap. Let me get to work. Yeah, I overstayed my welcome. I can tell that already because he’s like, hey, it’s like going to a shrink. Our time is up, all right? It’s time to leave. Whenever I squeeze him, I don’t know what’s going on. Yeah, there’s no hope. There’s no hope for this guy. You’re full of pancake batter. I’m not going to get no rub down with the lotion like I like. The patting and the squeezing that I get and the encouragement from the touchy-feely guy. Do you have your shirt off and everything? No, I was clothed to some degree. Where’s the nakedness at? Where are you naked at? No, I’m not naked.I’m like, what’s exposed that he’s rubbing on? No, there’s nothing exposed. No, I think he rubs through the clothes. He doesn’t. Well, no, he’ll like, you know, lift up your shirt a little. No, he goes, you know, like second base and stuff. It goes, you know, like up at the shirt stuff. But yeah, it’s the second base of my. But not third, not third. You got to think those guys get to second base every day. Jealous. I was just wondering because I think you’re kind of a hairy person. Oh, yeah. Yeah, believe me. Well, in parts of me, I am. Well, okay. As hairy as you might think anymore. Oh, okay. Well, I got rubbed off. It’s all in my back now. Twice a week, for Christ’s sake. They’re practically plunking you.It’s pretty much, you know, on my back is all I have, you know. Well, I knew you, yeah, you talked about your back. I’ve not, well, let me take that back. I have seen, you know, not that I wanted to, but you bent down to get something and exposed your, you know, back and your crack. And you looked, didn’t you? I mean, that’s like something. You go to the Great Wall of China and you’re like, oh, you saw it, didn’t you? Yeah, I saw it. It’s fucking everywhere. It’s the Grand Canyon, for Christ’s sakes. Look at it. So you’re fairly hairy. I can’t imagine this guy really wants to rub that. You know what I mean? He gets paid to do it, you know? Not enough.he’s always coming back for more but yeah that’s no wonder they got you on two a week they’re like the once a week is we’re just not gonna cut it. We got at least two a week, more make it our worth our while yeah the the other guy was just like you. Like, listen, we’re out of time, so if you want to get dressed or you know put on your shoes and take your time, I don’t care i’m i’m leaving the room i’m gonna go see bernice bernice I’m going to put my finger down my throat and then go talk to that nice old lady that looks like drunk, like a drunk. And that was it. I’m going to take a Silkwood shower and I’ll be right back. You’re not getting second base. I got news for you. So, yeah. So, yeah. I’m like, I told my wife, I’m like, man, I’m like, what the, I was cheated today. I didn’t leave my tip. I know. Get no tip.No happy ending. What kind of happy ending do you get? No, I’m just kidding. Come on. Yeah, I was going to say. No, I just… guess i don’t understand any of it. This is more awkward than the guy telling me about his wife’s bowl place. Yeah. Well, it’s a little awkward, I guess, to talk about, but i mean, you know, i just You talking about getting yourself rubbed on Yeah. he’s a little bit nauseating, I’ll be honest with you. He is gentle. I’m sure he is. Yeah. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/09/14/back-crackers/” title=”BackCrackers” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/09/14/back-crackers/”