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Static RadioAuthor: Bob LeMent
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Bad Movies
Episode 16
Wednesday, 22 April, 2026
Bob blames Miles for the terrible movies being made for the streaming services, while Miles pitches a film idea where Bob gets killed by zombies and maybe sharks. Subscribe Random show from the last 25+ years Random Post THE LEMENT DELUGE A 90-Minute Action Spectacular CHARACTERS BOB LEMENT (50s): A former combat engineer turned survivalist. SARAH (30s): A local hydrologist trapped at the estate. THE HORDE: A swarm of reanimated corpses. THE PACK: A school of 200+ aggressive bull sharks. ACT I: THE BREACH (0:00 – 30:00) EXT. LEMENT ESTATE – NIGHT The Lement Estate is a fortress of iron and concrete nestled against a massive, government-built flood wall. Rain lashes down. Bob Lement patrols the perimeter. He spots the “Shamblers”—the undead—emerging from the treeline. He engages with a suppressed rifle, thinning the numbers. INT. LEMENT ESTATE – CONTINUOUS Sarah, hiding in the basement monitoring station, screams as a tremor hits. The pressure gauges hit red. SARAH Bob! The wall! The integrity is failing! EXT. FLOOD WALL – MOMENTS LATER Bob races toward the wall as it buckles. The concrete shrieks. With a sound like a thunderclap, the wall shears open. A massive, high-velocity surge of river water pours through, sweeping the incoming zombies away instantly. But as the water clears, the real terror emerges. Dark, muscular shapes launch themselves through the breach. Bulls. Dozens of them, surfing the floodwater toward the house. ACT II: THE FEEDING FRENZY (30:00 – 75:00) EXT. THE SUBMERGED YARD – CONTINUOUS The house is now an island in a raging, man-made river. The zombies that survived the impact are trying to wade toward the porch. A Bull Shark breaches the surface, its massive jaws snapping a zombie in half at the waist. The water turns into a chaotic churn of grey flesh and rotting limbs. INT. SECOND FLOOR – CONTINUOUS Bob and Sarah watch from the balcony. BOB They’re not just eating the dead, Sarah. They’re patrolling. SARAH They’re trapped in the estate grounds because of the sediment berms! They’re hungry and they’re confined! ACTION SEQUENCE: Bob and Sarah must move from the house to the reinforced workshop (a detached structure) to activate the emergency pumps. To get there, they have to navigate a catwalk above the water. Sharks jump, snapping at their boots. Zombies grab at the catwalk supports. Bob uses a high-powered spear gun—designed for shark defense—to pin sharks to the mud while Sarah uses a flare gun to ignite floating debris, creating a “fire moat” to deter the predators. ACT III: THE FINAL FLOOD (75:00 – 90:00) EXT. THE WORKSHOP – NIGHT They reach the workshop, soaked and exhausted. The water is rising. BOB If I open the secondary sluice gates, we can draw the water and the predators out into the low-lying basin. But I need someone to manually crank the intake valve inside the tunnel. SARAH That’s underwater, Bob! BOB (A grim smile) I’m a combat engineer. I’ll make it breathe. Bob dons a makeshift rebreather. He dives into the churning, shark-infested hell. Underwater, the scene is visceral: a strobe-light effect of lightning illuminating sharks circling, teeth flashing. Bob reaches the valve. A massive Bull Shark, scarred and blind in one eye, charges. Bob uses his diving knife, driving it into the shark’s gill slit. He turns the valve. THE CLIMAX The suction is immense. The water—and the sharks—are dragged violently through the drainage tunnels. The zombies are swept away in the wake. The water recedes, leaving the estate a graveyard of shark teeth and shredded remains. EXT. LEMENT ESTATE – DAWN Bob crawls back onto the porch. Sarah pulls him up. They look out at the landscape, now quiet. BOB Think that’s the end of it? SARAH (Looking at the dark water) Nature has a long memory, Bob. FADE TO BLACK. https://youtube.com/live/gAB0ndR8_8Q Bob blames Miles for the terrible movies being made for the streaming services, while Miles pitches a film idea where Bob gets killed by zombies and maybe sharks. Bad Movies Bad AI Transcript Don’t what? Don’t tongue touch it. Hey everyone, this is Miles with Static Radio. I think each week you get more and more awkward. You mean in real life or on the show or? Well, yeah, all the way around. All together. Hello, everyone. This is Miles. Hi. Hi. Yes. I’m a noon teen. Yes, I’m Miles. I have candy in my pocket. Yes. Just in case anybody needs a butterscotch disc, I got you covered. Or a hat with three corners. What are you, like a reenactor or something? I’m reenacting. I like this show. You’re on one tonight. Last night, we’re off our usual schedule. Last night, Miles sends me a text early, which I don’t check my text at night. Can you show up and feel a good guy headache? Yeah, I had a headache. Oddly enough, it was only words, text, but I could hear the voice. Can you do a good headache move? Yeah.So we’re off our schedule, but that’s fine. The response was weird, though. It was like, that’s okay, honey. We can do it later. Yeah, I kissed you on the forehead. I know. I’m like, this is getting weird. I’m like, you know what? I’m never going to text him again. This is so uncomfortably weird. I’m like, no, I don’t. I kissed you on the forehead, took your temperature. And not by mouth either. No, I just kissed you on the forehead. Yeah, okay. I’m uncomfortable. It’s okay. It’s okay. I said, Miles, it’s all right. It’s all right. You could be ill with a migraine. My doctor is Christopher Walken, I guess. That’s right. That would be awkward. I have the cure. Do you have one?You take that watch. It’s called gold infusion. Oh. It’s like a suppository. Anyway. Yeah. I’m feeling good. I’m okay. I’ll be all right. You know, I don’t feel good. I just, I don’t know. I got really bad bong bong in my head. It goes bong bong, you know what I mean? I just didn’t have a story. I was like, fuck it. I don’t have no story. Yeah, that’s why I’m going to call in sick. I’m calling in. It’s just like real life. I’m calling in sick. I’m calling in sick. So here we are. I did the best I could, for Christ’s sakes. There we are. Here we are. So I blame you. Yeah. At this point, even though it really wasn’t your fault because this happened before you canceled. Yeah. Well, it happens after you canceled, but before I knew you canceled. Right.So on Sunday night… Yeah. Now, my wife is going to be so mad when she hears me talking about this, but… There’s this new Netflix show, which is like the number two Netflix movie or something called Thrash. Have you seen this? It’s about sharks or something. Yes. It has Academy Award winner Damone… whatever his last name is. I can’t even say it. Uh, he was an Amistad. He’s been in lots of things, right? Very well trained, very good actor in this movie called thrash. Right. In which in North Carolina, I believe it is a, uh, hurricane hits ground and, but, breaks all the levees and bull sharks invade the small town on the coast and start eating people. Okay. Cause they didn’t flee when they were instructed to. And so now they’re stuck, you know, trying to survive the flood. Yeah. And we follow three, we have like three, four main stories, I guess. Right. Yeah.One of them is an abusive foster parent or parents. Yeah. One is the Demones. He’s a shark. By the way, he is a shark researcher. Conveniently. Conveniently, yes. Well, he does have an air about him, so I would buy that. He’s a very believable shark researcher. Okay. He is an Oscar winner, for Christ’s sake. Yeah. And his niece is stuck. She did not leave. And so he’s on his way to see her. And then we have this pregnant woman who works at a meatpacking plant. Yeah. This is important. Okay. Who has been abandoned by her loser boyfriend. And she’s stuck. He used to work at the meatpacking plant as well. I bet. And so now she’s stuck in this little town being the receptionist or something at the meatpacking plant. She’s like fully pregnant. Yeah. Now, the reason the meatpacking plant plays into it is because a tanker full of blood isconveniently gets tipped over and all this blood’s in the water. Yeah. Now, most people, I’m assuming, have never worked at a meatpacking plant. And I know you have. That’s right. I have never seen a tanker A tanker, a tanker truck full of blood. Do you know how much fucking blood that is? Oh, my God. That’s a lot of fucking blood, dude. I have never, ever. No, there was no blood truck. I would have remembered that. Blood truck. Blood truck, sir. Wait, did he say food? Did he say food truck or blood truck? Because I’m hungry. A tanker. A tanker. In the defense of Damone, who again is an Oscar winner, he did a really good job. And I must say that the effects in this movie were quite good. Now, is this a movie or a series? It’s just a movie on Netflix. I’m assuming that Netflix…has shifted solely to the algorithm. And they’re like, what do people, they type it in, you know, what do people want to see? Sharks eating Hicks. Oh, why not? Yeah. Why not? Oh my God. You know, everything was telegraphed. Um, I mean, the effects are good, but, Yeah, it just… Wasn’t there something like this a few years ago, kind of the same idea, kind of, but it was like alligators or something? Yeah, it could have been, yeah. Maybe they just recycled that script. I don’t know. I mean, yeah, okay. So I watched that on Sunday. I’m getting to the part where I blame you. I watched that on Sunday because my wife was like, she loves shark movies, and I go, I looked at it, I read the description, I go, this does notvery good. But it does have an oscar winner in it. And so we watched it, and it was mildly entertaining, but obviously very flawed uh this lady gives birth to a baby, and then she’s surrounded in her own blood oh great god in the in the murky water that uh anyway she’s wait a minute the shark the shark bites through the umbilical cord? no no uh that’d been funny. I think damone or his buddy, his other shark researcher buddy, cut the umbilical cord anyway yeah yeah chris rock am i supposed to do this? No, yes, Chris. Oh, my God. So, anyway, she has a baby in this nasty ocean, you know, fresh ocean water murk. Yeah. And it survives, you know. Yeah. That was, yeah. But, I mean, all in all, it was a fairly tight movie, I’ll be honest with you. Yeah. So, then I watched that, and I’m like, you know, this is the low point for mymovie watching experience for the next month or something. Yeah. So then on, on Monday night, there’s this movie on Amazon called balls up for this. No, I don’t know anything about this. It’s got Mark Wahlberg and the, uh, fat guy from, uh, what was he in? Fluffy. Huh? Is it fluffy? No, no. Walter something. I can’t remember his full name now. He’s got three names anyway. He’s kind of like a thing right now. He’s in all these movies. He’s this kind of fat guy. And so, yeah. And they work for a condom company who is pitching a condom that covers your nuts to the world cup. Because apparently there’s no more, uh, the highest use of condoms at one event is the world cup. And it becomes like a really, really bad Bing Crosby, Bob Hope road movie where they go to the world cup.and cause chaos and get captured by a drug lord and then are hunted down by Brazilians because that’s all that happens in Brazil. And I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but it did. It was really, really bad. You get to watch Mark Wahlberg eat a condom full of balls up, a condom with extra… material to cover your nutsack, full of cocaine in front of Sacha Baron Cohen. Okay. And, I mean, he deep throats this condom, which is very phallic when it’s full of cocaine. Yes. And Paul Walter Hauser, I think, is the guy’s name. They both basically, in an extended scene… are forced to swallow these condoms full of cocaine because Sasha Bear Cohen wants to see if they can be useful to him in his drug smuggling ring. Okay. He doesn’t want a condom that’s going to break in people’s stomach and kill them, right? Right, right. And so, yeah. So now we have to watch Marky Mark and Paul Walter Hauser deep throat thesecondoms full of cocaine because neither one of them can choke it down. It’s like a hilarious kind of thing. If I would have bet money, I would have never bet on two A-list actors deep-throating condoms. If only it had Walton Goggins in it. Yeah. I don’t think Walton got, he probably passed on this. I’m thinking. Him and his pearly whites be like, nah, I ain’t going to do that. Yeah. It was, uh, it was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. So the shark movie rate above it. Yes. The shark movie was better. No kidding. Yeah. And my wife kept, she’s the one who picked it. She goes, She goes, Oh, let’s, let’s watch this one. This funny movie balls up or whatever. And I go, okay, we’ll watch that. And then we’re watching it. And then she’s like, why are we still watching this? And I’m like, I don’t know. You picked it. And she’s like, well, we can turn. I like, no, we’re going to stuff her through it at this point. Oh no. I want to see. I started it. And so now I’m going to go all the way to the end of this stupid ass movie.Okay. These guys had to lose a bet or like they, somebody’s got incriminating pictures of them or i don’t know what’s going on, but this, this movie is not a vehicle that you would want to sign up for willingly. I don’t think you wouldn’t even do it. I don’t, I would, I, how do i figure into this? That’s what i don’t get. How do I, because you canceled last night. And so i was supposed to watch this movie, but i kind of watched it anyway. So, Oh, I’m blaming you because I need to place blame somewhere other than myself. I see. I see. I see. And if I can’t blame, I can’t blame myself. So I have to blame someone. I can’t blame my wife, even though you don’t. Yeah. Yeah. You don’t have this. Yeah. Okay. And I made you watch the shark movie too. Apparently. No, no. The shark movie was solely our own decision. Now that it was better than the balls up.I’ll watch the shark movie three times. Yeah. Way better movie. I’m wearing this suit made out of meat. Holy shit. Lady Gaga comes straight from an awards ceremony. She gets accidentally knocked out of her hovercraft into the water and gets chewed up by bull sharks. Yeah. I might watch that. You have to watch it. It gets even better because it’s like the middle of the movie, Damone is looking at a tracker, and he’s like, oh, here’s the biggest great white in the area is heading to that town. Oh. And the great white does figure… I won’t spoil it, but the great white… Yeah, don’t spoil it. Yeah, you… This one you should watch. The ball’s up. I’ll spoil everything. They eat a condom. They get shot at. They eat a crocodile or an alligator. It’s just one embarrassing… I can’t believe they even did this movie. It’s got to be so embarrassing. It was just… Who told them it was that funny is beyond me. It’s just not funny. It was justMaybe I’m cringy. Maybe on paper it was funny. I dare you to watch that movie and come back here and tell me you liked it. I don’t really want to commit to that. Maybe. I’ll give it a maybe. I’ll give it a maybe. I don’t know. Balls up on Amazon. I don’t want that on my history. I don’t think so. it’s like the number one streaming movie on Amazon. Good for everyone who watched it. I don’t know. It’s crazy. I just, again, another one of these algorithm based movies that they’re making these days where they’re like, what are kids like? Oh, kids like a bunch of cocks in rubber really okay And we can’t show the nuts. Okay, we’ll just say that the condoms covers the nuts. Okay. I don’t know. It was the most bizarre thing. And then I watched the whole fucking thing, and I hate myself for it. You were hoping it would be like Boogie Nights. Like, I hope they show his wiener. No, I knew it was supposed to be a comedy. I thought it could be kind of funny. But it’s almost, I mean, you watch it.And I could literally see where it was supposed to be funny. And it just didn’t meet your high standards. Well, no, it didn’t meet anybody’s standards. I can’t imagine that there’s anybody who’s laughing at this movie. Yeah. I mean, unless you’re like super duper high and not paying attention to the world. Yeah, it could be. This presentation brought to you by… Wahlburgers. That’s right. Wall gummies. Wall gummies. Yeah. No, it was just, oh my God. I mean, I’m just amazed. I’m just like, I was in. You’re a little traumatized by this movie, I think. Holy cow. More so than the shark one. I thought the shark one was going to, no. Yeah. Way worse. Way worse. Oh my God, I’m having my menses. I’m only assuming that Damone got offered both of these and he’s like, I’ll take the fucking shark move. Wait, I gotta do what? I’ll just ride around in a Zodiac and chase down sharks. They get rescued by a helicopter with Tracy Morgan. Yo, yo, yo. That’d be funny. I’m throwing down the ladder. Pick it up.tracy morgan i’ll show my shaft, not my balls. I’d watch your tracy morgan with it. He’s funny. Yeah, well, he’s funny no matter what yeah yeah he’s funny man oh god that’s shock oh my gosh. Oh, God damn it. Stupid stink bug. Anyway, what’s going on with you? It’s in my mouth. Stay back. You know, I get weird ideas sometimes. I was trying on condoms the other day, and I thought, wouldn’t it be great? What if this was full of cocaine? What if it covered my testicles? You have a lot of weird ideas? You know, I don’t… ideas or songs, sometimes movies. I’m very creative, but not in a good way. If I could coin a term, you are lazily creative. Yes, I am. You’ll have the idea, but you won’t do anything with it. I know. I had another one too. I go, based on Bob’s currentliving conditions wouldn’t be funny to do, like, a zombie movie of people attacking your house? Like, zombies and stuff. Why would you What? Why would you oh yeah no because i thought it’d be funny, because, like, your wife’s, you know, kind of wheeling around a little bit. You know, she’s injured. She’s got to try to outrun zombies with one leg you know and you’re you know you you’re kind of melted to your couch. You’re like, I can’t get off You know, they’re like, you know, they’re breaking into your, your compound. You live in, you know, they’re climbing the walls to get to you. And you’re like, no, not the internet, please. Thank God. I put all those broken glass bottles on top of the wall. Yeah. I don’t know. I just, I don’t know why I had this kooky idea. Wouldn’t that be funny? You know, but it’s really actually about your life though, too. How’s, how’s it about my life? Okay. I didn’t want to do this, but okay. There’s a little bit of a fire.myself oh you know yes i’m just saying, okay, I’m not saying i would want that, but i’m just saying, you know, like, it could be, like, kind of based on your life a little bit, you know you know kooky stuff that only, like, inside people know about you you know you’re trying out right happen while the zombies are here yeah right yeah like like you have to flee the house, and you’re like, oh You’re getting your little Ford Fiesta, your family and stuff. Yeah, my Ford Fiesta. Y’all leave and stuff. I don’t know why. I thought that would be such a funny zombie movie. What was I going to call it? Working title? Middle-aged man defeats zombies or something. I don’t know. I don’t know. Middle-aged zombie. Yeah, I don’t think anyone would enjoy this movie, but God, I go, God, that sounds interesting. That already sounds better than Balls Up.Yeah, I don’t know. Because your wife’s laid up. I just thought that’d be funny with her trying to escape the zombies on crutches. She’s falling down. Yeah. Oh, geez. That’s funny. You get punched in the nuts again. Oh, my God. All right. Well, I don’t know. I wasn’t saying it was a good story. I just thought I had an idea. I think that you should pitch it to Netflix or Amazon. They’ll probably make the damn thing. But then there’s a flood, and guess what shows up? Sharks. Yeah. I’m going to have to rework this idea. Now that you mentioned this whole shark thing, I’ll have to change it up a little bit. When sharks like to eat zombies, wouldn’t it be great if the zombies were attacking the town, the hurricane comes in, floods the town, the zombies are eating people as well as the sharks are eating the people and the zombies.Middle-aged man versus zombies versus sharks. Oh yeah. Now. Yeah. We can bind a few things. Oh shit. We might get a tornado too. Shit. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh my Lord. Yeah. What do you think? Nobody’s tried it yet. As far as I know. And, like, you don’t have, like, any weapons at home, so you’re, like, totally screwed. You’re like, oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, my God. What am I going to do? I’ll go into my panic room. Yeah. I’ll get on the internet. But I’ll be filling up with water because of the flooding and the sharks. Honey, I have to do a podcast. I’ll be out in an hour, and then we’ll fight the zombies. Yeah. But I told him I’d be there for him. You promised him I’d do his show. We’re going to talk about Bigfoot. They’re in the UK, for Christ’s sake. I can’t let them down. It’s midnight there. I have to do it. That’s right. Yeah, okay. See, I’m telling you. You could write about your own life. You know, your own life. I’m judging a comedy contest. These kids need me. Yeah.Is that what you’re saying? Yeah. I don’t know. I just have an idea. If only you would, if only you would write it. I don’t know if you, your family would enjoy. I have an idea. We’re going to, we are going to take the lazily creative miles title to the next level. I’m doing it right now. You’re ready. Yeah. Go ahead. I’m going to attach this to the show so people can actually read this script. So, uh, write a script where Bob Lament Bob Lament’s house is attacked by zombies. As the zombies are attacking. The flood wall gives way. Letting hundreds of bull sharks loose in the area. The bull sharks start eating the survivors. Mm-hmm. Oh, how do you spell survivors? And the zombies. Please make it a 90 minutes. Oh, God. Action spectacular. There you go. Any more? No, that’s it. All right. And do, do, do.titanic Chaos, the lament Estate. That’s the name of it. You know, I thought of a shot we could do. The zombies are riding the sharks like horses. Uh-huh. Right? Right, okay, yeah, there you go Yeah, hell yeah. Are there a lot of bull sharks in the Mississippi River, though? There is a movie out on the streaming called Mississippi River Sharks. Hmm. Okay. Maybe we’d have to put it down in Louisiana or something, make it a little more believable. Yeah. It’s not doing a very good job of making this script. We need realism in this movie. We can’t just half-ass this, you know? Here we go. Act one, the breach. Exterior, Lamenta State, night. The Lamenta State is a fortress of iron and concrete nestled against a massive government-built flood wall. Bob Lament patrols the perimeter. He spots the shamblers, the undead, emerging from the tree line. He engages with a suppressed rifle, thinning the numbers. I’ll stick this on to the website.The Shamblers. The Shamblers. It’s not a full script, but it’s pretty darn good here. It’s better than I could write it. Yeah. Well, thank you, AI. Thank you, fellow travelers. It ends with you climbing Monk’s Mound at Cahoka. Oh, now you’re getting to it. Yeah. Well, no, that’s how it ends. That’s the highest peak you can go to. You’re like, oh, my God. All right. Yeah, that would be. Well, no, actually, the highest peak would be the garbage pile. Yeah. The dump. It’s right across the way from Monk’s Mound. Blame Bob Lament will be Jason Statham. Yeah. Oh, there’s shocks. It has the people. So it says Bob Lament, 50s, a former combat engineer turned survivalist. Mm hmm. Sarah, in her 30s, a local hydrologist trapped at the estate. Hydrologist. Hydrologist. Okay. And their boy, Elroy. There you go. I’m sure everybody will love it. It’s a pretty great version of the script, but I’ll stick it out there. I’m liking it. Yeah, I know. That’s been written better than I could. There you go. You know how we got this house so cheap? It’s butted up against the…The Mississippi flood wall. Oh, yeah. That’s what I say. It’s a problem. Yeah. Oh, I hate sharks. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/04/22/bad-movies/” title=”Bad Movies” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/04/22/bad-movies/” ——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-
