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Author: Bob LeMent

The strange and humorous happenings in the lives of two US Midwesterners.
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Self Return
Episode 2
Tuesday, 13 January, 2026

Bob gets tough at the package return while Miles gets taught a lesson at the self-checkout. Subscribe Random show from the last 25+ years Random Post https://youtube.com/live/TJHJwucQYZI Bad AI Transcript of the show this week oh it’s on it’s on like donkey kong what the hell was that? I was trying to bring the the energy the you know the okay i was trying to bring the, you know, excitement into the show. Bring the noise. You know, I never in my life heard anybody say it’s on like donkey kong whenever donkey kong was popular no Yeah, never ever. Did you ever hear that? Nah, we didn’t have that. Yeah, I remember playing Donkey Kong when it was, you know, new. No one said it’s on like Donkey Kong. We had just shadow puppetry. We were not very rich. Oh, you talk about you had a richer existence than I did back then. Yeah. So I remember when… When Pac-Man came out, at least in Decatur, when it got there, it took a while. And when Donkey Kong was there, because they were very popular. Yeah? At the replay video game place at the mall. Yeah, we didn’t have none like that. Oh, replay. I’d go to littleplace called little italian and play some games. No, really? That was the only one italian or was it just yeah i know it’s a pizza place? The pizza hut had like the tabletop guys, which is always fun sure always okay always fun always Yeah. Well, somebody listened to the Polish Nostradamus this week because they sent us a picture of themselves in an eggplant suit. Yeah, I saw that sexy picture. Wow. It was an AI thing, but that’s fine. I’m not gay. Wow. Look at that man. Yeah, look at that man. Look at me now. michael just up as an eggplant in some kind of production and uh yeah i’ve won apparently so there we go. No, because that was faked. No, no, it doesn’t come no way i would say the way michael please do not encourage him please no there’s no production all right i don’t know what he’s up to yeah yeah it was very creative. I thought it was funny yeah that’s funnyIt was funny. Yeah. I give him an A. A for funny. I give him an A for effort. I give him a big gong on that one. I give him an A for alpha. So, yeah. Polish Nostradamus last week, if you missed it, you can hear the 13 predictions that he made. And so far, they’ve held. I said Seahawks versus Broncos coming up. So, yeah. Are they? Both of them? Yeah. They’re still in it. Maybe we’ll check back in on that. Each week. Each week until it falls apart. I’m going to get it right one of these years. I’m going to call it. I think I looked it up. 2011. It’s already been 25. That was the 25th year. Wow. was only the 15th. Oh, gosh. Only the 15th year. What’s happened to my life? Oh, my God. Yeah, that’s right. What are you doing with yourself? Yeah, well, I know that, but I mean, what am I? Okay. So tonight we agreed to talk about your, you’re going to tell us all about your sexual fantasies. I think that was what we agreed upon. It’s all part of myNo, that’s not what we’re going to talk about. We’re telling stories I had a really nice, I know you don’t do this and I don’t mention it every time, but I had a really nice conversation with Alo. This woman in Nigeria has a show and I was on there talking and I talked about you. Yes. And I talked about whatever questions she asked me, but very nice. Very nice. Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone from Nigeria. So you have one. Yeah. Huh? I don’t think so. I actually met it. That was online, but I’ve met in person several, I think Nigerians. Yeah. Uh, I met a gentleman from Sudan. Very nice gentleman. And his friends who hustled me in pool, which is not anything bad. I’m just saying hustler. You say, I just, it’s not anything bad. I’m just saying, yes, they caught me. Yes. They caught me. Yes. No. And I got a, a guy, a friend at work who is, uh, I can’t remember where he’s from now. Dang. I’ll have to ask him again, but anyway, he’s like some, you know, distant royalty.Africa. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. I actually, we work at the same place. He made me put $10,000 in his bank account. He tried to reclaim the throne. Look, this money’s got my picture on it. That’s how royal I am. No, no, he’s a good guy. He’s a good guy. He was telling me about it. Yeah, I got a title. Uh, when i go home, I have a title and he’s like, I never, i’d never go home. So. Yeah. Yeah. I’m like, well, that must be a letdown coming over here. Yeah. All right. He’s like, no, not really. It’s better here. my name’s Herb. How are you doing yeah but uh no i just that was something that was interesting that happened recently. Yeah. But I wanted to tell you about, I’ve found a new sportSo, you know, there’s these at some point, you know, points in time they would call them like yuppie activities or, you know, what do you call it? Like soccer moms activities and things like that. I found a new one. I think it’s called drinking, isn’t it? Yeah. Yeah. The wine thing. Yeah. No, I don’t know. Right. Right. I found a new one, and you’re not going to believe it. Bring it. Maybe you will. Bring it on. What do you got? Now, I have been roped into this kind of new trend. Okay. And it’s like a cyclical thing, and around here is rampant. And I’m onto it, and I don’t like it. It’s like pickleball, or what is this? Well, actually… pickleball is huge around here, but that’s not it. Although I may play pickleball this summer. Who knows? I’d love to see that. I would love to see that. I win all my matches by default. So no, it’s, it’s,The purchasing of things on Amazon and returning them. So the deal is you go on Amazon, you purchase something. Right. It ships. It gets to your house. Right. You take a look at it. You’re like, oh, that’s not what I want. I’m returning it. Yeah. And you take it to the UPS store and return it for free. And you order something else and it comes and then you take it back. Literally, I swear to God. I have to go to UPS store at least twice a week. Oh, Jesus Christ. But the thing is, it’s normal. It’s not out of the norm. There are so many people doing the same thing. They purchase something on Amazon. They go to your house. They’re like, that’s not what I want. Holy cow.So the whole thing’s jammed up now? The whole lobby’s all… Yes. Oh, my gosh. So I had to get… I was telling you off the recording here about how everybody’s an asshole or whatever. So I go to the UPS store. So a lot of times I don’t have to go in, thank God. My wife will run it in because I didn’t buy it. But anyway, I’m not going to get that argument here. But, um, and so then she’ll, I’ll park and then she’ll go in and then, you know, we’ll go on and do other errands or what have you go to the store. This guy, his, uh, his old bat of a wife, what took something back and apparently needed to pay for it. And she didn’t have any money. So she came outside to get money from him and he pulls up behind me and she goes back in. Right. And I mean, you,There’s so many people going in and out of this place. It’s like they’re giving away something for free. Wait, let me go. It’s not the post office. It’s the UPS store. No, it’s the UPS store. Okay, I’m sorry. It’s the UPS store. Okay, cool. Yeah, post office is bad enough. Yeah, right. Yeah, don’t fuck that up. To be honest with you, the UPS store is worse. Yeah, right. With traffic, I mean. And so then the guy just sits behind me. And I’m like, oh, my God. This guy better move, right? So the issue is not so much that he’s sitting behind me. It’s that when my wife comes out and gets in the car and we can’t back up. Oh, he’s got you pinned in. Yeah, totally pinned in. Oh, great. And so when the wife shows up, then it’s going to be.Tell the pay, right? Your wife ain’t going to be having it, man. I know your wife. She’s not having none of that. She’s about it, man. I’m like, oh, and then I’m going to have to do something. Right. Because, yeah, that’s how it works. Oh, man. Yeah. Those old guys got me pinned in. He’s sitting there, sitting there, sitting there. His old wife goes in with like a wad of cash to pay for something. I don’t know what that was just being for. Right. And my wife comes out, and I’m like, please move. Please move. No. Doesn’t move. Oh, shit. I had to get out. Excuse me, sir. Could you please move your Monte Carlo? No, no. This is where the, you know, I told you I’m getting cranky or whatever. He can’t see. He’s looking for his wife. Right. His ass end is blocking me, so I cannot go anywhere.Right. He’s got like a suv or some big long SUV. Yeah. And so he can’t see me in the driver’s seat because he’s on the far side, right? Right. It’s totally boogered up. He’s like in the wrong lane, on the wrong side, doing everything wrong. Oh, geez. So I had to step out and then i give him the old, you know, hard point. I’m like, yeah you know, like move it or I’m breaking your window. You know what I mean? Right. And, uh, he, he skedaddled right out of there, but yeah. And the worst thing was I was, uh, yeah, we had been to the, uh, to the gym. And so we were coming from, the gym to drop this thing off, so i was all, like, disheveled. Wearing your shorts and your wet shirt you’re all draggled and i’m like and man that guy took off. He’s like, man, that broad is really angry, man. I better get going here. I was like i was really yeah i could i was like i hate that. I hate to do that.You’re a tough guy, man. I didn’t know that. Well, then I have to, you know, I’m like all, I’m like Sylvester Stallone telling the guy to get the hell out of there. And then I get in the car and I’m Woody Allen. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe he was blacking us in. Oh, you know, and I have to go on and on about it for like 10 minutes. Your wife’s probably like, what took you so long? Yeah, no. Well, I had a spot and so she knew I didn’t move. So yeah, I didn’t, She’s just like, what was that guy doing? I go, oh, his old bad of a wife had to come get money. I’m like, oh, but it just drives me crazy. Whenever people, it’s like there’s a bunch of parking spaces like everywhere. This place is just. You know, you in the future, like 20, 30 years from now, you know, that’ll be you, you know, some old dude. Yeah, that’ll be me. You’re right. Your wife goes waddling in, you know. Yeah, exactly.I was like, oh, man, this place is going to kill me. I didn’t know you were such a badass. I’m like, you are a badass. Yeah, thankfully, he moved and so forth. So, yeah, it’s just been getting bad here. You beat up some old man. That’s great. I beat up this old man. There was an incident today in downtown St. Louis when a young man… Oh, by the way, the monkeys that got loose in St. Louis have not been found yet. So just update. No monkeys have been found. And the news is reporting that people keep turning in AI monkey pictures of St. Louis to the authorities. The monkeys are right here. And then, of course, they’re not. Oh, yeah. the good use of AI is everybody’s turning in fake monkey pictures in there. Oh my God. Checking out. Of course, there’s no monkeys, you know, monkeys in St. Louis. I, well, there could be, there could be, there is, and they’re not from the zoo. That’s the thing. They’re illegally, illegally bred monkeys. Oh, it almost sounds made up. It could,Might be, but I’ve seen it from multiple reliable sources that there are actually monkeys loose inside. Let them be. Let them be. My sense that him and his friends are going to go find a monkey and bring it home, and I’m like… Over my dead body. No, I said he could put them in the garage, but I don’t want them in the house. Then you point to the road, and you’re like… That’s right. That’s funny. So anyway, now I’m playing the Amazon merry-go-round here. Man, I didn’t know you were such a badass. Jeez, I’m tired. Yeah. What’s going on with you? I’m chasing monkeys and returning products. Well, no, I didn’t get to beat up anybody or get that tough or nothing. I kind of got bullied.at Walmart, so. You’re pulled up behind some guy and he goes, he has some badass like and you know I do things a little bit differently than you I shop sometimes late at night I know. You’re such a weirdo and I resisted the self-checkout for many years. I’m now doing it now. One of those people. Well, I’m taking someone’s job. That’s what I feel. But, you know, like Michael’s going to have to get a new job. They don’t even want that job. Nobody wants that job. Come on. They love it. No, everyone that works there hates it. Come on. Yes. I worked at Walmart a long time ago. I checked out people. All right. Relay? All right, man. Be cool. Gosh. Wow. Hey.Hey, tough guy. Easy, man. Jeez. Come on. And, uh, so, you know, I buy different items and, uh, I had, you know, not a lot, but, uh, nylon rope, uh, zip ties, binoculars, camo bucket. Yeah. Just stuff. Crazy stuff. Random things. And, uh, I’ve made a habit of kind of like using the, uh, the, the gun, I suppose. Oh yeah. You pop that. Yeah. And so, uh, there’s like some little midget lady working there and she’s, you can’t say that anymore. Come on. What lady? No, I can’t say lady. I don’t know. I don’t know. What do you want to call it? Short. There’s a little, little person, a little person. No, she wasn’t come on i’m just joking. No, she wasn’t. It was like a keebler elf or something. I don’t know. You know, there is a high school in the area here called the, their mascot is the midgets. Uh, there’s one up in wisconsin too, called the fighting one uh one up north near Chicago. Yeah, there is actually there is this yeah anyway and uh no there was no i’m no she’s very nice lady. she worked there anyway um sosomething didn’t scan right, and I have to, you know, like a little child, like, can you come here, please, and help me with my… You know, she’s like, yeah, just you push the thing on the screen that says push here, and that clears the… I’m like, oh, okay. Thank you, lady. She’s like, yeah, all right. I’m like, all right. So I’m scanning, and all of a sudden, like, this gun thing is like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I’m like, shit, I think this son of a bitch is from… She walks up and she goes, hey, the idiot finder’s gone off again. Well, you’re getting close, yeah. So I think, I’m like, well, shit, this thing maybe is losing battery or something, you know, like, what the fuck? Sounds just like my cell phone when I don’t charge it ever. Right, yeah. Well, that is me, yes. And so I go, hey, hey, come over here again. She goes, what’sHang that up. Hang that up. Put that away. I’m like, okay. What’s going on? She goes, sir, that is really for the heavy items, not the medium or light items that you are using that for. It is for, let me repeat it, heavy items. If you had a barcode on your ass, you could use it. Yeah. I wanted to be so tough like you. Hey, I drive a Dodge Stratus. You’re not going to tell me what to do. That whole Will Ferrell thing. I’m like, yeah, I got bullied by some lady. That is for the heavy items. There are rules. If it weighs more than you, use the gun. I said, what if I’m disabled though? And she walked away. Did you really say, what if I’m disabled? Yeah, I was going to say I got hurt in the Gulf. Oh, yeah. No, in Cancun, I cut my foot. I was swimming in Cancun. I got hurt in the Gulf. Yeah, right. I was going to play that up. She did not want to hear it. Walked away. I don’t blame her. Walked away.I’m surprised she didn’t say, pack your shit up and go stand in line. Yeah. Yeah. You go get by that angry woman over there with the glasses. You’re banned from the self-check, sir. Banned. I know. I know. I got bullied again. Again. Every time you walk in the door, the greeter’s going to have to put, like, a little thing on your wrist so you can’t use it. I know. So I’m just some idiot, you know. Oh, Mr. Title, you know the procedure. We got to put the red band on your wrist every time you come into the Walmart. She’s like, I want to take that gun. I’m like, from my cold, dead hands. Were you trying to, like, spin it or anything? Like, you know, like a six-shooter in my pocket? Yeah. I was doing tricks, you know, behind my back. Like, cat litter. Six-pack. A pop. Between the legs. Three-nose.Boop, boop. Top of my head. Your whole order. I can tell your whole order. National Enquirer. Yeah. Ho-hos. Ho-hos, yes. Excuse me. You got the little Debbie kind. Excuse me. Yeah, so I don’t know. It’s going to be a little while before I go back, I think. Magnum condoms do not constitute a big item. Mm-hmm. Oh, you want to see a big item? All right. Yeah. Oh, I thought you said heavy people, not heavy items. Oh, yeah. I didn’t know what you meant. So, apparently. There’s a lot of rules in the world that I don’t follow, apparently. Yeah, I guess not. That’s interesting. I know. I’m such an idiot. Well, I mean, you know. I use the gun for everything. Whenever I do it, I just use the gun. It’s fun. It’s the only reason to go there, to use the gun. But I don’t… Apparently, you misused the gun in some ways. I may have. I may have. Okay. Looking back on it, I may have. Slim Jim. Yeah. You’re misusing the gun. Were you, like, scanning… Like, you know, scanning…breasts around you or something? Hey, you know, this gun, coincidentally, when there’s a victim… It makes you invisible. Look. I can see you shooting people in the eyeballs or something. Yeah, that’s me. Mr. Technology. In the self-checkout lane. Or maybe she just wants eat you up for christ’s sake. God. I don’t know. Not that hard. You just drag i’m working there for free for christ’s sakes. I mean, Jesus Christ, man. Don’t go there. Go to the better place. I am going to start going to the better place where i don’t get hassled and bullied. Yeah. Go to the old woman. I want to be a rich, tough guy like you that goes to, you know, your Costco’s and Sam clubs and like, Hey, listen, man. Yeah. I don’t have to wait in line ladies. You know? Yeah. I’m compliments. You better believe it sister. [su_qrcode data=”hhttps://www.staticradio.com/2026/01/13/self-return/” title=”Self Return” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/01/13/self-return/”