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Author: Bob LeMent

The strange and humorous happenings in the lives of two US Midwesterners.
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Trip Taker
Episode 13
Tuesday, 31 March, 2026

Miles takes in more of the countryside than he expected, while Bob gets bested by a grandma. Subscribe Random show from the last 25+ years Random Post https://youtube.com/live/R0ylJTK3mhg Miles takes in more of the countryside than he expected, while Bob gets bested by a grandma. Trip Taker Bad AI Transcript Yeah, it’s live streaming. Live streaming is on. That’s right. Oh. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Static Show. This is Bob. Closing time. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. Welcome to Static Radio, man. Glad you stopped by. Have a seat. Closing time. I knew that’d get you all down, you know, memory rough. You’d be like, oh, I love that song. I love it. Birth, school, work, death. I don’t know what I’ve been told. That’s the Godfather’s birth, school, work, death. We were having a bunch of old songs tonight we were listening to, which used to be new songs, but now they’re old songs. Thank you very much. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Time flies. Yeah. Time flies. Well, I’m back in the studio, so CB reported in that there was a problem with the show last week, but… Yeah. Yeah, he told me. Oh, okay. You guys chatted, did you? We had our girl talk. Secret passing notes under the desk, were you? We spilled the tea. But the file seems fine, so I don’t know what happened. I clicked on it. I heard the whole show. I heard the whole goddamn thing. I heard my whole story. He’s not very bright. Yeah, well, I don’t know. I think there was something wrong. Yeah, with him. Can’t figure out what’s going on. He’s a mental patient. He couldn’t figure it out. He’s like mental. We’ll see what happens this week and hopefully it’ll all be fine. He thinks he’s a titmouse. Closing time. My friend CB the titmouse. He’s a titmouse. He’s a little titmouse. Is a titmouse just a tiny mouse? I mean, is there really? You know, I don’t know. You just like saying the word tit. Yeah, I know. It’s funny. If only there was an ass mouse. Yeah. I don’t have many story choices this week, and I’m trying to decide which boring ass story I’m going to tell. Yeah, I know. I’m waiting. I’m like, okay, when is he going to throw out the first pitch, man? Come on. Let’s go, man. Closing time. Oh, Christ. One last call for alcohol. Before you… Give me a whiskey or beer. All right. So I talked about my wife last week, so I’ll talk about the aftermath of what happens when my wife is not around. So as you know, and I know you don’t want to hear about this because you always get all weird when I talk about it. I am trying to better myself, and I have gone swimming. I go swimming, right? I’m glad you swim. Oh, thank you. I thought you were going to get weird again for a minute. No, I’m glad you’re doing something with your life, you know, swimming. Yeah, but now usually my wife and I go together. And she’s out of commission, right? So she can’t go swimming. And so I had to go by myself. So I get up. I go to go swimming. And I’m getting prepared. It’s just a bunch of old people. You know, it’s terrible. Okay, I’m getting really upset with this. And you do lap swims. So I’m swimming laps, right? So there’s these lanes, you know. So… Well, no, that’s what they have. That’s part of the exercise, right? So I get there and there’s four lanes open for lap swim. Three of the lanes are taken. Okay. And there’s one lane open. I come in. Nobody else is there. And I’m getting ready to get in the water. I have some earplugs and stuff that I put in. And I’m standing there, and then this old lady comes in the pool area. And I swear she clocks me, right? What? She looks over at me, and she looks out the pool, and there’s only one lane left. Yeah. And that old bitch jumped right in the pool and took it. Mr. Rogel, I used to be the state swimming champion. Let me do it. Was it Shelly Winter from Poseidon Adventures? Yeah, because she’s probably like 75 years old or something. Reverend, let me do it. She makes a beeline and steals my lane. I was already there. I was just trying to get my earplugs in. Yeah, snooze you lose. Now, most people know the etiquette. You know, when you’re there, Then you get the spot, right? No. Oh, no, granny. Right in the water, right over to my spot. I didn’t see you. Then I had to swim in the non-lane area. I know. It’s not as fun. It’s not as interesting. Yeah. But that’s what happens because my wife, if my wife had been there. Oh, yeah. Well, number one, I take too long. That’s what she always says because I’m always like, you know, piddling around. She would have not stood for it. She would have been like, Mabel. Excuse me? Mabel. Get your ass out of here, you little dyke. Get out of here, you bitch. Yeah, so this is my life now. I just get trodden upon because I don’t have the enforcer with me. With the old people, you know. Bob, quit looking at Dong in the locker room and get out of here already. I’m looking at Dong. Hold on. I was talking to the Iron Man guy. Quit talking to the Iron Man guy. So anyway, that brings me up to 1982, I guess. Yeah, so I get trodden upon now that I don’t have my wife. Oh, you got bullied. bullied by uh an old lady by a grandma yeah yeah great grandma nowadays. Yeah, no kidding. I was just like, holy, I’m like, I can’t believe this because i knew she was going to do it. I was like, uh-oh. But I just can’t, you know. Yeah, so shelly winters beats you into the pool and that’s right yeah here i’m like oh jesus i couldn’t believe it, though, because, I mean, it’s kind of an unwritten rule that you, when the person who’s there gets the spot. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t swim, so I don’t know. Well, I’m telling you. I just told you. It’s like bowling has etiquette, for instance, right? Yeah, exactly. It’s like bowling. If you are putting your shoes on and sitting in the lane and then somebody runs up and takes the lane, that’s not the way it works. Hey, man. Did you do like your best George McFly? Yeah. Hey, get your damn hands off that lady. I just was like, whatever. I’ll swim in the big open space. Whatever. I don’t. I’m like, but I was like, you know, she knew it. I mean, it was all you could tell in her eyes. She’s shifty. She’s shifty. Grandma. There’s my Barker or something. Yeah. No kidding. Who knows what happened? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, that happened to me, and I was like, well, I come home, I tell my wife. She’s like, what? You tell me her name. No, she’s just like, you’re so goddamn slow. Why are you so slow? That’s why you lost it. All of a sudden, she’s like Al Capone in The Untouchables. I want her dead. I want her family dead. I’m going to strangle her with her own swim fins. Yeah. Her floaties are going to go right back. That’s right. I’m going to put floaties on her ankles and stick her in head first. I couldn’t believe the grandma took my spot. I was like, surely. Oh, no, she did. I was just shocked. The world changed. Did you cry? No. In the pool, they can’t really see you cry. Yeah, that’s good. You look like you got tears all the time. And anyway, I got my laps in, and I was like, God damn, I can’t believe this woman. Jesus. The balls. Yeah. What did she do to children, for Christ’s sake, this person? I don’t know what’s going on. The hoop spa. Yeah, the hoop spa. The hoop spa. This Yenta jumps in the pool, and you don’t have time to cut bits with her. Oh, yeah. Yeah. you’re like Shabbat Shalom Boobie so yeah I was a little bit taken aback. I would say so we’ll see what this week holds for me so far. No other incidents. I want to see like two grandmas knock the shit out of you one day although should I feel bad when much fatter people come to the pool? I always feel good. I’m like, wow, look at that guy. He’s huge. Look at the teats. I mean, he makes Miles Tidal look like an infant. Oh, yeah. No kidding. This guy showed up. I’m like, oh, my Lord. How’s this guy going to get in the pool? The lifeguard better be doing some calculations because we’re losing a lot of water on this one. And he cannonballed into the pool. My God, the guy jumped right in. Yeah. I was like, holy schmoly. I looked at you like, hey, that broad’s got no top on. Earthquake. Yeah. I’m always like, well, you know, not so bad. Jackknife. Not doing so bad now. Belly flop. No, there’s this old guy. He looks like Peter Ustinov, who nobody will know who that is, but… He looks like Peter Ustinov from Logan’s Run, and he comes and gets in the pool. You’ve just lost, like, the whole audience at this point. Hey, you know, Dark Shadows, remember that? Remember that show we were just watching? Remember that show? Leave it to me. Yeah. Wink a dink and you, remember that show? Well, the world is at our fingertips. Just go to IMDB or Google it. I know, I know. Well, yeah. How many people are going to do that? AI is flashing pictures of all this to people while they’re listening. People are at work with headphones on listening to the show. They don’t have time to Google. Oh, sure they do. Look up Peter Houston. He was a great actor. He was in the Logan’s Run. He had all the cats anyway. Yeah. Which Logan’s Run is a pretty interesting movie. Yeah. Anyhow, what’s going on with you? I was watching Logan’s Run. I’m getting beat up by grandma. Yeah, I know. I know. Sorry. I’m not very talkative today. I’m sorry. I had a little incident yesterday, actually. Really? I really didn’t do anything this weekend, which I hate. I hate. I hate. But it’s just one of those weekends. Nothing happened. Wow. My God. You’re. How many more miles can you put on your car for Christ’s sake? I don’t know. I’m riding on a flat tire this week. I suppose maybe it’ll be fixed if I leave it in the driveway for a couple of days. Mr. Miyagi might get a hair up his ass. I go, you know, I’ve got permission to go on some private property, some acreage. What are you going to do on that? I brought my dog, my old dog. Oh, right. Yeah. You love to go. Uh, yeah. And there’s a Creek in there. So I’m like, Oh, this little guy, he hasn’t really been out for a long time. He’s getting to be an old guy like me. I’m like, I’m going to take him out and he’s running around. He’s having a great time. And I’m like, I’m like, Hey, let’s go down by the Creek. Come on. Yeah. Let’s go get some crawdads. And, uh, Well, I don’t know. I’ve never actually seen crawdads in this thing. Really? I used to catch crawdads. I don’t know. I keep thinking I’m going to see something happening. There’s like no wildlife there. I don’t know. Maybe you need new glasses. It was like Logan’s Run. No crawdad reaches the age of 30. And so the dog is in the water. He’s having a great time and I’m walking around and Yeah. The owner of this place, I know he’s jiving me. He’s like, well, you know, if you look carefully, you might find a fossils or not fossil, but, uh, arrowheads and stuff. I’m like, Oh, I’m thinking he’s making this up. Cause I’ve been on there many times. Yeah, I know. Gold, the blooms, gold, the blooms, just looking at poison ivy. One day I spun around 12 times and threw out Krugerrands in all directions. The genie’s lamp is down there. If you just keep going miles, I know you’re going to, I don’t know. I don’t know if this guy’s put me on. I’m like, okay. So I always go down there and look. This place is strewn with nudie magazines from the 1980s. I’m there. Got the shovel ready to go. And, uh, so, you know, I always take a look around. There’s a sandbar. It’s got a lot of rocks like, eh, I’ll never find anything. Cool. so i’m like, okay, well, so far so good. So what could possibly go wrong? Right? So I’m walking it’s a little chilly out. I got a coat on. I have my. hand could be quicksand. It was that quicksand. No, there’s no quicksand in the story so i have my phone in my hand. I go, I should put my phone in my jacket pocket so i don’t lose it. So I don’t drop it or something happens to it or anything else. Obviously this is not your brain talking to you. Did you have somebody with you beside the dog? No. first mistake. This is not, this is not a miles title, uh, thought process. I should just randomly flail my arms around while holding my phone in a a very thickly, uh, grassy area or anything yeah right yeah you know and uh okay so anyway so i’m like i just put this damn thing in my pocket. I’ll be goddamned if I didn’t trip over a rock. Like I was shuffling my feet like an old man, like, you know, shuffle, shuffle. Yeah, slow motion. No. Weebles, wobbles. Weebles do fall down, yeah. No. Oh, my bad knee. Yeah, I know. I fell on my left side, which is my bad knee. I’m like, no. My kid knees. I mean, there was no heroic, you know, saving myself, you know, it was like, oh shit. Yep. So down goes Frazier. I’m like, oh, I’m talking about me losing people. I know. I’m like, why didn’t I just go swimming with a bunch of old broads? Jesus. And, uh, you know, whenever this happens, like I always lay still for about a minute, just in case I broke something. I’m like, okay, I broke something. You’re doing. You’re doing, like, you’re resetting, you know, legs, okay, feet, okay. Yeah, I’m like your C-3PO. Going through, like, a whole elbow. There’s a whole restart. Buttocks. Buttocks. Buttocks first. Buttocks. Boop, shoot, okay. I didn’t get a branch up my ass. That’d be funny, yeah. One million chance, Doc. And of course the dog has to, you know, come and lick me in the face. Run for miles to get somebody to help you. Yeah, I know. I mean, he’s probably, you know, drinking out of this water where it’s probably some cattle farm runoff water. I don’t even know what it is. He’s trying to lick me in the face. I’m like, get the fuck out of here. I go, I think I’m okay. I go, I think I took some meat off my knee though. I’m pretty sure. Yeah. So I’m like, I better get up because no one really knows that I’m down here. Right, yeah. I mean, if I really broke my leg, this phone is lost. I’m pretty much fucked. Yeah, well, I think give it a couple of days. One of your children probably would have wondered where you were. Eventually, yeah, they’d be like, hmm, is he going to be back or what? So I manned it up. I can do it. I had to get my stained pants off and suck the cheer wine out of them. Yeah, I was still wearing my cheer wine pants from the funeral I went to last week. So like an idiot, I had to limp back. I’m like, isn’t this the second time this has happened to you? No, I felt a lot like the last two years I’ve tripped over stuff. Like I’m getting that age now. Oh my God. Well, first of all, your head is like a Mardi Gras float. You look like Ted Kennedy for Christ’s sake. What was that? Young Ted Kennedy either. Old Ted Kennedy. You look like a background for Mardi Gras or something. What does that kid show Arnold or something? Hey Arnold. That’s me walking around. Football sized head. Unfortunately, his was sideways football. I’m trying to think of what you’re head would be like? It’d be like some kind of giant misshapen pumpkin. George Kennedy head. You know, like… And I’m like, I can do it. You can man it up. You can do it. Come on, you dog. Come on, dog. Come on, dog. That’s what I had. I don’t know. I don’t even know if it was half a mile to the car. I mean, it wasn’t that far, but… I can crawl. I can do it. Army crawl. And this guy shows up As I’m almost to the car, he shows up. He’s going to ride these little motorcycles with his kids and stuff. Right, yeah. And I recognize him. Hey, Joe. He’s like, hey. I go, I fell down and got hurt. He’s like, all right, well, we’ll see you. He just takes off. I’m like, oh, okay, well. Sucks to be you, giant head. Yeah, this is not the first time someone has told me something like that. I’ve never been injured. You’re bleeding. Did you take any water with you? I think you’re at the age now where you need to pack survival kit whenever you get away from the car. I did. I actually went there again tonight, and I did bring water this time, but I did not. Yeah, I was very careful walking. I’m like, okay, I’m not going to. I told my wife, I go, if I’m not back in about an hour, come looking for me, man. Just cash in my life insurance. Be merry. I know you’ll find somebody else. He died with his stick up his ass. Oh, my God. And a dog humping his leg. Yeah, look at my face. So, yeah, I’m getting to that age now, you know. Well, I can’t. How big was this rock? I don’t even know. I have no idea. It happened so fast. Like, I just, like, I was, like, tackled, you know. Like the blind side, you know. Oh my gosh. I just have this… I think I told this story a long time ago. My wife and I were in Decatur and this guy who pushed a shopping cart around and picked up cans. He was obviously a person with special abilities. He was walking down one of the major streets as we were driving and he hit something with the shopping cart and it started tipping over to one side, and he didn’t let go. He just held on and fell over with it. No. I imagine that’s you. Yeah. No. It was terribly hilarious. Unfortunately, the guy was cognitively impaired, but maybe you are as well. I don’t know. I don’t know. If anyone would have saw me, they’d be like, oh, no, Louis Anderson fell or something. What the fuck? Jesus. Don’t worry. He’ll pop right back up. I don’t know. I don’t know about this guy. I had to go in the creek and swim to the ocean. Luckily, I have these jeans to suck on with the Cheerwine. So, yeah. It’s five miles. Five miles. Yeah. This guy let you go on his property to find out where all the rocks are? Yeah. Okay, there’s one. Oh, there’s that big one, yeah? We better take that off. Okay, I put an app on your phone. Just walk around my property, put your phone in your pocket, and when you fall over, I’ll know there’s rocks there. It was like some Vietnamese booby trap or something. Oh, my God. Are you okay? I took a little bit of meat off my knee. I’m all right. I’ll be okay. You don’t have very fat knees, amazingly. No, I know. My legs are getting really little now. Yeah, you’ve got potato on toothpicks. This is about the fourth or fifth time I’ve fallen. I’ve tripped over something. I fell on my driveway mowing when I was on drugs. What kind of drugs were you on, by the way? I don’t know what it was. I was on a new drug. It was on Ozimbic. No, it wasn’t Ozimbic. I don’t know. I was on drugs. I’m like, hey, I should mow the grass. You know what a good idea for me is? Let’s go barefoot in my shorts with no shirt on and mow the grass. That happened. I tripped over the garden hose at night running out to go see something. That happens. I thought you tripped over the garden hose while you were mowing. No, no, no. These are all different stories. And even crossing the street to go to work, I fell down, too. Oh, my gosh. I got hit something. Hey, I have a history of falling down a lot, too. Mostly when I was younger. I don’t know what that means. Well, when you’re young, you can recover from it. Yeah, I know. As you get older, it It becomes harder and harder. Yeah, there’s like… drop and roll. So, uh, well, I mean, maybe, you know, they have these apps for your phone. So whenever you take a tumble like that, it like notifies somebody. I need life alerts. Yeah. It’s like life alert, but now they have them. Well, I have a smart phone. I don’t know what kind of phone you got nowadays. Where are you at, sir? So help can arrive. I’m in a fucking Greek. Mr. Title, Mr. Title, uh, Can you see the sky right now? Yes. Are you looking at the sky? I’m in a creek with a bunch of crawdads. Crawdads on me. They’re crawling on me. Please don’t. I’ve never seen a crawdad in my life until now. It’s up me up. Oh, my God. You’re such an old man. Such an old friend. I know. I didn’t think this was going to happen to me for like another 20 years. And now it’s like getting me, my guy. Hmm. Yeah, I think you’re on the downhill trajectory here. Yeah, I know. Oh, shit. Man, I wasn’t expecting this for another 20 years. Well, time’s up, buddy. Yeah, I know. Time’s up, chump. Next time, you’re going to have to take snacks. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/03/31/trip-taker/” title=”Trip Taker” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/03/31/trip-taker/” ——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-