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Laundry Evacuation
Episode 45
Monday, 9 November, 2026

Bob has to evacuate his office and loses his drink because of a gas leak, while Miles is abandoned at the laundromat and loses his phone. GAMES, like old-school games, play a few with the Static Radio twist here – https://www.staticradio.com/category/games/ Subscribe Random Show Click Below https://youtube.com/live/XDsxcR2bmNM Laundry Evacuation Bad AI Transcript I think Weird Al would sing that song. My scarotum. He did. over the next year or so. san jose hey everyone this is miles welcome static are you going sometime soon to san jose yeah tomorrow tomorrow okay no i’m just kidding. You can go to the uh winchester house it’s right there in san Jose. I’ve never been. I’ve never you should go you should i’ve been winchester house you know it’s kind of i know you’ve seen everything, I know. Oh, well. I’ve trucked all over this land from Maine to the Rio grand. Well, I believe you, I know you have, I’ve made this one of the, I can’t remember the next line. That’s a song by the way. Cape Gerardo, Cape Hatteras, Cape of good hope. Cape of good hope. That’s right. Cape horn. Cape horn.No, no, yeah, same as A. Dave Canaveral? I had a friend who used to live there a while back now. Dr. Coyote. He used to live there. I don’t know if you know him. No, I don’t know. He used to live there. He doesn’t live there anymore. Was it Pablo Luen? No, I think Pablo lives in Studio City. Oh, I don’t know where that’s at. I don’t know where that’s at. i can’t even leave the county, I don’t know yeah i’m gonna say you’re you seem to be a little uh a little bound a little restricted in your movement because of some kind of ankle device. Yeah, I can’t talk about it. Oh, my goodness. So, Miles. Hey, Miles. Miles. How you doing, my friend? I’m doing good. I’ve got a tale for you. Go ahead. I’m doing good, Tweaky. How are you doing? Bitty, bitty, bitty, bitty. Yeah, it’s like talking to you. Hey, Buck. No, no. So…As you know, my life has been ruined recently. Yes. And you’re always so glad to hear about how my life has been. Whenever my life gets ruined, you love to hear about it. I don’t laugh at your face, but, I mean, I do laugh behind your back. You laugh here. You laugh. Well, it is funny. I mean, you getting hurt and whatever else. That is kind of funny. So, you know, COVID was a blessing that I think everybody, you know, hates. But I think it was a great blessing. And I got to work from home for many years. And do 12 different podcasts all at the same time. That’s part of work. And recently they’re like, you know what? Maybe you shouldn’t work from home so much. Right. Correct. And so I’ve had to go back in. So I’ve been at the office and hating every minute of it.And, uh, but I was, I was there and I had a goal to kind of clean up because basically when COVID happened, uh, we moved offices like during COVID. Yeah. And so I just slapped all this shit in these rooms because it was during COVID. I’m like, I’m not coming in here. Fuck it. You know? And so it was just everywhere. Yeah. And so now that I’ve had to be back, I’m like, I probably should clean this up. You know, it’s been a few weeks. Uh, it’s really messy and in the way. So I’m, I have a couple of different areas of stuff that I’d have to deal with. And so I cleaned up my office and then I have another couple other rooms and I’m like, I want to, I tackled the office, everything worked out well. And then I’m like, I was feeling very energized and,And I thought I’ll go down to this other room and kind of clean up in there. I thought I’m going to be a good, you know, a good employee. I’m going to clean everything up, you know, throw out the junk and, and make everything nice and tidy. Sure. I don’t know why I got that up in my butt, but I did. And so I go down to this other, uh, area that’s in a different part of the building. And it’s right across from like a very large conference room that holds like 50 people. Oh, okay. Big conference room, right? And so I’m like, you know, I had myself a delicious Coke Zero Sugar. I was drinking my soda, humming a song. Eating a salad. Eating a salad.Everything was working. Right. I’m like, this is great. I’m cleaning up. I’m feeling better. You know how you ever clean up and you feel better? Every once in a while. Yeah. You probably don’t feel that so much. Not often. Yeah. Well, I do. So I’m organizing and whatnot. And then I hear this guy. He comes out of the big room and he’s on a cell phone out in the hallway, but I can’t see him. so he’s down the, there’s like a hallway there. He’s down the hallway just a little bit. So where i don’t see him, he doesn’t see me i’m like drink take a drink you know, delicious coca-cola zero sugar. If only i could get them to sponsor this show. Yeah. I keep talking. Yeah. I love it. I love Coca-Cola. You know that. I know.There’s probably been 100 episodes about me and my terrible Coca-Cola habit, especially when I visit your house. But anyway, so I’m going along and all of a sudden I’m like. What? I’m like, what is that? Oh, my God. Oh, that smell. I’m like, I’m nowhere near the bathroom. Right. And I get the most horrendous shit smell. Oh, God. This is like heavy and wet in the air. Love is in the air. And I’m like, for a minute, I’m like, you know, because I always think it’s me. I’m like, did I fart and didn’t realize it? Is this me? Did I shart? Yeah, exactly. I’m like, did something happen? Am I losing control of my body? Did I not know this, right? And I’m like, even when I do, even if it smells really bad, it doesn’t smell that bad to me. So I’m like, this can’t be mine. So I had this whole debate. The guy, if he’s paying attention at all, would be like, here’s a guy whistling and moving stuff around, clang, clang, clang. All of a sudden, dead stop. Yeah.Yeah, and I’m like, oh, no. It’s that guy in the hallway. Oh, God. This guy shit the hallway. What? So bad. Wait a minute. He shit his pants? I have no idea. That’s what it smelled like to me. Oh, God. He was still talking on the phone. I could hear him talking on the phone, but the smell was… It had to come down the hallway. Oh, my God. About two doors-ish. Yeah. Come into the room that I was in. Mm-hmm. Involved me in like a bubble of stink. Yeah. And I’m like, I got to get out of here. Yeah. I cannot stand it. It is so bad. Okay. So I grabbed my drink, and I started walking. I head out. I’m just like…I’m out of here. I can’t do this anymore. There’s no way I can. I couldn’t drink the drink. It was so stinky. Oh, God. It got into the soda can. Oh, no. I had to pour out half my soda. Oh, Jesus. I took it right to the sink and poured it out and got rid of it. I was like, that was the worst fucking fart I have smelled in a really long time. Yeah. I kept trying to look over my shoulder at this guy. He’s still talking on the phone. Dude. You stink, my friend. I’m like, did he sneak over down the hallway, blow the fart out his ass right into this room when I wasn’t paying attention? Yeah. I felt like I stunk because I had to walk through it. I might have an explanation to this, but keep going guys. What? I might have an explanation to what you’ve encountered. Well, this was so bad. I, I stopped my cleaning. I, I haven’t even got back to doing it again. I just left. I just left.and went to a whole other area of the building, back to my office, and I just cried. Yeah. It was so bad. I had to pour out my soda on the way, and I sat in my office with my hands in my head, and I’m like, I can’t believe I survived that. I had PTSD. Right. I had, what would it be, like fart PTSD. Yeah. I couldn’t believe it. I’m like, this guy is so fucking rank. And I think he went back into the meeting. Oh. Oh. Yiker. I didn’t know him. He was from outside. Yeah. He should have stayed outside. Yeah. I’m like, oh, my God. I think he thought it was all clear. And then all of a sudden, I come popping out of there after a couple of minutes. He’s probably like, oh, oopsies.wanted to i wanted to like you know, shake my finger at him. Yeah. I’m like, God, you are rank my friend good eat yeah you better you better in the box and send it away really quick. Yeah. Call a guard. Um, I might have the explanation to this. Well, I would think that you, of all the people I know, have probably been the guy that shat his pants in the hallway and just kept talking on the phone. This has nothing to do with me. Due to some health issues, my wife, many years ago, had to switch to a sugar-free diet, and she eats… a fair amount of sugar-free candy. And, uh, you really have not lived until you’ve lived with someone who eats this. Uh, it is the most concentrated fart and it doesn’t go away. Oh, it didn’t. That’s why I left. It was so horrible. And I would bet you money at your favorite restaurant. This guy was eating some sugar-free bullshit.I could not confirm that because I could not even look at him or anything. It’s nasty. It’s nasty. It’s like a giant wall, like a fog. Yes. And it will not go away. It will not dissipate. I felt like somebody just took, you know, shit spray in the mosquito thing and just drove it around the hallway. Yeah. Yep. Yep. It is the most vile fart you’ll ever smell. Oh. There’s an episode of SpongeBob where he eats onion soup or something. And then like his breath is really bad and he knocks over everybody except for Patrick because Patrick doesn’t have a nose. Yeah, that’s what it felt like. Yeah, I bet you. I will bet you. Sugar free. Well, I’m pretty sure. He had major issues if you ask me. I’m like, good God.Never. Right. I mean, I can’t even remember the last time i’ve smelled something that bad yeah i know i live with someone that has this, yes. And I work with cadavers. No, I’m joking. Yeah, I only wish. Believe me. It’s like Silence of the Lambs where they put that shit underneath their nose. That’s like living with somebody who eats sugar-free candy, believe me. You’re like, oh, fuck. You guys all got the Hitler mustache of Vicks under your nose. And what’s worse is if you know the phrase silent but deadly. Yeah. Like you’ll just be sleeping and suddenly it’s like, oh! I don’t know. I was just like, yeah. Yeah. I’m like, this is, something is not right. It’s like a chemical or something. I don’t even know what it is. It’s something, it’s not right. Whatever it is, it is not human. It’s like sulfur and brimstone or something. I don’t know what was going on. I would rather spend the day at like a cattle stable or horse ranch or something, cleaning out dolls all day and smell that versus smelling a sugar-free fart. Yeah, okay.Well, maybe you’re right. I should have asked. Next time I’m going to say, buddy. I’m telling you. Cut out the sugar-free candy, please. I know that’s what this is. It’s not the hard candy. It’s got to be some kind of gummy or something. Don’t you think? I don’t know. It could be just sugar-free. Okay. I drink zero sugar soda. I don’t have that kind of. problem no that’s not the problem there’s something in that i’m telling you there’s something in that candy there i don’t know what it is, but it’s horrible this candy tastes great but it has the better effect of being deadly very new dutch oven candy Scale of 1 to 10, definitely 9 1⁄2. It’s like those atomic warhead candies that are so hot or whatever. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It lingers. It lingers. It won’t leave. The stinky linger candy. It’s like a blanket of fart that just comes and envelops you, and you’re like… That’s what I felt like, but yeah. You actually have to leave the area to…Yeah, I had to go get my chakras realigned. Goodness. Yeah, you’re like, oh, my God. I’m like, where’s that sage? Let me burn some of that shit. Oh, God. I feel bad for you if that’s what it was. Yeah, it was bad. Yeah. It’s that nasty. This guy kept talking on the phone. Yeah. Yabba-da, yabba-da, yabba-da. Oh, man. But I survived. And how they can sit in their own filth, that’s what I don’t get. I mean, how can you even. You kept. turning around but i just thought because he was on the phone. Maybe he’s trying to shake it loose. I don’t know. He’s paying it around his other hand i’m gonna fart dingleberry hanging on to him. Shake it off. Shake it off if i keep turning around i’ll eventually shake this dingleberry off. Right. So what’s going on with you, my friend? You know, uh,you know, we’re old and crippled though, you know, my house, you know, that’s right. And, you know, some chores has fallen behind and, uh, no one’s fault. No one’s fault. It’s just, and, uh, we were already, you know, things have been breaking here. You know, wait, is no one’s fault code for your fault? I think basically. Yeah. And I mean, we were already behind anyway on the family laundry as it was. Yeah. Wow. And, uh, so we’re, you know, going to bed. you know, probably almost a week ago. And there’s this horrible sound and my son runs and he goes, Oh my God, that’s our dryer. Making that noise. No, it was the squeal. I don’t even know. I go, I didn’t even know what it was. I went, what the fuck is that? Yeah. I allow, you know, nowadays you’re better off as buying new versus trying to fix the damn thing. Right. Yeah.I fixed my dryer recently. Well, I know, but you’re too far away. I’m not going to come fix yours. Come on, man. I mean, a friend would do it. That’s your line to everybody. A friend would do it. I go up to women. Hey, a friend would do it. I thought you were a friend of mine. So… You know, Saturday, my son, he’s like, Dad, I will volunteer to take all this laundry through the laundromat. Wow, that’s a big give. And I mean, we probably had about eight baskets of clothes. Holy shit. Yeah, we were behind. I don’t even have… A basket of clothes that I own, I don’t think. I don’t even know where all this clothes came from. I’m like, fuck, is he sure this is in the neighborhood? You have all your clothes from your whole life? My wife’s wedding dress, that was in there. I mean, you seem to be wearing smaller clothes when I see you half the time. I brought in my Cavaricci suit. Everything is dirty. So much goddamn dirty laundry around here. I go, listen, I go, my…My back is jacked up, but I got to help you, man. You look like the back door of the goddamn Goodwill. I know. I have no idea where all this came from. I’m like, okay, we got to. And I go, listen, my back is really jacked up. I’m going to help you out because this is going to be a big undertaking. Yeah. I haven’t been to a laundromat in so long. When I was a kid, it was fun because I’d just run around and then I’d think Back in those days, they actually had arcade games at the laundromat. Not this one. Yeah, not anymore. And I have some anxiety because, like, there’s, like, these gossipy, you know, Facebook pages around here, you know. Yeah. Nobody knows me, so. No, but I don’t know these people. But anyway, but, you know, it’s always like, oh, some guy’s over at the laundromat somewhere eating his own feces or something. I’m like, oh, you know.you know guys killing that baby seals or the laundromat or something like, oh, what the you know i have like a lot of anxiety. I’m like, I don’t know if i want to go, you know like man like luckily my son’s kind of a big dude. You’re like, okay. I’m like, all right. So, and so i’m just bracing myself like oh wow this is a story for the show i know over here okay it’s coming I’m going to get panhandled. There’s going to be some guy talking in a weird voice wanting to talk to me with a bad eye or something. No, nothing. Nothing. Like half the place is like kindly old ladies. Oh, you got laundry. I fold your underwear. It’s been a while. No way. Yours might take a while. No, they were very kindly. Reminds me of being in the military when I used to fold flags.I see your sergeant stripes. I was so disappointed. I’m like, wow, this place is clean. How was it? Really? No one’s blaring loud music. Everyone seemed fairly normal. I’m like, wow. I was really disappointed. I’m like, wow. I was really hoping for a cool show thing to happen. I hear you. I would have thought… The same. I would have thought somebody’s going to be hanging out or something weird. Have you got any money for me, man? Can you spare me 50 cents for a soda? You selling weed? Yeah. I was so disappointed. I’m like, oh, wow. I thought I’d see that. You don’t have one of those places that you drop off your laundry and then they wash it at the laundromat and you just pick it up? I don’t know. I usually justI’m very hoity-toity. We have a washer and dryer at home. I’m hoity-toity like you. You’re a one percenter. All of you can just suck it. My son is leading the way. He’s getting his machines going. He’s getting quarters going. You’re going to throw a fit. When our house burnt down, we had to do some laundry at the at the hotel because they have uh washer dryers there because i literally just had one change of clothes that i was wearing. Right. Right. And, um, we, you know, didn’t get anything, uh, right away, but anyway, how much does it cost you to do laundry? because it costs like a buttload of quarters to do laundry at the hotel. Uh, these were like industrial machines and the biggest ones were like 750 a load, I think, or something 750Yeah. Holy shit. Why do they have dollar bill changers on them instead of quarters? Well, I don’t know it just it happened all right i don’t know. I don’t know. And some of them have like a, you can swipe a card, but it takes like eight attempts to get the thing to work. Like, okay. I think it’s four dollars at the hotel. Well, things have changed a little bit. They’re a little boring so yeah it’s been a few years, I guess. And I, you know, I’m wearing, you know, my greasy sweatpants I like to wear. Yeah. For some reason, those never get washed. Yeah. I mean, they smell like crack bad. They’re like, these aren’t dirty yet. And I’m being so careful because, you know, I usually have my MERS with me, you know. Yeah, I know. And, you know, I don’t really trust pockets of sweatpants. And so I’m just, like, being very overly cautious because I’ve got –car keys, phone, wallet. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t trust pockets of sweatpants. I mean that. Well, yeah, it’s, it’s in the, it’s in the statement there. Of course you don’t trust pockets of sweatpants. I know. Well, okay. Okay. Tough guy. Yeah. I don’t know but uh put my roll of 20s in the one side So, like, 20 minutes into it, I realized my wallet is missing. My wallet? How much? You must have spent, like, $100 on laundry. Jesus. Well, you know, shit, we had eight baskets, man. What the fuck? It’s crazy. That’s just insane. If only a friend would have come up from St. Louis and picked my dryer. I guess he was busy. I was busy, actually, yes. Heading to his stupid family again. Yeah, that’s right. Selfishly. What did I do? I think I took a nap. Yeah, you did nothing. Yeah, I know what you did. Nothing. And so, come to find my wife, we’re getting all screwed up here.my son had taken my wallet just for safekeeping. I didn’t know this. Cause you like leave it laying around everywhere. Yeah. He goes, Oh, you left it on top of that washer over there. I’m like, Oh God, someone’s going to take my remaining $7 out of my wallet. You know, I was all worried. Like, Oh man, I got pinched for $7. Good God. I already spent 50 on all these. Yeah. And, uh, so, uh, The boy’s taking charge. We’re getting about halfway through it. The washing’s done. We’re starting to do the drying now. This is a big undertaking. We’re halfway through the drying and the boy takes a phone call. He’s like, oh, shit. Okay. All right. Yeah, I’ll be there. I’ll be there. I go, what’s going on? Oh, I forgot. I signed up for an extra shift today at work. I got to leave.what what yeah i gotta leave. And I didn’t want to say anything because my back’s kind of effed up, but i’m like, shit, I gotta lug all this heavy shit around like fuck it oh you know what’s gonna you know what you did yeah you just you didn’t fold it or anything. You just took wads of it and threw it in the back of your car it’s yep Oh, I didn’t fold shit, man. Yeah, I know. No, I didn’t. It all went back in those eight baskets. I’m like, man. You just threw it in your car and it’s probably still sitting there to this day. I must have a look of shock on my face because I kind of turned away and looked at the machine like, fuck, you know, like, shit, what’s it going to be? Just take multiple trips. You’ll be fine. Well, the funny part was, like, he was, like, at the door ready to exit. Like, he was on the other side of the room. And he looks at me and he does that.And he gives me the wave, like the old night from the last crusade, like, you know, Raiders sticks his hand up. And like, I did the same thing to him. Like, you know, like I’m in Indiana Jones, like, you know, I don’t have time for kid. And he like turns and leaves this loud. No, no goodbye or nothing. Like, like, Oh fuck. I’m dumping you old man in your smelly clothes. Oh my God. So yeah. So I had to man it up, get it done. you know, trying to make sure nothing falls out of my pockets, you know, and all this. Any nice ladies got any candy? No. So the exciting conclusion to this story, I know it’s a long story, but I get home. I realize my phone’s gone. Um,I go, motherfucker. I go, man, that thing, because it was almost dead. Of course it’s almost dead. It had like 5% or 4% maybe. I’m like, oh. You never charge your phone ever. I’m looking like, shit, I don’t see it. It’s not in the car. It’s not in the laundry. It’s not in the shitter. And after about two hours, I’m like, I’m going back. Fuck it. You waited two hours to go back? Well, I was tired. The only good thing is that your phone is such a piece of shit, no one would steal it. Guess what? I came back. It was there. Yeah, exactly. By the kindly old women who had no news. Like, who wants this goddamn penny phone that they gave you? I know. My wife’s like, you know, well, there’s people that know how to get those and strip those down and resell them. And I’m like, no, not my pink phone. They’re not going to do it. No, they’re not going to do it.The hand-me-down phone that I’m given, you know. That’s right. You get the phone that gets shit out at the end after everybody’s used it. Yeah. Yeah, it’s like something like they found at Crippery or something like that. This thing’s old looking and shitty. Everybody’s like, Nokia? Yeah. Nokia. Jitterbug. Jitterbug. Yeah. Half the… Half the buttons are missing. Good God. I mean, I was so, you know, like, I’m not going to lose anything. I won’t lose anything. And sure enough, the phone’s gone. Looks like somebody just continuously plays Snake on this thing. Just don’t check the browser history. Goodness gracious. Yeah, I was not surprised. What kind of phone do you have anyway? I got an Android something, though. Got an Android. It’s got a blue back to it. I got a Droid 600 or something. 601, 602, whatever it takes. It says Tandy on it. Tandy.It’s a Windows phone. It flips up, says Motorola when I turn it on. I always do my William Shatner impersonation. Hey, ladies. I call it bingo, my phone. Well, I’m glad you found your phone, but I’m not surprised that nobody wanted it. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/11/09/laundry-evacuation/” title=”Laundry Evacuation” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/11/09/laundry-evacuation/”