Static Radio

Author: Bob LeMent

The strange and humorous happenings in the lives of two US Midwesterners.
Be a guest on this podcast

Language: en-us

Genres: Comedy, Relationships, Society & Culture

Contact email: Get it

Feed URL: Get it

iTunes ID: Get it

Get all podcast data

Listen Now...

Greasy Pollster
Episode 42
Monday, 19 October, 2026

Miles tells a political pollster that his wife has passed away, while Bob skates through a convenience-store wedding party. GAMES, like old-school games, play a few with the Static Radio twist here – https://www.staticradio.com/category/games/ Subscribe Random Show Click Below https://youtube.com/live/RHPNZU5jnsw Static Radio – Judy’s Kitchen Miles tells a political pollster that his wife has passed away, while Bob skates through a convenience-store wedding party. Greasy Pollster Bad AI Transcript rrrrrrrrrrrrrr You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Hey everyone, this is Miles. Welcome to Static. Thank you. I’m going to get all misty-eyed here. I know. That’s what I was hoping for. Goodness gracious. You don’t hear things like that every day. Well, I just thought, you know, you might need it after you travel so much. The truth comes out eventually, everyone. Yep. The truth comes out. It comes out. How you doing, Miles? You doing okay tonight? How’s your, you know, frailties? You know, had not all my friends left me, you would be further down the list, unfortunately. Lucky for me. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. I’m kind of divorced from all my friends at this point, so yeah. Well, yeah. I’m stuck with you, so. Maybe I should get divorced, because then I can get some alimony at least.I mean, you’re kind of like my Wilson. You know what I’m saying? Wilson! I mean, you’re just like this stupid head with a stupid face. You have to think. The Wilson thing. That’s Tom Hanks. Just move it to bosom buddies. Exact same expressions at everything. There’s no… His acting, there’s no difference between Tom Hanks in Bosom Buddies and Tom Hanks… Castaway. Absolutely none. Peter! Peter Scolari! Right? Buffy! Buffy and Hildy! Hildy or something. I watched that show. I did watch that show. I don’t care what they say anymore. This is my life. leave me alone yeah there’s no, I don’t know how tom hanks is, everybody’s like, he’s so great because i mean you can, you can play these things together and they would be the exact same. You just have buffy and Wilson. Just swap some word you know, names in there.Yeah, I was watching Gray Wolf or Gray Lady or whatever the hell it’s called. It’s like the movie, by the way. I go, man, that’s his exact same role as Booth and Buddies. I mean, you put them side by side. That captain fighting the Nazis is just like Hildy. He always plays a character named Kip. He was Captain Kip. Yeah, right. Even in the one where he gets the pirates come and get him. Captain Kip. You know, he mixed in Captain Phillips, Grey Lady. What is that? Is it Grey Lady? Or what is that called? Grey Lady. Grey Lady. No, come on. What is that called? Is that Grey Lady? Grey Lady Town, I think is what it was called. He plays the same character in every movie. It’s weird. I was watching that, and then I watched Bachelor Party. I’m like, oh, my God. It’s insane. It is the same performance. From Decatur, Illinois. Oh, my God.Yeah. See, Wolf Captain. Same performance. Same guy, so limited. I love it when it came through the, you know, the little airlock area, and he’s holding the door because you guys, oh, what’s going on? Oh, no. There’s a topless woman on the bridge. What? It’s all like more your Barney Fife. I know. Unfortunately, I don’t really have a good time. Do Barney Fife doing that line again. I want to hear that again. Which one? There’s a topless woman on the roof. What? There’s a topless woman on the roof? foster girl. I think they need to recast that whole movie. That great lady. I have to work on my tom hanks impression well son there you go. You see the nazis submarine and the dude. Colin Hanks has more range than tom Hanks, which is interesting. No, I don’t know. Oh yeah. Oh, Chet Hanks.Anyway. No, Chet Hanks, I will agree with you. Yes, he’s a star. Did you notice Woody is the same as the guy in Philadelphia? Did you notice that at all? I didn’t notice that. I did. Settle down, man. Settle down. Oh, man. He’s like, there’s a snake in my boot. That line was in Philadelphia, the courtroom. Yeah, all right. Trails your snake. All right. We didn’t even get into Polar Express. Damn it. That’s right. All right, we better cut it. Even worse, the Polar Express is the creepiest thing ever. Yeah. Why people like that is beyond me. It’s so freaking creepy. Oh, you just like Eddie Deason. Yeah, well… Although I’ve met Eddie Deason, actually. Have you really? Yes, I did. I had to wait. He was late showing up, believe it or not. Sorry, I’m late. I stuck on the Ferris wheel. Mike, you stupid. Oh, my goodness. Well, I don’t have any stories about celebrities this week, but.Well, that’s the end of the show. Thank you, everyone, for listening, and good night. I did meet Tom Hanks at a Dickie Bub’s store. No, I didn’t. So I complained about having to work over the weekend before we started recording, and then you, of course, mentioned it and everything. i drive across for my work, I have to, I go all over Missouri. Sometimes I go other places, right? I had to go to texas and you know, I go various places. I’ve had to go to las vegas and california and all this kind of stuff so hollywood redwood that’s right yeah i love l.a um so anyway i had to go to jefferson city in missouri state Capitol. And I took a picture of the state capital out my hotel window and sent it to you. And you’re like, what’s that? There’s a snake in my boot. There’s one in my pants. And so anyway, I had to spend my Saturday in Jefferson City. And so then whenever I got done, I drive Highway 70. Highway 70 is the main highway that bisects from east to west the state of Missouri.And it is a killer highway. A lot of people die on it. There’s always traffic jams and things backed up for miles and everything. And I’ve had to drive it now for over 30 some years. So anyway, I get done with my thing in Jefferson city and I’ve always been told all these years are like, don’t go down 70, go down this high, like rural highway 50. Especially in the fall. Right. It’s beautiful. It’s beautiful. Was it like a man in like a Nazi uniform that told you that? My friend Belak, he told me. No, no. People have told me this over the years. And I’ve never gone down Highway 50. And so I was there. And I got to leave a little bit early, which is not the norm. And I’m like, it’s only about 10 or 15 minutes longer, it says on the map, you know.I’ve told all these years, never had a maps option until recently. But anyway, I’m like, I’m going to go down Highway 50 on the way home. And I do. It was beautiful. It’s rolling hills. You go up and down. You and Bellock. Yeah. You and Bellock from Raiders. Go ahead. Blow it back. Go ahead. Go ahead, Bob. Eat onion rings. Blow it back to God. Let’s blow it back to God. To God. And so I’m driving down highway 50. It’s just, it’s beautiful. It’s great. You know, you should, you should drive it. I was, they were all right. And I’ve been ignoring them for, you know, decades. Yeah. And so I’m enjoying myself now, you know, I’m like, wait a minute. I’m going to have to get gas. Yeah.I didn’t even think of this. I didn’t even think about this. You know, and I’m also, I’m very hyper vigilant about where I stop, you know. I believe this to use the restroom, and I know all the restrooms that I like to stop at on highway 70, which I got a new one. I talked about it a few weeks ago. I don’t know any restrooms on highway 50, and I don’t even know if there’s going to be a gas station. I mean, this is like not a major highway. This is, you know, a county, you know, state highway kind of situation. Luckily though, there was plenty of little towns along the way, you know, but you know, I, I like Casey’s, but they don’t always have the cleanest bathrooms. Agreed. Agreed. So they’re not like, they’re like emergency stop, not high on the list. Right. Um,And so I passed a few cases, and then I was coming up on the biggest town on this route until I got to, you know, closer to St. Louis, which was called Union, Missouri. All right. Have you ever been to Union, Missouri? Thankfully, no. Oh, it’s a nice little town. I would love to live in Union. What struck me, two things struck me. One was good. One was bad. I was driving by the local college, probably a community college in days gone by that’s now just a college. I don’t know how they changed the names. I have no idea. They had a big sign, like one of those electronic signs, and it said, come tonight to watch Blade Runner with film discussion afterwards.Ooh, I’m there. I’m like, why did they do cool shit like that whenever I was, you know? I know. I’d stay and watch Blade Runner again. Oh, yes. Anyway, so I thought that was really cool, and I thought, this is the place to stop. Look, they have Blade Runner playing at the college for free, and they’re going to discuss it. And I think you’re a replicant. That’s right. That’s right. I’m sure you’re not human. I’m sure you’re a replicant. Yeah. What do you, how do you react whenever you see a snake? All right. Yeah. I go, it’s in my boot. And then, uh, so then I come up to like the, the, you know, kind of the bigger area of businesses, you know, with all the different McDonald’s and all that kind of stuff. And there’s several gas stations and I, I’m low on gas at this point.Cause I didn’t fill up ahead of time and I have to take a whiz. And so I pull in, I’m like, I got like mobile, you know, 66 and they have a QT. Yeah. QT is called quick trip here in the area. I don’t know if people have those elsewhere, but QT. And I’m like, I’m choosing the, I’m choosing the QT. Yeah. It looks to be the biggest convenience store amongst the corner gas stations. And I’m going to choose the QT. Because sometimes QTs are hit and miss. So I go ahead and I fill up. And I go into the QT. And this is the greasiest fucking QT I’ve ever been in my life. New York, Missouri, the greasiest QT. I literally felt like I was sliding across the floor. It was like a goddamn ice rink.It was so greasy. The floor was greasy. The air was greasy. Oh, God. I felt like I was getting enveloped in grease. Bob Lament wouldn’t even screw in here. It’s so dirty and greasy. So I, you know, I slalom over to the bathroom. Slalom. One arm behind your back, the other one you’re kind of back and forth. I’m Eric Heiden or whatever his name is. Yeah, yeah. Olympic skater, speed skater. Right, right, right. And so I slide into the bathroom. Thankfully, the bathroom, although not really totally clean, was at least laid out well. And there was an open urinal, so I was good to go there. And so I… And it had the tile all the way up on the side, so it wasn’t like the little flimsy metal providers. I could slide my legs to either side onto the tile wall, hold my position while I floated in the grease.So I didn’t put on my shoes or anything because it’s just so fucking slippery in there. And so I took care of business. I go wash my hands and dry them. And I still felt like I was dripping with grease. And then I leave… the bathroom, and I’m like, okay, I’m going to get myself something to drink, you know, maybe a little snack. It’s still at least an hour or so before I, you know, get anywhere I want to be. And I start looking around, and I’m like, I got really confused because everybody in there was wearing really nice clothes. Except you. Well, I was dressed for work. I don’t dress as nice as you do, but… I was in a collared shirt and, you know, dress clothes. You pretty much wear like the same thing every day. I do. I really do. Yes. Which I won’t describe because I don’t want to give you away to some, you know, stalker or something. That’s right. Thank you. I do have… It’s an un-uniform. It’s not a uniform, but it is a uniform. Yeah. And so…my stylist recommended it to me. Um, so, you know, I’m, I’m, you know, what do they call it when you like go back and forth on one skate? I don’t know what they call it. I was doing that through the aisles and, and all these people are dressed like, like way up. And I’m like, is today’s sun? It’s Saturday, isn’t it? Like everybody just got out of church. Right. And they’re all sliding around this quick trip. I don’t know what they’re getting. I was kind of really confused because I thought… Diarrhea, it sounds like. Hopefully they didn’t get the taquitos. Taquitos. I don’t have a Sunday taquitos. That roller taquito looks really tasty. I love it. In gas stations… If I’m buying something, it’s got to be in a sealed bag. It’s like Halloween or whatever. I don’t want any needles or, you know, any kind of weirdness going on there. And so, yeah, so I’m walking around and there’s all these, I mean, these ladies in these dresses that are touching the floor. And I’m like, this is bizarre. And it’s all greasy. And guys in suits, you know, with jackets and ties. Yeah.When do you ever see that anymore? I know. And I’m like, it’s either like church got out or there was a wedding or something inside the quick trip while I went to the bathroom. I don’t know. That’s weird. It was like a time warp or something. So I got my snack and I left, but I was like, this is just the most bizarre fucking place. I’m like, why? If these people are local, why the hell are in this greasy ass QT? There’s gotta be something nicer. This belongs to that old Robert Stack show, Mystery, I don’t know, Mystery or something. Yeah, that’s right, Unsolved Mysteries. Yeah, Unsolved Mysteries or whatever it is. Why would a man go into a restroom, hold a grease, brace himself by acting like he’s about to be raped, and then… I was hoping for one of the grab bars, like in the stall, you know what I mean? I needed that to hold still. At the urinal. It’s a madhouse!It’s a bad house. You know when they get ready to push the bobsled down, they’re holding on. I need one of those. Yeah. Sliding around everywhere. So yeah, I couldn’t believe it. I was like, they’re dressed so nicely in this nasty, nasty QT. I don’t usually see that when I go to a gas station. I know. I mean, it was more than just a person. This was like the whole Everybody walking in the aisles was dressed up. I swear to God, they just performed the ceremony. I went to the bathroom. They go, places? They do the ceremony. I come out, and they’re all just standing there. It’s weird. It’s a masquerade. So, yeah, I left Union in my rearview mirror pretty quickly. I was like, holy moly, I don’t know what’s going on here. That’s got to be some kind of churchy thing or something. Yeah, there was something going on. I don’t know. I’m not in a good mood.into a cult or something. People wearing hats. It was crazy. Anyone wearing a suit now with a tie? I can’t even… Maybe once or twice a year, maybe I see someone dressed up like that. Everybody come from a funeral and then go in there. Let’s go get snacks. Uncle Bob loved to have taquitos after… Gotta have my taquitos. I want to get diarrhea just like my old dead uncle used to get it. But anyway, I mean, Union looked like a really nice town, but somebody needed to mop that fucking floor. Yeah. Yeah. It hadn’t been mopped in quite some time. Oh, so QT and Union, not recommended. No, I should have chose Parley. I should have chose one of the other two corners, I guess. Yeah. It held up for Loves or something. Well, Loves, yeah. See, Buc-ee’s, I love Buc-ee’s, always clean. There’s a place called Wally’s that’s only in Fenton.And Pontiac, Illinois and Fenton, Missouri. That’s like Bucky’s. It’s like a Bucky’s ripoff. And Love’s is pretty good. Pontiac, Illinois. What the hell’s in Pontiac, Illinois besides a prison? Wally’s is there. No, why is that there, though? I mean, what’s… It’s off the highway on the way to Chicago. I guess. I don’t know. Isn’t there like a women’s prison there or something? Well, you know, a lot of conjugal visits, I guess. Everybody’s going to get snacks on the way. I don’t know. Or while they’re there, if you know what I mean. Whatever. While a jerky. Oh. So anyway, I want to tell the QTN Union, get a mop, some hot water, maybe some type of… It’s not in the budget, sir. Air freshener or some kind of air scrubber or something. I don’t know what’s going on there.I walked out of there and felt like I ate a pound of bacon or something. I was like, yeah. What’s happening? Yeah, exactly. I go, ah! Wilson! Ah! So anyway, that’s my advice. And so now I will try to go down that road again at some point and actually find a good bathroom, but not this time. Right. Right. I’ll tell, I’ll, I’ll help everybody to it once I find it. So, right. What’s going on with you, sir? So I was going to go, boy, and I had all these stories and I’m like, man, I was trying to decide and then something else happened tonight. And I’m like, well, wait a minute now. Hold on. Well, I won the lottery and I thought I should probably talk about that. I pulled the tab and there tabs out the bar.you know i’ve had uh you know in recent weeks i’ve had, you know, certain weirdos come to my door and i do have a door camera now and uh it’s it i think yours is called like a wing or something. It’s not actually a brand name camera. It’s a pinhole camera. Yeah. it takes a long time to develop the, uh, hold on. Wait, I can’t see you. Hold still. Don’t move. Stay there guys. Don’t move. And, uh, I noticed like in the last month or so, about two, three times now, something like, you know, young hippie looking dude, like you, uh, like a young Bob lament, like is like coming to the door and I go, he’s got something in his hand. It looks to be perhaps some political. Oh, I thought you were going to say like a spray paint can and a cock. Yeah. And, uh,Never come back to Buc-ee’s. This guy always shows up when we’re never home. He waits for you to leave. They’re gone, man. Let me try that door and see if it’s open. He’s the laziest Jehovah’s Witness. I’m going to wait until they leave. He puts his badge on at the last minute. This is like you if you were in organized religion. Jehovah’s Witness. Oh, I would, yeah. I’m going to wait until they’re all gone, and then I’ll go to the door. They’re gone again. I tried. Brother, I tried. I swear. And, you know. All over their goddamn wing doorbell right there. I tried. And, you know, election time is coming up, which is fine. And, you know, please vote for whoever you like. Please do whatever you do.As you know, we do not do politics on this show. Right, right. It’s none of our business. Don’t listen to us anyway. What do we know? We only do stock tips. Yes, yes. And bar mitzvah tips. And bar mitzvah tips, too. Yeah. And so we all kind of got home at the same time tonight, and we’re taking it easy. And I hear the doorbell like ding, ding. I’m like, what the hell? All I can see is bushy hair out in the door. Like, what the fuck? Is this some girl with some bad freaking hair day? I’m like, is this like one of Bob’s ex-girlfriends at the door? And I come out and I’m like, God damn, it’s that guy. He finally showed up when you were there. Yeah.It was Eli Wallach. And he goes, who called? Blondie. Blondie. Blondie. Yeah. Mosley Van Cleef. Okay. So anyway, so he’s got, you know, a political thing in his hand. He’s like, hey, how you doing, buddy? I’m like, yeah, I’m doing good. I’m doing good. What’s going on there? You know. He’s like, oh, well, I really wanted to talk to Mrs. Lament and give her this political bullshit. Not lament title. I’m sorry. If my wife’s up there, there’s going to be problems. I’m dreaming that your wife lives with me. I’m sorry. That’s a different story. That’s a different story. Yeah, let’s not talk about that. Yeah, I’m sure she would not be down with that. No, I don’t think so. Yeah, she’d be like, please kill me.I’m going to kill your dog. Yeah. I was like more like slants of the lambs basically. Yeah. I’m going to kill your dog. And he’s like, I’m sorry. He’s like, yeah, I want to talk to, you know, your wife. Really? Let me talk to the decision maker in this house. It’s not my, well, fuck. I’m not. I know that. So did you give up your wife? Did you say, Oh, wait a minute. No, no. Oh, thank God. I always go, she’s not here. No, no, no, no. I did one better. I go, oh, I’m sorry. She’s dead. You really? You told him? I, hand to God, hand to God, I straight face. I’m like, I’m sorry, my wife’s dead. Yeah, she passed away about a month ago. He’s like, oh, it’s a tragedy. Well, okay, let me mark it off my phone here. They never tell me these things when I go to the door. They should really mark you guys off for not being dead and stuff. All right, well, we’ll see you later. Bye.He skips away. It’s like Mr. Bill or something. Yeah, I come back in. I tell my wife. We’re all laughing. I thought later, I’m like, shit, you may not be able to vote now because they’re going to punch you down in bed. Sorry. I told my husband that she was dead. I’m like, wait a minute. This isn’t Illinois, for Christ’s sake. You can’t have dead people voting here. For Christ’s sake. You know, the weird part, though, which is… It has nothing to do with this, but a long, long, long time ago in high school, I was in this horrible wreck, and I had to lay up for quite a while. And a couple of friends had come to the door to see me at my house, and my dad told my friends that I had died. I’m like, oh, my God. Yeah, his mother hasn’t got over it, but I seem to be fine. I’m like, oh, my God, I’ve become him. Holy shit.I’m like, this is his joke. I’m just continuing on. Did he let them walk away? Yes. No, no. He told them. He’s like, Miles, huh? He didn’t make it. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know what happens. Tuco got him. Angel Eyes got him. So I don’t know. Now I’m afraid. I’m afraid something bad’s going to happen to my wife. She won’t be able to do something. I’ll be like, hey. She’s going to go vote. It says here you’re deceased. You died on the shitter, we hear. Yeah, just like Elvis. Your husband’s dead. I don’t know what prompted that or what made me say that. It was like the Terminator where he’s got a thing of answers. Hey, was that a dead cat in there? He’s like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Fuck off, asshole. That was me like, do-do-do-do-do-do.Like, no, we’re not interested. Yes, I’ll go get her. Yeah. Wow. Well, at least she didn’t have to go talk to him. Yeah. So then she’s like, you know, letting everyone know what happened. I’m like, hey, don’t tell everyone you’re dead. You got to keep getting all these calls. Are you dead? I heard your husband tell the political guy you’re dead. I know her employer’s going to send flowers or something now and be like, oh, shit. Yeah, really? Well, we gave her job away. Sorry. All right. She’s been missing. I don’t know where she is. I heard she was dead. The fuzzy-headed political guy said so. Well, I mean, I thought she was dead. That’s as good as a death certificate to me. She was sleeping. Oh, my gosh. What is that?Are you losing some of your cognitive abilities here? Yeah, I can see where this is headed. I’m like, oh, fuck. I’m going to end up in the home like the old man, not knowing anybody. Well, you never know. Yeah. Could be closer than you think. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/10/19/greasy-pollster/” title=”Greasy Pollster” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/10/19/greasy-pollster/”