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Author: Bob LeMent

The strange and humorous happenings in the lives of two US Midwesterners.
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Episode 32
Monday, 3 August, 2026

Bob fears for his life while crossing a bridge, while Miles closes in on his life’s goal of 85 Bears autographs. GAMES, like old school games, play a few with the Static Radio twist here – https://www.staticradio.com/category/games/ Subscribe Random Show Click Below https://youtube.com/live/FjfGhjv-Xjc Bob fears for his life while crossing a bridge, while Miles closes in on his life’s goal of 85 Bears autographs. Auto Park Bad AI Transcript around here do do do do do do do do What is the issue? you’re muted if you didn’t know it. can you hear me miles because uh it seems like uh you’re muted there. We started the show. I know you can’t unmute yourself, probably. nope there he goes. Ah, my goodness, the technical difficulties. Hey, Xander, how are you doing tonight? Oh, there he is. There’s that Miles right there. I’m waiting for Miles to say something. Oh, Xander’s doing great. Thank you, Xander. I’ll just read the chats. Miles is having troubles unmuting himself because he didn’t restart his phone again tonight. Probably. Anyway, we were just talking about Randy Newman before we started. Yeah, you and your balls. There we go. What the hell happened? Fat finger?I was smoking a dupe with Xander. Yeah. Okay. We got a little bit out of time. Yeah. I’m really fucked up. You fat fingered it, didn’t you? Oh, man. We were smoking some dupes. How’s it going, Miles? Good. Doing good. Miles Tiles, Static Radio. Hey, Bob, how do you say the seal pushed me in French? How do I say what? In the French language, how do you say the seal pushed me? The seal pushed me. That’s a good question. I don’t know for sure. You want me to look it up, or do you have a joke for this? Look it up sometime. Yeah, it’s funny. Oh, I thought it was going to be a joke. No, it’s not a joke. No, it just sounds like F my pussy is what it sounds like. It says Le Chant.Yeah. That’s the seal pushed me. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Gotcha. I thought you’d like what what do you like sit around all day typing in shit to see what you’re like oh i wonder i wonder if i can make something dirty in another language. And I have. It works. No, I saw it. This is the best use of artificial intelligence that there ever was. Gemini, give me some French sayings. English sayings in French, they sound dirty. Miles, there is one dirty word that you might want to know. He pushed me. Sorry. Where did you get that? I have my sources. I have my sources. Like third grade stuff. I have my sources. I’m not revealing. My friend Steve told it to me. Steve? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Well, I don’t have anything as good as that, but… Yeah. I do have a slightly…humorous story for you. We can only hope. It’s not about any seals or anything, just to be honest with you. No wildlife whatsoever. I know Miles is going to find this odd, but I do occasionally go out to lunch with people. I don’t find that odd. You always say that I’m very antisocial. you allow like maybe 10 people into your life and i’m one of them. Yeah. And, uh, which i don’t know if that’s good or bad but you’re on a watch list now. Yeah. Um, so, uh, we were going uh into the city to have some lunch with some other people a small group of people And I have a friend who’s… She’s retired. She’s a bit older than I am. And we worked together probably for, I don’t know, 15, 20 years or something. And anyway, so she’s like… She got a new car. And she goes, I’m going to drive us to lunch. Normally, I drive, right? Yeah. Because…She doesn’t really like to drive that much. But she got this new Lexus. A Chevy Volt. No, a fancy Lexus car, right? Ooh. Yeah, very, very nice, right? Yeah. So, you know, she comes, gets me, and we’re going to head into the city. And there’s a lot of construction this time of year. I don’t know. I think I asked this question a couple weeks ago. Nobody ever gave me a good answer. But why… There’s always construction in the summertime when parts of the country really don’t get that cold. Couldn’t there be construction all year round? I mean, here, I mean, it doesn’t get cold until, like, December. Anyway, why do they got to do it all in the summertime is what I’m saying. Doesn’t some things have to set, though, when it gets warmer? Oh, Mr. Science, hey. No, it doesn’t. Yeah, it doesn’t. Yeah.I think it’s warm enough for concrete to cure. Well, I don’t… You’ve never worked construction like I did, so I don’t really… What? This is news to me. You work construction? You’re talking out of your ass. You’re talking out of your ass. You know what? Put a quarter in your ass because you just played yourself, okay? All right? I worked construction one summer, okay? So screw you. What were you, like, the sign holder? Stop. No, I… helped with a giant erection. I put it up and uh okay i don’t really want to talk about it anymore. So you, when you mean construction, you mean the gay porn industry? Yeah. Yeah. I was a pluffer for many years. Okay. yeah I put up a metal building down in Beaumont. Oh, okay. Like one of those, uh, pole barns or something. Yeah. It was an addition to like an auto shop or something.Oh, wow. Interesting. I did not know this. It’s brand new information to me. It was the summer of 1985. And they said, these metal buildings, you can’t put them up if it’s below 50 degrees. And it ain’t Texas, it ain’t. Oh, my God. Anyway, we’re going into the city. There’s a bunch of bridge work going on. Literally, in this country, all of our bridges are falling. And so now they’re like, hey, before… Another 100 people die in a bridge accident. Let’s replace bridges. I think that’s what happened. Anyway, so we’re going into the city and we got to go across the bridge and it’s down to one lane or actually it was two lanes, but there usually is like three lanes and they’re like really tiny lanes, like barely one car fits in a lane kind of thing. And you’re like weaving, you know what I mean? It’s not a straight line. It’s like, okay, you’re going to be on these two lanes and you’re going to go on those two lanes.and she’s like super nervous. Driving a brand new car across the bridge of these tiny lanes. And then she, she has for her uh if she gets a text. It plays, uh, a trumpet sound. It’s the beginning of girls on film it’s like announcing like somebody’s coming into a a ball or something. And so we’re driving across the bridge. She keeps getting texts and she keeps jumping oh god visibly visibly jumping in her seat while these, and i’m like, I’m like, she has a daughter. I go, is that your daughter? She’s like, No, no. And I go, what? She goes, all my texts make that sound. Oh, God. How annoying. Jesus. It keeps going off, and she keeps twitching. And I swear to God, we were going to just, like, in these little lanes, we were going to go over and, like, hit another car or clip something because she kept weaving every time. And she’d be, like, jumping. Oh, my gosh. Was she trying to read them as well? No, no, she wasn’t.scared the shit out of her every time the phone went off. So then you secretly tried to text her like… Yeah, no. I thought about it, but she was so nervous. And then we get to lunch and we come back. All the way back, same thing. Every time she gets a text. And I’m like, I could have drove. Marge, I should have drove. Yeah, and she’s like, oh no. I thought… I didn’t want you drove last time. Like, don’t worry about, Oh my God. She was just cracking me up. I thought we were going to swerve into oncoming traffic or something because of the stupid text. So what was it? I don’t know. She just kept getting them. She’s on all these, she’s an old woman on all these threads with people, you know, pre yarn, you know,updating her OnlyFans or something. That’s right. She’s getting requests. She’s like, Miles Tyler, he’s wanting me to send foot pictures. I will see you naked in that Lexus right now. Right now. Up on the hood. So, but I was just like, it was scary at first, and then once we got back, it was kind of funny, you know? I want you to dance around like Taunted Catane in that one song. You can do it. here i go yeah here’s another text so but anyway, it was just so weird and i couldn’t believe that uh here we go again like why don’t you just change the thing i can’t yeah because my grandson set this up for me and i don’t know how to change it.change. It’ll be so heartbroken. He died of lupus. Oh my god. But I just was like, Oh my gosh, we’re gonna wreck on the bridge and uh yeah but anyway we made it okay. But oh, yeah, this poor woman was frazzled by the time we got back for lunch the magic school bus. although the funny thing was she’s a very proper uh lady but at lunch she told this filthy joke. Oh, okay. All right. I like a filthy joke. Yeah. Which was a little bit out of character. So, and the terrible thing was i was the only, I was the only guy at lunch. Wait a minute. She didn’t say, Hey, do you want to see my mouse tattoo? Do you? No, no. She didn’t say that. because that’s like the filthiest joke i’ve ever heard a woman pal Well,No, I’ve never heard that one. Do you want to tell it? A woman says to you, do you want to see my mouse tattoo? And you’re like, sure. And she starts unbuttoning her pants and looks down and says, oop, my pussy must have ate it. Who told you that joke? Some unknown woman at my nephew’s wedding a long time ago. Did she actually unbutton her pants? She started to. I’m like, what the… I had no idea who this woman was. She had crashed the party. I was outside with all the smokers, and she’s like, wants to know my name and where I’m staying. And she says, I did not know this was a joke coming. I’m like, oh, okay. Well, didn’t she tell you she won a contest putting quarters up her hoo-ha, did she? No, we didn’t get that far into it because I saw…My brother-in-law was eavesdropping, so I had to kind of cut it off. Like, you know, I got to go. I don’t know. Well, you know, I am good in tight spaces. I can find that mouse for you if you want. My name’s Bob Lamatt. So if you’re ever in St. Louis sometime. No, she said, okay, this woman goes to the doctor. And she says, doctor, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The doctor goes, oh, my. What are you doing for that sniffing pepper Wow the women laughed, right? Oh, gosh, yes. They thought it was hilarious. Now, had you told that joke? Yeah, I would have, yeah. but You would have gotten crickets like i was the only guy at the lunch there was supposed to be other you know there’s supposed to be other people there, but well i was the only guy at lunch. I mean, you do look like a middle-aged woman woman somewhat from the back, so i mean. Yeah, I appreciate that. I’m just saying. That’s just because i like to wear mom jeans orYeah, like that stretchy belly thing in front. I like to wear maternity clothes after lunch. I like the stretchy jeans in the front and the big shirt with the easy boob access. He’s getting his pumps out. Hold on. So what’s going on with you? Well, I didn’t have all that excitement, unfortunately. But you have heard. Yeah, it’s not going to be nearly as funny as that. I traveled with my wife to Chicago. And yes, to get an autograph. I know we haven’t had an autograph story in some time. Oh, an autograph. Let me guess. Was this… An autograph from a famous newscaster. No. A famous, a famous, uh, documentarian. Uh, you know, but if it was Dan Rather, I think I’d go see him though. Cause I’d be like, I go, could you write what’s the frequency Kenneth? That’s right. What’s the frequency Kenneth? I would have. And, uh, he goes, he sounded just like you. Yeah. And I have two items. I usually get signed and, uh,I could not find one of the items. Are you talking about your moves separately or what? I push them together, and it’s one. It’s one. The only one’s in the chair. And, no, I have a jacket and a ball I have signed, and I could not find the jacket. I had not packed before I went. I’m sorry. Hurry up. I’m getting packed. My wife’s ready to go. She’s like, I’m going to be in the car. I’m like, whoa. Hold on. You literally have not packed all the way to the last moment. Right. Oh, hey, I’m going to get an autograph. I probably should get my stuff together. This was not my only mistake in the whole project. I’m almost tearful because I cannot find it. Where’s my jacket? But I found it.Oh, where was it? Under the bed? It was exactly where I thought it was. You have to go through an emotional breakdown every time you leave to get the sign. Oh, my God. I felt embarrassed for myself. I’m like, Jesus. It was way too much. She’s out in the car. She’s, you know. Beeping, beep, beep, beep. A quarter tank of gas burned. Yeah, because we had a, you know, We like to stay at my niece’s house. We went there. I don’t say mooch. I like to say leech. I don’t say mooch. I say leech. I had to get up early the next morning and go into the Chicago area to something called the National, which is up by O’Hare Airport. My second mistake was I had not really researched certain aspects of this.Like parking or what? Parking. Number one, parking. You go into Chicago. Yeah. In the city. Mm hmm. Number one thing is to figure out where the F you’re going to park. That was a mistake. Number one. Yes. Cause you could easily pay like $50 to park for like an hour. Uh, it was 20 bucks for, for the whole thing. Oh, how long was that? We were there for about four hours. Oh, that’s a deal. That’s a steal in the downtown. And, uh, we were not very close and you had to walk through kind of like this rat maze to get to the building. There’s like these walkways between the hotels on it. And I’ll say, so that’s mistake. Number one mistake. Number two.When we got there, you have to get your wristband, and I had prepaid for these wristbands. So we get those, and I go, okay, where is the will call booth? Because that’s where my tickets are that I’ve prepaid. Gotcha. I don’t know. Everyone that works there is just like me. I don’t know. Go ask the guy in the green jacket over there. I don’t know. Where’d you, where’d you park at? Oh, so like a fool, I apparently, uh, I didn’t know this, but all this information was actually on their website. I found out. Oh, I’m sure it was. So after about the fifth person, I finally, he’s like, yeah, it’s in this big room. You go all the way back, all the way back, take a right. Okay. And, uh, okay. So,You know, another mistake is made. So parking mistake, not knowing where the will call booth is. And I mean, you’re not, you know, Mr. Walk around a lot. No, I am not. I’m more Mr. Hover around. I was going to say, are you, I mean, at this point, are you huffing and puffing and like holding your leg or what? Yes, it was like that. So like half the people there look like me. Like an old fart, you know, limping around. Yeah. Yeah, basically. And then the other half looked like my youngest son, Baby Bo Seep, you know, like huge. So I get the call. There’s like 30 people ahead of me. Line is not moving. I’m like, oh. Well, yeah, because the other guy is like, well, did you have proof that you purchased it? Oh, yeah, I know.So I finally get my tickets and then, you know, you’re going to get a picture with the star. Who was that? Can you tell us? It was Phyllis Diller. And, um, no, it was not. Was it in her casket or what? I mean, is she like Lennon in a casket in the middle of a room or something? Yeah. No. Like the old bits playing on a tape recorder next to her? No. It was a former bear, Mr. Michael Singletary. Oh, really? Michael Singletary? Really? Yes. I even recognize who that is. And Samurai. And like, well, you got to wait for the pictures now. You can’t even get in line for it. I’m like, oh. A lot of waiting. A lot of spending money and waiting here. That’s where the whole, yeah. If you don’t like that, don’t do this. Okay. I love paying a lot of money to stand around. Uh, basically that’s what it was. And so, uh, like different stars are coming out and taking pictures with people. I go, no, that’s not him. That’s not him. Kevin McHale comes out and kind of waves to everyone. And I think Mel Renfro from the, uh,Cowboys was there. So finally, he comes out. He’s on his cell phone. What, did you get your picture taken while he’s on his cell phone? That would have been funny. No, the line is not open yet. Oh, okay. No, I mean, he’s literally on the cell phone call for like two to three minutes. I’m like, okay. I don’t want to be rude like Bob Lament, but… I don’t know if you’re messing with me, but, uh, taking this call at another time, sir. Yeah. You know, cause I was making all these jokes like, Oh, they’re calling him about his car warranty or, you know, he’s ordering a pizza. You know, everyone’s laughing. Jovial fat man. And he finally gets done. I don’t got only know. I mean, I hope it wasn’t an emergency or anything, but you know, I got my picture with him, which is very nice. Was he still on the phone?No, he finally hung up after about 200 minutes. Oh, he finally hung up. Okay, gotcha. But I have no idea what that was about. I’m like, at least if you’re going to do that… You’re going to have to come up with this next gig where you get paid $200 to stand there for two seconds with a bunch of old fat men. Well, yeah, but they pay. I mean, me, I would have stayed behind the curtain for a little bit longer if I was me. He’s comfortable. He’s like, ah, fuck these guys. Yeah. And, uh, who got the locker room pick? Come on, let’s go. You and your, just your jock, Mr. Title. Well, weird, but no, he was very nice. And then, uh, I got the autographs, which are in a different location and, uh, same guy or a different guy. It’s the same guy. Yeah. Oh, well you couldn’t get your autograph while you’re getting your picture. No, no.he seems just so like uh restrictive you would have loved it. Well, that’s your style. you’ve been like, it’s very, you know, done a certain way and one way only. And that’s like, you would enjoy yeah the routine of uh being you know and it was it was interesting uh not really much to say about that, but the so while i was waiting, some poor guy, like a little bit older than me, who had I also had a stroke recently. He was talking to me, and I kind of felt bad for him. Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say Michael Derry farted while you were getting ready. No, he was very nice. I felt bad, but I’m like… I just got off with my gastroenterologist, and I got all these farts, man. I can’t help it. Yeah, he’s like, hey, do you know where I can go get some crickets? They’re over there. Okay. Okay.I felt bad for him. Is that the stroke guy? Is that your stroke guy in person? I felt bad for him. No, I mean, he was a nice guy. I mean, luckily you weren’t there because I know how you make fun of people. I’m like, okay. Yeah, I make fun of him. At this point, my wife had left me. She’s like, I’m out of here. I’m going to the lobby. This is too much bullshit. I’m like, okay. Yeah, no kidding. I can’t believe she stuck me that far. I can’t believe she made it past the parking lot phase. Oh, yeah. We got into a huge fight in the parking lot. You dumb son of a bitch. You don’t know where to park, do you i’m like uh no you know they probably sent me five emails with all the information. Yeah, I know. I deleted all that. I don’t check my emails. We had like a two minute blow up there. Yeah, it was not good. Yeah. You dumb son of a bitch.So what’s this bring your number down to now? So Miles is getting all the autographs from all the surviving. 85 Bears. I’m down to 10 names. Are all those people dead? Of the surviving members of the team. Gotcha. So there’s 10 still alive at this moment. There’s three I will never get because they are deceased. You can just fake them. Yeah, I just make them up anyway. So anyway, I’m going to leave. And the very end of the story here is that there’s like a separate section for like Hollywood stars. Oh, really? And I don’t really see anyone, but I do see one guy there. I go, oh, this guy is… Deep Roy. Is what? Deep Roy. Deep Roy. Yeah, no, it was not Deep Roy. No, I was not very impressed with Deep Roy. No, it was Ari Lehman. Lehman? From Pride of the 13th, the original Jason. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. And I had a nice talk with him. Seemed like a very nice gentleman. Did you get his autograph? Yeah, I got merch. I bought merch. Oh, wow. Did you buy a mask? No, he wasn’t selling it.He had hot sauce um To me, I guess it makes a little bit of sense. Yeah. The hot sauce is a little tangential. Yeah. I didn’t know the tie-in to that. I did not ask. That’s interesting. Okay. But the last part I will say was that the person assisting him turns out to be someone that I’ve seen on YouTube before. I was more interested in meeting the assistant than I was the star. Did he volunteer to help at the show? They’re friends. Oh, they’re friends. So he’s like, hey, I’ll come handle your money or whatever, right? Yeah. No, I didn’t know these guys were friends. I was like, oh, wow. I go, no, I’ve seen you on YouTube many times. You occasionally show up on a program I watch. That’s cool. Yeah.The Real Housewives of Glendale. No, it’s Watches This With Me and My Wife, but Faces of the Forgotten. Faces of the Forgotten. Hosted by Mr. Ron Carlson. Oh, okay. He visits cemeteries and tells stories, but this guy… The tagline is, no place cheaper to visit than a cemetery. Hey, it’s free. Nature… Nature. Yep. Dead people. Go to the bathroom outside. All of it. All of it. Metal detecting. Oh, there you go. Yeah. So it’s all no i was no but i don’t know how many knee replacements i found in this place? Plenty. Plenty. You like gold teeth? That’s horrible. No, it’s a joke. Come on, we’re joking. You like gold teeth. Well, people had them at one time. So did you get your flat football signed too? I did not bring that. I have a regular football and my chaquette. My chaquette gets signed. So it was very rewarding. I enjoyed it. Did you have to pay twice for those two things? Yep.So you can’t just say, I’m here, you can sign them both at the same time for one price? No, separate. Everything costs. You know, come on, Chicago, everything costs. You know that. You should have got the attendant at the parking garage to sign your ticket for you. Well, if there was such thing as an attendant at the parking garage, I would have… Maybe, but there doesn’t seem to be such thing. I know, it’s all… Automated now. So, yeah. So good time. Good time. When you’re going back? When number 10 shows up. Who’s number 10? I don’t know. I got 10 more names to go. Oh, and one of the 10, I got you. Yeah. I thought number 10 was the jersey number for some reason. I’m like, who’s number 10? No, what screwed me up was that there was two more I needed the next day, but I’m like, I can’t come back here a second day, man. I got to get back. You got to get the coin for this one.Had I got everything signed twice by all three of those guys, I’d have been close to $600. I know. That’s why your wife went with you. Yes. Put on the brakes. Yeah. Hit the brakes. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/08/03/auto-park/” title=”Auto Park” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/08/03/auto-park/” ——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-