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Scouser Gates
Episode 43
Monday, 26 October, 2026

Bob gets surrounded by Josh Gates look-alikes at a Josh Gates appearance, while Miles gets served nachos from Harry Potter in the deep suburbs of Chicago. GAMES, like old-school games, play a few with the Static Radio twist here – https://www.staticradio.com/category/games/ Subscribe Random Show Click Below https://youtube.com/live/WfCzknOjFtE Static Radio – Scouser Gates Bob gets surrounded by Josh Gates look-alikes at a Josh Gates appearance, while Miles gets served nachos from Harry Potter in the deep suburbs of Chicago. Scouser Gates Bad AI Transcript Let’s turn this up a little bit. Oh, my talk is slow. Welcome to Static. This is Miles. Are you sure? Yes. one of these days you’re gonna get on here and you’re not gonna know who you are. I have this feeling I have the like you’re you’re gonna lose your marbles like all in like a weekend. I believe it yeah you’re gonna come and you’re like, I don’t even know how I got here. Yeah. You’re right. I’m already getting like that. I’m already getting like that shot well between that and, you know, multiple doctor visits. mm-hmm so you know, and you like going to for a colonoscopy like every year and a half or something, you know. I think you’re supposed to have it every year and a half right now 18 like a 18-month rotation no you’re not. Like every 10 years. Oh. Well, who the hell is that guy i’ve been going to that’s right who is that?He doesn’t even have any equipment. Just give Linda your $50 and come on back. Listen, kid, I don’t have time. I don’t have time. He always wears that gray alien mask. I don’t know what’s going on. Hey, speaking of adventures. Yes, yes. A segue, yes. Speaking of adventures, I had a slight adventure, as much of an adventure as an old white man could have this weekend. Yeah. I flew over to Thailand. No, I went to see. I’m the most falling for it. I’m like, what, really? What? We went to see Josh Gates. Oh, I just saw a blurb on that up in Peoria or something, right? Up in Peoria. That’s right. Cool. Yeah. Peoria. And went and saw the Josh Gates extravaganza. I don’t know what he calls it. Josh Gates, I’m here. Josh Gates, I’m taking a break from traveling. I don’t know what the name of the show was, honestly. Cool. Cool.Yeah, so we just drove there and back, and I kept going. So my son saw this a while back, and he kind of mentioned it, and then I think he was going to go with some friends, and they’re all like, who’s Josh Gates? Of course. And then he was telling us about that, and my wife was like, well, I’ll go. Yeah. And then I’m like, I guess I’m going, right? Yeah. And they’re like, well, it’s in Peoria. And I go, oh, we got to get a hotel. I can’t. Yeah, right. No, neither one of them. No, no, we don’t need a hotel. No, no. That was over the weekend? Yeah, it was on Saturday. Oh, wow. That’s really cool. So we drove all the way up to Peoria, which is like two and a half hours or something, maybe a little bit.more depending on who’s driving. And, uh, and drove back all in a day and in between had the dinner and saw josh gates live. You were just in Peoria. I know. That’s the weird thing, right? Isn’t that how things go, right? You just yeah weird like get into these things where it’s like, yeah. Well, first of all, The best part of the night was we got free parking. That’s not too hard. Okay. That’s not too hard. Okay. No, I don’t think it’s too hard. Okay. Well, because we stayed at that hotel and we noticed that none of the parking gates were working and none of the machinery was functioning. So we just parked there. Yeah. Right. Right. And it has a skywalk over to the convention center thing or whatever it’s called. Mm-hmm.The Peoria, everyone, you know, Peoria Huddle House right there. But the weird thing was, so we drove up and we went to Monocle’s, which, of course, is one of my favorite things, right? Oh, yeah, that little shopping center, yeah. No, Monocle’s, the pizza place. Yeah, it’s a little shopping thing, yeah. Well, we went to the one in Morton. Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know if you’ve been to that one. It is in the shopping center as well, but I had some delicious Monocle’s pizza, which actually you and I had one time, I remember. It’s right by a big thrift store. Yeah, it was. You’re right. Yeah, that’s where we ate, yeah. Oh, well, anyway, it was very good, although I will say not the speediest service. Yeah. Food was really, really good.But our lady who was supposed to be taking care of us seemed to disappear for long periods of time. I don’t know what was going on. Oh, Mel? Yeah. And then a couple of times I saw her coming out of the kitchen eating. Your food. Maybe she had it. Maybe that’s what took so long. She ate my pizza and then had to go make another one. Wait, did she make eye contact and, like, turn around and, like, run away? Yeah. Like, oh, shit. Like, oh, no, I’m eating a salad. We’re still waiting. Is that my salad? No. In the meantime, there was, like, three other – because this place was busy. I mean, it was really – it was packed, and it was busy. Yeah, yeah. And there was, like, three other waitress people, and they were buzzing around like little bees, giving everybody everything. And then they’re like, you know, what the hell? We got, you know –sally slow-mo over here eating pizza in the back. Another mess up. Everybody take us live. So, you know and then and then it’s getting to where we’re having to make a decision. You know, we get our food and everything and then we ask for the check right like after she brings the food. We’re like, we’ll take the check yeah and then the check sits there. Because she doesn’t come pick it up. And it’s getting to be time where we need to hustle. Right, right, yeah. And then this whole big, like, you know, damn family comes in and heads back to the rumpus room. Yeah. And guess who follows them? Oh, I’m here to help you tonight. I’m like, oh, we’re never going to get out of here. And so my wife’s like, I’m just taking it to the front. Oh, ballsy.Yeah. So she just took it up front and we paid up front rather than having her come pick it up. So I’m like, okay, I mean, that’s breaking protocol, but, uh, was she wearing her next generation uh workout no no she was not for this event. Although then we, uh, we, we head over to the free parking spot in the, uh, hotel garage, uh, And, um, there’s like people everywhere. There’s all these people. And I’m like, holy moly, this thing must really be popular oh yeah i’m like this is this is crazy well uh it wasn’t that popular really yeah two they had two things going on. There was a hockey game and the josh gates thing on the same night in different parts of this big building.And I’m like, it was two of the widest audiences. They all looked like they could go to either one. I’m thinking half the people had like those stupid Indiana Jones hats. Yes, they did. And with vests. And the others had hockey jerseys and baseball caps probably. And so we thought it was like all for this thing. But then the guards are yelling, hockey people stay to the left and keep going. And the rest of you nerdy bastards. All you nerds go in here. I just met all these wannabe people dressed up like Indiana Jones. There was quite a few people with the hat. And so we get in, you know, and it was probably about half full-ish, I would say. Um, certainly the, the main level was half full. That’s where we were at. And then they had like upper levels, which there was nobody up there so yeah and uh and so yeah and yes there were people with the hats and the crazy thing was, it’s like everybody was either in the front or in the back and the middle was just kind of empty. Yeah. I was like, well, that’s,That’s interesting. I mean, there’s your demographic, right? The people who are so into it, they got to get in the front row. Which is you. No, I was in the back. Or cheap bastards like me who are sitting in the back because those were the cheaper tickets. Which are still like $60 or something. Right, they’re still like $60, exactly. So then the other thing is we get in, you know, and the row we have to go in… I want to put a plea out there to anybody who’s making an auditorium. I know it cuts into your profits, but always, always, always have a center aisle. No. This thing is like side to side, solid chairs. Yeah. There’s only two side aisles. And of course, when you get there and there’s a whole like fucking family right there at the end. Of course. Then we have to climb over.Ha ha ha ha ha. and so we’re like, okay, here we go. Right. And so we, you know, we’re kind of towards the middle, I guess. And so we’re going down the row and there’s like, I don’t know, there’s had to be like eight of them or something like that. Well, everybody gets up, but this old guy, he doesn’t get up. I’m not getting up for you you dumb he rude the day that he did not get up. Oh, grandpa. So I’m like, You know, these size 12 feet cannot fit down this fucking aisle shuffling sideways without a little bit of space. And I stepped fully, and I mean fully, on both of his fucking feet. Oh, you bastard. This guy had to be like a bad diabetic or something because he didn’t even make a noise. Yeah.I’m like, sorry, sorry. And I’m like, crunch, crunch. Oh, my God. I mean, you weigh like 400 pounds. That’s better. I felt his toenails crackling. Yeah, he’s probably a tough guy. I was a nom. Yeah, he was tough then. I don’t know. I’m assuming he was like neuropathy is like. severe or something. I was on pork chop hill god damn it. I could take a fat guy walk across my feet. I’ve still got a bullet in my butt cheek. Yeah. We make our way down to our seats and we sit down and amazingly enough, my butt fit in the seat, but my shoulders, along with my rest of my family, my wife and my son We’re like the front line of the Bears or whatever. Right, right. Yeah, I know. I’ve been there. Yes, I know what you’re talking about. We’re like crammed in there. Our shoulders are like all… And so I’m like, we’ll just wait a little. It’s not going to fill up. You know what I mean? We’re a little early, but it’s not going to fill up. We’ll spread out, right? And so then it gets to be…you know, the screen has a countdown thing and it’s got a whole bunch of stuff going on. But anyway, it gets to be time like a minute till or whatever. Oh, we’ll show time. Hey everybody. And, uh, a guy comes in and he got the hat down a little ways, just not next to me, but just a little seat or so over close enough. And then there’s nobody on the other side of him for a while to the middle. Yeah. And so we’re like, okay, home free. We’re going to spread out here. Right. Yeah. So then, uh, my son’s like, you know, giving me the, Hey, tell him, tell him to scoot down. I’m like, I don’t, I’m like, I’m sorry. So I don’t talk to people.He’s not joking, people. He’s not even joking. You do it. And so he leans out and he goes, hey, buddy, did you move down? The guy goes, oh, yeah, no problem. So he moves down. At the same time, we all get up to move down to have some room. His weird ass buddy comes in with nachos and is tromping down the aisle. Miles Jr. Yeah. He’s like this. i moved down and i sit and he sits right fucking next to me Oh, no. Here’s the weird thing. He left his seat between him and his buddy and sat next to me. Yeah. oh that poor bastard I can’t move now. And there’s only one. If I move, then I’m back in, you know, shoulder territory. Excuse me. I don’t like people. Could you please move please I cheaped out on these seats and I don’t like people. I was longing while we were waiting for the show to start to go up to the balcony. Yeah. I was like, oh man, we should have got balcony seats. Nobody up there yeahSo anyway, I had to watch the show shoulder to shoulder with this guy slopping down nachos who turns out to be the biggest Josh Gates fan there ever was. As soon as it hits the stage, Josh Gates! Josh Gates! Don’t say that when I’m taking a drink, okay? I just about spit that out. Jesus. He’s like, Josh! He’s waving his arms. Josh! oh my god and i’m like i’m like you know i was jealous at first, but now that i’m hearing this story, I’m like, I’m so glad i didn’t know about this. Now, finally he settles in, you know, and josh does his bit. You know what i mean? It was really just a clip show, but josh gates was hosting the clip show.From all the different things he’s done, right? He’s a very good speaker. There’s no doubt about it, right? He’s very good at that and obviously very practiced and everything. So the last thing here is it’s supposed to be like a paranormal thing. So he’s talking about scary places he’s been and so forth, like the island of Baal. Oh, yeah. He shows a clip from that and he shows all this kind of stuff. So anyway, to do a setup, though, he’s talking about he was read a story. And he’s like, I don’t think anybody remembers this, but I vividly remember my mother reading me a story about this pair of empty pants that was scaring children. Right? Yeah. And he goes, does anybody know this story? My wife. Yes! Yes! Oh, God.Now she’s wearing a hat. Yeah, now she’s got a hat on. And he goes, oh, one person. And he acknowledges her craziness. Oh. Because it is a story, and I can’t remember the actual name of the book, but it’s the pale green pants with nobody inside of them. It’s a Dr. Seuss story. And we used to read it to our children when they were little because they loved it. I’ve never heard this. You never heard it? No. He goes… He goes, it’s like this kid’s walking through the, you know, at night and there’s this pale green pants with nobody inside him that’s following him. And it’s scaring him, right? There’s a pair of pale green pants with nobody inside. Anyway, it’s a Dr. Seuss book and we read it to our kids like a lot. And so my wife was just all, you know.thrilled that you mentioned that and she knew about it. Nobody else did, apparently. I don’t know what’s going on. No one there reads, apparently. Yes, she was certainly the loudest. And then the last thing is we got this show, so I was worried. We should have climbed over in the next row because it was fairly empty, but I was afraid of injuring myself. And the row ahead of that, there was this guy who This is your future and my future. I watched it on Saturday night. There’s this guy who’s like weeble wobbling around down the aisle up there. And he went from one side to the other. Because it’s all one big fucking aisle. They don’t have a middle aisle. One big row of seats. He’s wobbling all the way over. And behind him is his wife carrying his walker. Oh, jeez.he he did two laps and my son’s like, does he really need this? What’s going on with this walker guy? I’m like, I don’t know, man. I go, Oh, this poor wife is having to lug this freaking walker back and forth in the seats i’m like there goes miles. I want to i think our sheets are over here he’s doing this for the free parking. Yeah. Good thing we got season passes. Josh Gates, my favorite. You look like she’s like, kill me. Somebody kill me. If you can’t walk, why are you a walker? But anyway, Josh Gates did a really good job of hosting this thing. It wasn’t overly scary because it was like there’s little kids and stuff. And so He, uh, but it was interesting and, uh, he did Q and a, which was even more, you know, somewhat more interesting. I think I could have done with a little more Q and a few less clips myself, but, uh, yeah, I did not ask any questions because you really had to like, you know, be down there. You know what I mean? If you want to get in line for a question, did you ever get it on with writer? Yeah, that would be good. Now there was one guy with a question and he goes,We were laughing afterwards, unfortunately, because there’s these little kids that ask these incredibly quick questions. What’s your favorite cryptid and why? And he answered the question. And then there was this old guy. He’s like, you know Civil War? Oh, Jesus. I like the Civil War. And you know the ghost in the Civil War? Uh-huh. And you had that episode with the ghost that popped up? Uh-huh. It was so awkward. But he was a pro, and he did not take advantage of the old man’s inabilities to tie words together. Words not good make sense. That makes, yeah, a ghost look. let me take off my hat and ask the question that’s right oh god he did make a statement for somebody. He’s a nice hat. So it was. Yeah. God, it had to be annoying. Like Jesus Christ. But anyway, I, you know, I feel bad because it wasn’t a full packed house, but i’m sure he made his money. So. Yeah. You know, it was a lot of money.I spent $200 watching a clip show, basically. Yeah, basically. It wasn’t quite $200. We got a little bit of a deal. Yeah. It was $180. I’ll have you know. $180 with tax. Yeah. What’s going on with you? So that was my Saturday, and I’m still tired because we drove two and a half hours back. Oh, that’s good. That’s good. You know, I… I was hot shit like you this weekend. You were hot shit. Because I was meeting up with some family in the suburbs of Chicago. But first, I said, I have an autograph signing I can go to in Bloomington, Illinois. Oh, wow. Did you actually go over to Bloomington? You always brag. I don’t know why. You are in love with Bloomington, Illinois. Every episode, you have something tie-in with Bloomington, Illinois. I swear to God. I don’t think so. I don’t want to brag. What happened to Bloomington, Illinois? More than once. More than once with my wife, Lovey. And that’s not really my story. But yeah, I was like, man, I feel like hot shit, man. I’m just like Bob Lament in Bloomington. There you go.Although I wish I would have had my phone out because this was out in the country, believe it or not. But there was kind of like different industrial things. And one of the side roads said Electric Avenue. I go, oh, I should have taken a picture of that. God damn it. I know. I know. I should have. I should have. And lots of work to be done. I’m like, all right, well, I got to get going. We’re going to meet up for lunch. I got to get going. We’re going to go to a Mexican restaurant that we all enjoy. I’m like, okay, let’s go up there. And I met up with everyone in time. Thank goodness I was a little late. And there was a group of us.Did you buy lunch for everybody? I did, yes. I was like you. I’m telling you, I was hot shit like you, man. You’re magnanimous. I’m like, how much is that there? Would we all get chips and salsa? I think I can handle that. Yeah, water, please. I’ll have six waters. Water, water, water. Okay. No lemon. No lemon. And, excuse me, the place was not really that full. Cause we were kind of like, it was like late afternoon, but, uh, I’m getting like you and my hearing’s kind of fucked up now a little bit. And it’s like, there’s some dude like the, I thought he was just like the guy who seats you, but he was actually turned out to be the waiter as well. And I really didn’t hear him when we came in, you know, like, Oh yes. Maybe he was speaking Spanish. I’m sure you spoke Spanish while you were there.Uh, no, I did not actually. So we were seated and this is the part that I know is going to drive you crazy. I talked to the waiter and I know me and you had gone out to eat like two or three weeks ago and you were all upset. Like, oh, you talked to the waitress. You asked her questions. Well, yeah, well you, yeah, it was a little excessive. Let me put it that way. And the fact that you were like, you know, oh, hell. It’s like the poor woman just wanted to get the order and get going. You’re like dragging everything out. I was even more obnoxious. Oh, God. All of a sudden, I can hear the guy. He’s like, hello. I’d like to take your orders, please. He was obviously not speaking Spanish. I’m like, you’re not from here, are you? No, sir. I’m not.I go, where are you from? Cockney or something? Oh, I’m from London. I’m from Londonium. But I live here now. I live here. I have a fiance. Yeah, basically that was it. I love living here. I go, in this shithole? Are you kidding me? I always have to wonder about people who come from interesting places to less interesting places. Yeah. And then stay. Yeah. I’m always thinking they’re hiding out from, you know, like some kind of criminal organization or something. This would be like being excited, living in like Taylorville, Illinois, you know, Taylorville. I know that’s what I’m raising you, but no, but you know, I may be like, well, I’m from, you know, whatever country you can think of. Yeah. Yeah. I’m like, are you kidding me? He goes, no, no, no. I quite enjoy it. So I go, okay, well, Lennon. Okay, here, come here. I want to talk to you. Come here. Everyone’s like, dad, no, don’t. So then I’m starting to talk like our friend. We have a friend that’s a scouser from Liverpool. So I started talking all scouse to him. Oh, yes, that’s scouse. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Oh, great. Now you’re mimicking other. Okay.Yeah. So now i’m making fun of like all sorts of people and, you know, and, uh, you didn’t say you’re having a soapy wank. Did you? Oh, I didn’t no damn it. I needed you there damn it so i go wait Oh, you’re, uh, don’t they have a nickname for people to live down there in London? He goes, oh yes uh southern wankers i go isn’t it southern fairies as well. Yes. Yes, that could be, too. Yes, yes. Oh, well, that hit a nerve. It was so polite. No, the guy was so… He actually… I’m looking at him like, God, this guy looks like fucking Harry Potter. The other question I have is, why would you want to come and be a waiter? I don’t know. Why would you leave? Like, he went to college. You could be a waiter in London. I don’t know. I mean, the guy went to freaking college in England, and now he’s a fucking waiter in, like, Shitville? I’m like, what the…Why? In the deep suburbs of Chicago? Yeah, like the far disgusting suburbs of Chicago. It’s like a foamy area on the lakefront. I don’t know. It’s like I went to Harvard, but now I work at Subway. I love it here at Don Diego’s. Would you like another margarita? I’ll be your waiter, Sancho Panza. Thank you. Sancho Panza. I go, you know what they call cigarettes over there? Everyone’s like, no, Dad, no, no. No, Dad, don’t say that. Death sticks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, oh, I took the tube over here this morning. He goes, oh, right, right. Yes, that’s funny, sir. Yes, yes, sir. Yes, so polite. The guy’s so polite. He’s just taking it like a champ. Like, yes, sir. I can’t imagine. I would find, if that was me, if I went, like, you know, abroad somewhere and lived in some terrible country, you know, and worked at, you know, some type of service job, I wouldn’t do the service job. I would just find a job where I was just by myself. Yeah. I mean, I could see if he was, like, from some horrible, you know, place, like,no one would ever go there, and then, you know, we come here and see how good it was or something. But, like, is london that bad? Like, man, like, F this place. Very expensive. I’d rather be a way to in Shitville. I’m like, all right, well, wish granted, because you’re in it, man. Well, maybe his girlfriend’s some girlfriend. I don’t know. I was, like, hoping he’d whip out a picture like hey hey lennon let me see your girlfriend hey Is that like Hermione or something? There’s got to be some. The guy actually did look like Harry Potter, though. That was the weird part. He had the glasses and the haircut. Well, that’s because that’s what he does on the weekends. I don’t know. He has kids’ parties and he plays Quidditch with them in Harry Potter. Yeah, he’s got some marker. He makes that little lightning thing on his forehead. I don’t know. I just saw that whole thing bizarre. Come on, Gryffindor. We’ve got to rally.Quidditch. Quidditch. Quidditch. Quit fucking around, Sam. Get over here, you twat. Poor guy. I think he enjoyed me. After having to wait on you, he’s like… There was a portly gentleman wearing a bear’s shirt. There’s a goddamn nutter over there who’s making fun of me. A wanker. I don’t know. I felt bad for the guy. I’m like, man, wow. Looks like he’s wearing a wig. I can’t believe it. I don’t know. This Rip Taylor lookalike over there is making fun of me. I’m wondering if he killed some people or something and ran away and now he’s living incognito over here. I’m trying to make it as a stand-up comedian. Ah, you said you will. Yes. And I mean, this wasn’t, you weren’t like even within like the first ring of suburbs of Chicago, were you? No, I wasn’t. No, this, no, no. This is where the people say they’re in the suburbs of Chicago and everybody else goes, no, you’re not. Right. Yes. This, oh yeah. This, this will be beyond if anyone knows this, I would say just, let’s say beyond Naperville. Okay. Oh my God. This was, this was not Naperville or anything like that. Believe me. It was not in a hot shit area. I mean, it was like a. Carroll stream.It was Carol stream. That’s what it was. It was goddamn Manuka. Manuka. Manuka. No, but I don’t know. I just, I, I was happy yet sad for him. And I’m like, wow, that’s a beautiful girl, but she tricked me into coming here. And then she left me, you know, every, every once in a while, the world gives you a win and you got one this weekend, my friend. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/10/26/scouser-gates/” title=”Scouser Gates” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/10/26/scouser-gates/”