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Static RadioAuthor: Bob LeMent
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Plumb Her
Episode 37
Monday, 7 September, 2026
Miles plumbs around and finds out at the local big-box hardware store, while Bob is trying to figure out what Miles is up to. GAMES, like old-school games, play a few with the Static Radio twist here – https://www.staticradio.com/category/games/ Subscribe Random Show Click Below https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KybzZT8qwn4 Miles plumbs around and find out at the local big-box hardware store, while Bob is trying to figure out what Miles it up to. Plumb Her Bad AI Transcript Whoa, balloon. Hello? Hey, I got one black, one white, one black, one white, one black, and one white picture of you. You’re going to go ahead and catch your breath. Yeah, that was… I was writing this song in my head yesterday. Man, I got to get my friend Smidge to do the guitar for me. It’s very upbeat. Your friend Smidge, who you ignore until you want something? Oh, Pot, Cone, Kettle, Black… And Miles… Hey, Miles, you got a truck? You got something for me? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. I thought it was funny. Yeah, I guess so. Is that the whole song or you got more to it? It’s going to be along those lines. I mean, you know, I’m going to sing about my dog too, you know. Okay. I saw it originally. I was singing about my dog. So I got one black and one brown and one black and brown and one black and one brown.Or your country classic, I’m nothing but my dog’s bitch. I’m nothing but my dog’s bitch. Yeah. i’m glad i could be of service. I’m glad i could be of service. For scratching your itch i’m nothing but my dog. I’m just gonna be on the b side of my song. Sounds a lot like a rapid rod. Yeah. So static radio smiles. Oh, you’re here. Okay. Yeah. I just, I’m writing movies. I write songs. I’m very creative. Yeah. You’re very, you’re well, I like to think of different scenarios to put myself in just for fun. So you write a lot of porno movies? Is that what you’re saying? In my head? Yes. No. No, come on. And I’m going to go into the Hallmark store. Frank! No, Frank! Gretchen. Frank from Blue Velvet? They’re going to have the new2026 ornaments. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, that’s it. Interesting. No, you’re a very creative guy. You don’t have a very good record of getting things actually done, but you think of a lot of things. If I can just impose on people and get them to do the work, then… Yeah, well, yeah, then that’s your… You know, I’m an idea guy, Chuck. I’m the idea guy, yeah. Yeah, okay. I’m the Tom Holtz of parenthood, you know. Yeah, that’s probably for sure. That is for sure, yeah. Everyone’s going to have to Google this whole show and be like, I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about. The reference thing, like movies that are like 100 years old. Night Shift? What do you mean? Who’s the Fonz? He’s still on TV. He’s on Hazardous History or something like that. Oh, that guy works a lot. Yeah.Nowadays, he does. Yeah, he does. Henry Winkler. The Wink. The Wink Man, yeah. Well, you had a story. I don’t really have a story this week. I can’t think of anything. I mean, I could talk about you making fun of me. That’s about it right now. You know, I don’t know. Yeah. So you said you had a big story today, and then you did not like my response. You’re going up on story. Yeah, this jabroni reminds me that we’re recording tonight, which I had forgotten. Yeah, well, every time there’s a holiday. I do. It screws me up, man. It’s like me. I’m like one day behind. Your work doesn’t call you and go, are you going to show up? Miles, now get down here. We had a three-day weekend. I thought I didn’t work anymore. Yeah, get down here, Miles.Somebody’s got to make the donuts, Miles. Another old reference. Thank you. Everyone’s going to be lost in this. I went to a big box store for my plumbing needs. What kind of plumbing needs did you have? I got like a leaky shower thing going on. And it’s been going on. Is it leaking in the shower or outside the shower? No, in the shower. Like the faucet part is like… To me, that is… If I was going to channel Miles’ title, I would say that’s taking care of itself because there’s a drain right there. Everything is working. Yeah, it’s perfect. Why do I need to deal with it? Because it’s working still. After about two weeks of this, I’m like, I better fix this. And a water bill that went through the roof. Yeah, I know. Because I just paid the water bill and it was like 20 bucks higher. I’m like, what the fuck? Everyone is showering all day while this leak is happening. I haven’t showered for a week because of the leak. And I went to the first big box store, which…know it’s like a huge store, but there’s only like four people that work there. So there’s like no help, you know, like, okay, well this well then just go to YouTube. That’s what i do. Well, I had to get the part and stuff. I had to figure out what i had to get. I I’m old school. I go to places okay no problem and uh so i went to the second box store because, uh, my, Like, my oldest son’s best friend works there i’m like oh hey yeah you know, Big Dave will help me out, you know. Well, what’s up, Miles? I heard you got a leaky flower. Even though it’s the wrong department, you know, I always bug this guy anyway he’s like i all i do is water the flowers. That’s it. That’s all i do. I just get the carts. Why do you insist on asking me these stupid, like, this makes up the answer. That’s why i’m out here. I don’t know i was like,I don’t know. I’ll three. I don’t know. Fuck. I don’t know. I’ve never, I didn’t even, I only, I just walked through. I go to the break room. That’s it. I take a crap. I come back out. I get the cards and water the shit. And yeah, that’s it. And, uh, I realized early on the big Dave is not at work. I’m like, Oh, so I went to the actual department by myself. Like a big boy. Big boy. And I found the desk that the help should have been at. And it was unoccupied. Of course. And it says, today’s crew members for your needs will be Christy and Susie or something like that. like oh that sounds nice. You know, it’s probably too, you know, young lady. Very efficient, uh, licensed plumbers yeah yeah i’m like i’m like i don’t care. You know, anybody could work here. I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to no broad plumber. And I, uh, no, I did not play that card, but anyway, I, uh,I cannot find anyone in this department. So I go to the next department and there’s like, dude, it looks like a very young Santana working there. Hey, Santana. I go, Hey, I showed him a picture of my nasty bathtub. He’s like, Oh, you guys ever hear a soft scrub? Yeah. Like, wow. What the fuck? You may just want to replace all that. Yeah. Yeah. Good deal. Yeah. Did they have a bathtub from Ed Gein’s house? What’s with all the toenails? Yeah, what is that? He’s cutting toenails in there like 24-7. Yeah, right. So I explained it to him. He’s like, oh, well, I’ll just summon one of these ladies over to help you. Right, yeah, the experts. I’m like, oh, okay. I’ll just sashay my way back over there, you know.I go there and I’m hanging out looking all cool. You know, you sashay is very funny. Yeah. I’m walking like some geisha, you know, it’s like, yeah. Yeah. If you’ve ever seen the old Warner brothers cartoons, the guy, the big guy kind of dancing around Ferdinand, the bull. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, Uh, so I wasn’t there too long. Right. And just out of nowhere, this lady like is be lining over there. Like literally, literally, I didn’t even say anything. Right. This is her. I’ll like, this is her coming in and she’s like, yeah. Okay. Well, what I got called over here. What do you need? Yeah. I’m like, I’m thinking this isn’t, you know, it’s Christy or Susie, I don’t think. And I say this to everyone. This is not a sexist remark. I go, what do you know about plumbing? Which I think she really took the wrong way because that kind of amplified. You ever hear the term fuck around and find out? Yeah, that’s a different.This is what happened. She watched you sashay across the store. She’s like, oh, all right. We got a jackass right here. Some sexist jackass, you know, sashaying around. Well, I’m here. I got him here for your question. Where’s your important question at? Where is it at? Come on. You don’t even know what you need. I was a little intimidated by this woman. I’m going to be honest. It looked like she was in her early 30s. Okay. And she was not having it with me at all. She probably had a tough day with a bunch of jackasses like you. Sashaying around. Sashaying around the plumbing department asking stupid-ass questions. I told my wife, I go, either she was getting ready to eat lunch or she’s trying to take a crap or something and got coming over to help me. Right? Yeah.And oh my God. Yeah. I don’t know what I interrupted, but I really regretted the whole, I’m like, you know, uh, I’m not, yeah, I don’t want to come back here anymore. I’m like, I didn’t think I’m going to get bullied, bullied three knuckles deep in a DeWalt sander. Yeah, no shit. So, uh, I finally would, you know, get out what I wanted to tell her. Like, excuse me. I know. I know. It’s like a bad Woody Allen film. You’re going to have to take it apart and you have to bring it in and I got to see it because as you can see over here, there’s 800 types of these things. Literally, literally, literally. Do you know how to turn off your water, young man? I said, hey, do I need to turn off the water with this? Yes, you do.He goes, yeah. I was like trying so hard to defuse it. I’m like, okay, how do I get out of this? Let’s stop for just a moment. Why in the world were you trying to fix your shower yourself? This is not a Miles job. I don’t know. Well, We had an alcoholic try to fix it like five years ago, and apparently whatever he did did not hold. It did not hold, unfortunately. It held for five years. I think that’s pretty good, considering. Yeah. I was just like, man. I thought it was a put-on. I thought maybe my dryer story last week inspired you to actually take on and fix something yourself. I couldn’t remember how the drone guy fixed it. I’m like, shit, what did he do again? I think he stuck his finger somewhere, but I don’t remember. I don’t remember he stuck his finger. I thought it was a put-on, all right? I mean, her whole rant, I thought, okay, I was waiting for her to be like, just kidding. No. Well, typically…They go by manufacturer. So if you have a Delta, do you have a Price Fister? I don’t know. What kind of hardware do you have there? I have no idea. I don’t know. Because my guess is it’s leaking out of the handle itself, potentially. Is that right? Yeah. You’ve got a little washers in there that are loose and not working. I know. Yeah. After a while, she kind of settled down a little bit. She’s like, okay, well, listen, okay, you want to undo it? Whenever she realized you were special needs. Yeah. She’s like, wow, maybe I came on a little too strong. You’re like, I’m in a hurry. I got to catch the bus. Yeah. She probably felt bad. Like, wow, wow, I was an asshole. Jesus. Wow. Talk about not giving an F.I mean, just not, not given an F about anything. I’m like, wow. You know, you don’t, you don’t see people work like that. So I’m trying to defuse it. I go, Hey, I’m friends with big Dave over here. You mean David? Uh, okay. I call him Dave big day. Oh no. He goes by David. All right. Well, listen, I got to go. I should know. We’ve had sex. Yeah. Yeah. And let’s recall each other in the morning. And breakfast. I think I’ve never I’m never going back to this place again. Never. Never. Even to see Big Dave. Yeah. No, I don’t know. You know, when you get bullied in school, at least, you know, like some dude hits you in the back of the head and laughs and runs away. You know, this lady’s just totally, you know,Eviscerating me. Yeah, what do you want? My name’s Bob Lament. I got a leaky faucet in the shower. I don’t think women know anything about plumbing. Oh, yeah. I know I was joking around with her. Yeah, I think I was joking around. You kind of got that Cliff Clavin attitude sometimes. Hey, Nammy. Yeah. Yeah. What do you know about plumbing there, Mary Sue? Yeah. So I’m like, I’m out of here. I’m out of here. You didn’t get it fixed. It’s still leaking. Yeah. So it’s still leaking. It’s not all water. Some of it’s my tears. I hate being bullied by women at like a big box store. God damn it. Jesus. Women get down on men, but, man, you can turn that around real easy. Oh, that’s right. I’m telling you, man. Thank you. You’ve got to be a man like Bob LeMet. Like, I have a gold problem. Number one, be prepared. Don’t just run over there and hope for the best. You know, take a picture. You know? You know, I’m just going to YouTube it and just.you know i’m gonna have amazon send the shit i need yeah that’s what i do i’m done i’m just i’m done i’m done the only problem with plumbing is you know the water doesn’t stop yeah that’s the hard part about yeah plumbing to me is the worst kind of fix Well, I have no background in any of this, so… Well, I’m just saying because this water will not quit, right? You can turn the water off and what have you, but… Well, hey, you wanted to come up and visit, so really two birds, one stone. Fixing your effing shower? Yeah, come on up, man. Yeah, you can have like a tortilla or something, man. Here goes one tortilla for you. There you go. So, yeah. So, me getting bullied again. Again. Now…I sweated pipe before, which is tough. I didn’t like that too much. But my good friend Mark, God rest his soul, he was really good at all that kind of stuff. So I probably would have called him. He got any family members that know anything about plumbing? Maybe they can come over. Oh, yeah. All of them do. He’s like a family of contractors. Listen, I act like I’m your cousin or something. Hey, man. I’m Bob’s cousin, man. Maybe you guys want to come over here. Yeah. No, they probably won’t do that. Probably not. So now what are you going to do? How are you going to solve this problem, my friend? You got a drippy faucet going on there. I’m YouTubing it. i’m youtubing it, that’s it. I know, but, oh, okay. This happened today, right? So this, you just got humiliated today, right? Yeah, oh yeah, I’m not kidding. Within a couple hours of me writing that, oh, I got a story, you’re like, oh, great, great. You know, I’m drying my tears as i’m writing this i’m an idiot. I’m an idiotThis preteen girl showed me up about plumbing at the big box store. I’m going to start cutting myself again. Well, I can see where if I were to witness this and didn’t know you from a slight distance at the big box store, I’d be like, yeah, that guy’s a total douchebag. Plumbing there, Mary Sue. I always say that to people, though. What do you know about putting in windows? What do you know about putting on a roof? What do you know about fixing a car? I always do that as a joke. Well, it didn’t work this time. No, it was a swing and a miss. It was a complete… She was already upset. She had to help me out. Well, she didn’t want to come to the booth, I don’t think. I think she probably was… Had been some hot…Peace, like you, she’d probably be like, oh, okay. You know, me, you know. Hey, young lady, I’ve got this Price Fister shower knob thing that’s leaking. Aren’t you Bob Lament from the NASCAR? Here’s a picture of it. Oh, there’s a punkiest guy in St. Louis. Yeah, exactly. I was named Mr. Arch. Thank you. I bet. I bet. I bet. Mr. Arch. So, well, I think you’ve learned your lesson. Yeah. No more fuck around and find out. It’s going to happen. What’s next time when you go, well, I guess this thing’s going to leak again for another five years until you get the drunk guy to show up again. No, that’s, yeah, that guy’s out of the picture. He died of cirrhosis. Oh, he died, okay. No, I don’t know. No.I’m kidding. He didn’t die on the road. I got to find another drunk plumber to come fix my stuff. I didn’t hire him, okay? I didn’t hire him. Oh, okay. He had such good ratings on the Facebook. Yeah, okay. We’ll go with that. I’m just waiting until Big Dave gets back from vacation where the fuck he’s at. Son of a bitch. That’s terrible. He’s got the nerve. He’s got the goddamn nerve. I’m sorry. Well, you know. Yeah, I don’t know. Whenever you’re a sexist asshole at the big box. I guess. I guess. I was joking. Joking. But you need to have a shirt, you know. Yeah. Aside from your $5 footlong shirt, you need to have a shirt. I’m just joking. Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe. What do you know about…Fat old white man at the big box store. I say it to even medical people. I go, this is not your first day, right? I mean, you’ve done this before. Oh, sir, you’re so funny. Doctor, doctor, this is not your first day. I have graduated. I did go through medical school and do two years residency. Yeah. You are an ass. You’re even an ass to the healthcare people. I like to test the waters. I like to go right to that edge sometimes. No wonder Dr. Mike hates you. I know. He’s like, you’re stupid. God, I hate you. Dr. Mark, by the way. Oh, Dr. Mark. I can’t keep him straight. You’ve got like a whole medical team there. Yeah. They’re like, ah. We got to keep this sucker alive, man. He keeps giving us cash. Dr. Mike, Dr. Mark. Well, I think you’ve learned your lesson, young man. And talk, make, you know, funny comments about the nice young ladies. Well, I don’t know if she was nice, but.The individual who shacks up with this woman, I tell you what, holy Christ, man. Did you ask her about that as well? No, come on. I don’t know where you’re going with these things. I mean, who knows what you say out in public. I can’t win. I really can’t win. I get no respect. Hey, we got Mike and Steve here. You guys got Any plumbing stories where you offend the plumbing ladies at all or anything? You want to tell? No, I don’t have any plumbing stories. I guess would that be in regards of possible irritable bowel syndrome or something? Well, Miles has got you beat on that one. I don’t know. Well, I’m not Miles for one. I don’t require going to the bathroom that much.often that would require my plumbing to be worked on. I’m sure he has all the… I don’t know what that means. I’m not sure what that… Michael, I’m sure there’s a lot of… Miles’ nickname is Scope. I don’t know if that means anything. Okay, well, you better not be scoping out my toilets over here. I am a toilet paperless… household i don’t believe in uh you know what i don’t need a bidet i got a dog yeah i got a bidet i got bidets all in just about every bathroom that i have in the house. I just I know, but you still need to have some paper. I have bidets, but every once in a while it doesn’t uh no no no because i i think what are you on a special diet or something? What the hell?No, I’ve shared this with you numerous of times. When you use toilet paper, you smear it up in the cavity area. A duvet uses delicate, pressurized water to clean the area correctly, so you don’t have smear on your asshole area of the cavity, and it cleans it better. I think it’s scientific. The cavity, yeah. The cavity area. My asshole cavity. I think that’s what they say when you go to the doctor. How’s your asshole cavity today? That’s right. No, other than that, man, I had a good weekend. No, I attended Dragon Con. I went to Atlanta’s Dragon Con this past weekend. Oh, yeah. You sent me a thing on that, yeah. Dragon. It’s like, you know, Comic-Con thing. Oh, I thought it was like people dressed up in drag. That’s every single day, Miles. Come on. For you, yes. I went with a couple good friends of mine and I went as the 80s Joker and I got a video I sent to Bob here. Oh, yeah. I did. That’s good. Pretty good, yeah.Did you win a prize or anything? What’s that? You won a prize or anything? No, it’s just for fun. Oh, okay. I did manage to scare a five, six-year-old, but other than that, it was pretty good. Was it just with the bidet talk or with the costume? No, I hope not. Hey, kids, you got a bidet? I’m going to tell you. that’s what he’s going to go as next year. He’s going to just basically have a bottle of water and be spitting on it. I’m a bidet. Yeah. You know, as, as I was strolling through as a mixture of old Jack and, uh, and the other, uh, Joker, right. I, I basically put it out like that. Hey kid, let’s put a smile on that face of yours. Oh my goodness.Yeah, Dragon Con’s got to be a big deal these days here. Lots of people down there in the Atlanta area. And the old peach. That’s right. Well, that’s what you’re spraying off with your bidet, the old peach. We got Stephen Kennedy down there. What’s going on there, Stephen Kennedy? Well, you were talking about IBS. That’s right. I got IPS, irritable penis syndrome. Is that something your wife made up or something? Well, it’s just a compulsive need to urinate. I cannot stand the slight sensation in my lower abdomen. I’m a compulsive uriner. IPS, you have to shit all the time. IPS, you have to piss all the time. Miles has got both of those. He’s just constantly… He’s much like his shower. He’s just dripping constantly. What’s the cause of the irritable piss syndrome? Do you drink a lot of fluids or something? A lot of it is anxiety. I notice when my nervous system is more anxious or not feeling well, I have to piss more. It’s a compulsive thing. My parasympathetic nerve, when IWhen I get high, that nerve is more sensitive and I can’t stand the slightest sensation of liquid. Oh, my God. You know, the interesting thing is if you paired up with somebody with irritable bowel, you could be their bidet. Oh, wow. Clean it up. Yeah. That must be… very uncomfortable when it comes to the sexual activity. Like, ah, shit, babe, hold on. I got to pull out. I got to go piss. Well, that’s the thing. I haven’t been with a woman in a quarter of a century. Oh, my. Steve, come on now. You’re going to make everybody cry here. Come on. That’s probably why. Because he’s got to piss every five seconds. Every second. Well, you said a woman caused, yes, the trauma. Trauma. One woman fucked up my life. I just can’t get turned on by sex anymore. I’m psychologically traumatized. Oh, my.Miles, do you have any advice here? It looks like the Green River Killer, I think, with that river behind him. Oh, that’s horrible. I use my art. I am crazy, but I put it into my comedy. I try to have healthy outlets. Well, my friend, let me tell you something. If you ever come to visit, you’re not using my goddamn toilets. Don’t worry. I’ll be like Howard Hughes. I’ll piss in a whole bunch of cups like in the 80s. Well, I do reside up in the northeast Georgia mountains, not saying for privacy issues, but you’re more than welcome to use the nearby forest. The great outdoors. I’m not coming to your state because weed is not legal. I’m traumatized by states where weed is not legal. Really? I thought it was pretty much legal everywhere these days. I guess not, huh? No, especially in cancer. The state cancer next door to you.Hmm. What state? Kansas. Kansas is a cancer george kansas is a cancer sorry then he lives it Oh, my God. Yeah, Kansas is uh a long drive. That’s for certain yes well steve do you want to do you have any kind of story about uh plumbing or any advice for miles on how to fix a shower Well, first of all, Miles, I suspect that you used the three shells. What? Demolition Man. Fuck. Yeah, I knew you would get the reference. Oh, it’s in the movie Demolition Man, the three shells. Rob Schneider. Oh, you don’t get the three shells. Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes. Sandra Bullock. Would you like to have sex? After almost 30 years, I still can’t figure that movie out. How are you supposed to clean your asshole with three seashells? I’m assuming you scrape them and then rinse them off. You could use toilet paper. You’ve got to wrap the toilet paper around two fingers, stick two fingers all the way up your ass, and then you get all the residue. That’s how you clean the walls and cavities.I’ll stick to my duvet. I’m sorry. We really fell off here. I like the plumbing talk better. I’ll stick to the duvet where it’s nice and pleasant and I don’t have fucking seashells up near my head. What if you get a chip in one of those shells? I wonder what happens then. Well, say goodnight, Gracie. Miss Calabash. Cha-cha. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/09/07/plumb-her/” title=”Plumb Her” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/09/07/plumb-her/”
